Author Archives: Deli Llama

About Deli Llama

Website editor. TV bod. Trying not to eat for 24 hours to see if I lose 60 lbs. Founder and lead writer for LA-DELI.COM

Mariah Carey is here to rule your jewel encrusted phone.

Because Mimi has already replaced Whitney as “The New Whitney” and replaced the sun as “The New Star” it was only a matter of time before Mimi looked at who’s hot and happening right now to replace them like the iconic and timeless superstar that she is. Because Kate Upton is totally “now” and really “in”, Mimi’s Sauron Butterfly Eye (Which exclusively focuses on ways to keep Mimi young and relevant) cast it’s gaze Kates way and decided that what’s hers had to be Mimi’s! None for you Kate Upton!  The games company could not resist the magical soothsaying that Mimi sent to them and decided to pay her a seven-figure sum to be the face of their game whilst Kate Upton was shuffled off back to whatever Sports Illustrated cover she came from. Obviously this is a huge improvement on the Kate Upton ads. Industrial Light and Magic have worked really hard to make Mimi a realistic looking human being  and she looks great! I mean this is a no-brainer. Mimi is leading an army of butterflies in the ad to destroy any haters and Eminem fans with a sea of glitter and extravagant candles? Sold!  Also, we have learned that Mimi runs like a Pokemon with IBS and it really is everything. If you are wondering how a free app can afford to pay Mimi the billions of butterflies she demands for a commercial endorsement, then you should know that this “free” shit makes $1.5 Million a day  for the company which takes in $600 Million a year from it. I can only assume this is down to people paying for stupid fortress upgrades or whatever the fuck it is that you have to pay to make this game go beyond a loading screen. Well whatever it is,...
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Jessica Simpson is super high on life on HSN

And by “life” i mean “An entire pool of Tesco’s Prosecco”. Jessica Simpson appeared on HSN this week at some stage and I forgot to add it to my Sky + because I have seriously impaired life priorities and I will never let you guys down again. I guess she was on HSN because she likes to pop out of whatever vat of delicious southern butter fried foods that she’s semi-retired to every now and then to let us know that she’s still totally bangable and totally rich for her amazing talents of not knowing the key essentials of what is required to operate as an adult. But Jessica wasn’t just there to talk about how her jeans look really good if you are six weeks pregnant because they are totally flexi-waist, no siree – she was there to give us a show that Liza would be proud of. Jessica’s stuttering explanation of what makes grey jeans so sexy is something that I am going to routinely whip out at a party after I run through Serene Branson’s very very heavy burtation. Jessica on HSN reminds me of me rocking up to a family party after I’ve been out on the town. I’m trying to keep my shit together but im FOOLING NO ONE. I hope Ken Paves was there to tell her that she was amazing and that she really nailed it; BECAUSE SHE DID!
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Paris Hilton forgot a $350k ring because she was sleepy

I Know, I know what you are thinking. A Paris Hilton headline, what 2007 nightmare did i wake up in?Well humour me, because i need a fucking break from the Kardashians. The original Kardashian Kreator will have to do. The news that TMZ reports is that whilst Paris was leaving Poland to head back to Ibiza, which is the only country that will legally provide an STD with an official visa, she sort of lost her $350,000 ring in an airport shuttle bus. Paris only discovered the loss later and claimed it was because she was, and I quote: ‘feeling exhausted after a whirlwind day trip to Poland, and had performed in Ibiza the previous evening.’  Now bitch has a few questions to answer for me here. A. Under which circumstance is anyone so exhausted that they aren’t holding a $350k piece of jewellery to their chest bone like it’s Michael Fassbender’s precious peen? I could have walked across a fucking desert for four days and I’d still be smacking off imaginary vultures from my $350k fucking ring. I could have sat and watched eight days of Real Housewives fighting and i’d STILL BE ALERT ENOUGH TO LOCATE MY $350K RING IMMEDIATELY. Is Paris Hilton so rich that she forgets she has a ring that could solve debt problems for entire towns on her finger sometimes? B. How “whirlwind” can a day in Paris Hilton’s 2015 existence really be? Apparently Paris was in Poland for Eastern European Fashion Week, which sort of makes sense. C. Paris was “performing” in Ibiza, which means that she’s a stripper now, right? I guess she could be a door greeting person at a really nasty club. Either way, Parasite needn’t cry tears of blood diamonds tonight as TMZ says that a dumb-ass fireman found Paris’ ring on...
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Song of the Month: Willows by Vanessa Carlton

Because Vanessa Carlton isn’t just a fun reference to White Chicks, we bring you Willows –  the first proper single from her upcoming LP which hits later in October. The album is called Liberman and it’s essentially a reflection that Vanessa Carlton has fully transitioned into a legitimately ‘serious artist’, a term which effectively means that music snobs acknowledge her existence now. In all fairness to her, Carlton has always been vastly under-rated at each stage of her career, struggling against the small (but problematic) public perception-issue of the monster hit which started it all. But unlike her peers from the era of her meteoric rise, she’s successfully carved out a reputation as a risk-taker and experimenter on the fringes. Willows is a sweeping, stripped down track accompanied by an earthy lyric video that pretty much seals the deal on ethos she’s going for an as artist – authentic, handcrafted, dreamy. Liberman is shaping up to be one of the year’s best albums already, given the exceptional and consistently increasing quality of her previous efforts (let’s turn a blind eye to this though).   Her last LP, Rabbits on the Run was a startling – and necessary – change of tempo and aural language for Carlton, who’s voice has matured along with her soundscape. She’s already released an EP with live versions of some of the tracks from the upcoming record including “Nothing where Something Used to Be” – a song so emotionally hefty it bloody deserves to become a huge breakup classic in the future. Be warned: those going through a rough breakup may wanna not click play. Liberman is available in the US and Canada on the 23rd of October, but there’s no official word on international release at this stage. Carlton seems pretty happy grooving in indie status these days, and who can blame...
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Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Remember the last time Kim Kardashian was pregnant and it was the hilarious Kanye-Styled media gift that just kept giving? Well shit has not changed. Kim is well into her second pregnancy, because everyone deserves a second chance to bring around the apocalypse if you fail first time round. Attending Khloezilla’s boyfriends birthday party on a boat somewhere, Kim had to follow the dress code of “cumstain white” and something tells me Kanye and the fruity onboard servers had a hand in that dresscode… I mean, she looks fucking ridiculous. Being pregnant makes you sort of look hilarious anyway, but Kim K has the absolute talent of taking pregnancy and making it just hysterical. Only Kim Kardashian would go pregnant onto a BOAT IN FUCKING STIELLTOS. Even disgusting Elder Jenner recognises this bitch is playing and Kanye is also proving to us why he never smiles…because you realise his true age is 94. I live for the fact that Kim gets absolutely huge when she’s pregnant because i have a really fucking sad life and this is all I have to live for now. Fuck you.
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Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

In a breakup,  there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners. The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken.  Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous. The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway. And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having...
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