In a breakup, there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners.
The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken. Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous.
The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway.
And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having also announced their divorce months ago.
I mean sure theres a global financial meltdown underway and you know, the Koreas are dangerously close to launching a global nuke war, but fuck that! Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding band!
What this really means for us all as a public is that we don’t have to ever endure the crushing second-hand embarrassment of seeing Ben Affleck humiliate Jennifer Garner in front of 30 million viewers ever again. Nor do we have to listen to Jennifer Garner act like a super peppy cheerleader for her husband’s career on every talk show under the sun, presumably a distraction method to she gently dance around the fact that she’s pretty much resigned herself to starring as “the supporting mom character” in every movie she’s in now.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.