A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong. It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“. As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why. It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.
Against all the odds and a sea of thrown blackberries, Katherine Heigl is currently on television starring in the budget bastard lovechild of Homeland and Scandal called “State of Affairs”. Accordingly, Katherine has been taking a break from giving The Hollywood Reporter fodder about what a bitch she is to go on The Meredith Viera Show to talk about how she’s totally not a bitch, you guys! Of course Hagel decided that she’s not a bitch so stop calling her a bitch! She then went on to become a crusader for all women who don’t feel they can speak up and have opinions and say no to shit without being labelled a giant bitch. Because of course no A-list actress in the history of all time has ever been able to stand up for herself. Hagel continued to say she had an epiphany in voicing her opinion in a “gracious way”. I guess by that she means not slaughtering the writers of the hit television show that made her a star in the public domain. I mean at least Heigl isn’t bringing fifty shades of satan to her interviews in the way that a certain other blonde, successful, nightmarish actress is.
So the Kinder Delight version of the Grammy’s happened this week and we were subjected to warm up performances from the likes of Taylor Swift playing “Crazy Girlfriend, Taylor Swift” in a performance with vocals so shaky that I honestly thought they were having an earthquake. There was ever after high doll come to life Lorde who did her really boring Hunger Games song from inside a box, because shes -arty- and because bitch sold out to Lionsgate. Then there was Selena Gomez who sung a song about Justin Bieber in front of a giant crying eye, which is funny because that giant eye served up the emotional response all of us have when we are forced to confront the reality that is Justin Bieber. But all of those hot, young relevant bitches felt the shade cast by Fergie, Duchess of the Urinal. Fergie brought that wreck of a song LA Love to the stage and actually made you realize that both A. Fergie is a really great performer and B. Fergie’s songs are still better than almost anything else out right now. So Fergie kind of nailed it. A giant big magic mushroom of a bus – CHECK! the only singer of the night who didn’t sound like she borrowed vocals from a pile of The Voice rejects – CHECK and a body that is killing it for a woman of her age – CHECK CHECK CHECK. The only thing that was really missing to make this performance a legendary AMA one to be remembered was Fergie falling into a bath of pee at the end. No Fergie performance is truly slaying without a little of the yellow nectar. What Fergie DID bring though (other than her annual supply of botox in its entirety) was this glamorous wardrobe malfunction in which...
Watching Jurassic Park is a spiritual experience, and as such the trailer for Jurassic World is fucking exciting shit. Missing from this trailer is basically everyone from the first movies, so this shit is definitely a “reboot” but could It have hurt to throw us some Laura Dern in there? A little perspective from an old hat? Whatever, I’ll be there opening night. This shit is amazing. Also, I guess Chris Pratt is a bonafide A-lister now, which is a pleasant surprise. Now can we get Anna Faris up out of the B- rosters too?
In tragic sob-worthy news, 2014 has become the year where Hollywood executives have been forced to trade in their blood-diamond encrusted jacuzzis to ones made from humble silver and aluminum, because people have finally had enough of paying eight hundred dollars to go and see a movie being constantly interrupted by twats with mobile phones. Box office grosses are significantly down year on year, and because Hollywood executives are largely a bunch of stupid fucks, the industry was pinning all of its hopes on “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One” to make dat money. It has, of course, but not enough for those greedy anuses! The movie opened to $17 Million from midnight showings despite widespread snowstorms on the eastern seaboard and no I-MAX grosses to help boost the returns this time around. That’s right, literally millions of people went to watch this shit at midnight through a fucking snowstorm and yet Hollywood execs are running out into the street, throwing their hands in their air and screaming “WHYYYY, WHYYYY CRUEL WORLD??” because they expected that shit to do marginally better. Mockingjay also is estimated to be grossing $55.5 Million on Friday for around $130 Million this weekend which is almost a quarter down from Catching Fire and even down from the original Hunger Games (both opened above $150 Million) and those bitches are confused as to why. So I thought I’d help them figure it out. Reason number one: and Reason Number two Those bitches got greedy! Mockingjay still got decent reviews and is getting solid word of mouth, but it’s definitively tepid compared to Catching Fire, and the reason? Because they took the shortest, weakest book in the series and split it into two entire two hour movies to make more fucking money. I saw Mockingjay on Wednesday and that shit is...
Jimmy Kimmel must have slipped Papa Spears some extra shit hot emmental this month because Papa Spears actually allowed Brit Brit to hold an actual real telephone and use it to read something on the internet about herself that wasn’t “Britney Spears is the most talented dancer of all time.” or “Britney Spears in Vegas is absolutely SLAYING at arm movements”. Nope. Brit Brit joined the MEAN TWEETS crowd on Jimmy Kimmel dressed like a reject from Lost in Space to show a quick second of humanity and realization that Brit Brit might not be the 100% most relevant superstar on the planet any more. Also of note is Gwyneth Paltrow looking annoyed and upset because people called her a ugly ass big bird lookin bitch. Chloe Moretz also showed up looking like a giant Scottish doilie.
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