Billy Goat Shakira has a new music video
Since Shakira is OUT TO GET DAT MONEY in 2014, she’s back on The Voice, shes advertising yoghurt and she’s also yodelling her ass through another album called simply “Shakira” which means this is serious and she needs to sell some CDS you guys.
When she heard the horn-call of her RCA/Sony, Shakira carefully hopped down rocky crevases in the Chilean mountains where she was grazing on delicious goat grass to instead hit a recording studio and lay down some beats.
Once the album was finished, she realized that Americans are kind of over hearing goats yodelling this decade, so she drafted in Rihanna, who I assume has an auto-reply mailbox called firstname.lastname@example.org and the response is simply….
“Thank you for requesting to duet with Bajan Superstar Rihanna. She will be in the studio from Sunday at 4pm and will record your duet as part of a queue. Please note, any challenging vocals will be chargeable at extra cost. Much love, Team Rihanna.”
But unfortunately even Rihanna rolling around on bed with Shakira like some sort of fang clawed faux lesbos was not enough to generate any interest in Shakira’s new album, so instead she watched The Hunger Games ten times over and decided to employ the shitty VFX team from the first film to follow her to Chile and to her goat pasture home where they put that goat in a dress and set it on fire.
It wouldn’t be a Shakira video without a sequence of her dancing like your nana once she’s had 4 whiskies, and she doesn’t disappoint, whilst also keeping in line with all other Shakira music videos in that absolutely nothing happens.
In the same way that the directive of a Britney Spears MV narrative is “SEX. BRITNEY. STORY. SEX. STORY. BRITNEY. SEX” the directive for a Shakira clip is “SEX SEX SEX SHAKIRA SEX SEX SHAKIRA SEX”