This picture of Nicole Scherzinger has been released promoting her starring role in CATS as “Grizabella the Glamour Cat” which is a sentence that made me laugh out loud almost as hard as the pictures themselves. In them, Nicole is bringing some Pat Benetar wannabe realness mixed with the theatrical ambition of Lea Michele and it’s scary…but not as scary as the hack-ass photoshop job. Nicole Scherzinger has an exceptionally busy schedule of releasing flop singles and starring in adverts for literally anyone who will have her, bitch does not have time to do a dress run with the cast for the photographer. Nicole Scherzinger took these pictures in a cupboard alone and probably wont meet the cast until she’s giving them a Muller Light on performance night, and then they will know exactly how the rest of the Pussycat Dolls felt.
Jewel-adorned buttercup princess, cat collector and former country singer Taylor Swift has proven that crossing over and waving “Bye, Bitch!” to Nashville is the way to go if your life goal includes “owning a state”. Everywhere you go, IT’S TAYLOR SWIFT. Taylor Swift managed to overcome the Taylor Swift fatigue….with more Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift wants you to think of her as an adorable fluffy kitten by association and it’s fucking working. Everyone loves Taylor Swift. Look how many times i’ve written the name Taylor Swift in like three sentences and it’s felt natural and right, because everything you read, do, breathe and see is TAYLOR SWIFT. It turns out Canada is at the centre of the Swiftpidemic and they have a boner for her in a big way. And I mean like a six day viagra boner. EntertainmentWise reports that Taylor Swift released eight seconds of white noise (“accidentally”) and it went to #1 in Canada immediately. Not only did her white noise go to #1, but it sold enough in the short time to remain #1, beating out her #2 and #3 positions. Yeah so Taylor Swift literally has 4 out of the 10 top ten tracks in Canada, and one of them is literally nothing. Taylor Swift should probably shit in a box and sell it on the Canadian Ebay for $10,000,000, because Canada would clearly band together and buy that poop and place it in a little Taylor Swift’s Poo museum and charge people $500 a time to go and admire the poop. Taylor Swift needs to realize what Britney realized a long time ago. When enough people are feverishly obsessed with you, then doing actual things like singing, dancing, showing up to things? Un-necessary! You just need to appear on EXTRA! once a year, string together a few words,...
Because LeAnn Rimes has literally nothing else to do with her days, she got on Windows Movie Maker, chose an outfit from her careful pulling of “trashy and slutty Halloween costumes that make no sense” and somehow sold her Christmas tour as a Halloween event in a two part VIDEO SPECTACULAR which clocks in just over 6 minutes in total. Beyonce and Jay-Z are nothing compared to the creative genius and high budget wows that LeAnn brings. In the videos, LeAnn Rimes is chased by three dwarf elves who want her to put some fucking clothes on. Not alone there, dwarf elves! But since LeAnn was born with the Tori Spelling bone of famewhoring for your damn life she can’t help herself! LeAnn dresses wildly inappropriately to give children Halloween candy and those dwarf elves are not having it! The neighbours are talking, LeAnn! If you want to sit and be mortally embarrassed for a grown-ass woman then please take the time to watch the above videos. Videos courtesy of Dlisted.
In the most unexpected, world-altering news you will read all week, the upcoming feature film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Why Is My Mother Reading This!?” is a fucking damn mess and studio execs decided to drop the “R” word on the film – not ricin to kill that shit off sadly, but reshoots. According to US Weekly, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of Renee Zellwegger’s New Face and The People on Twitter Talking About Renee Zellweger’s New Face All the Time, because producers of the movie are not happy and want them to reshoot a number of scenes, specifically ones where they have to get all sexy like. The ‘source’ went on to say that Dakota Johnson is turning the sensual on about as much as me after five gin martinis, and that is to say “trying, but not hard enough”. They allege she is about as sexy as, and I quote, a “dishrag”. Sweet. In hilarious damage control of the story, Universal said the following about the movie. ‘No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.’ Well of course Universals’ lead actors are all unquestionably hot and intense, so if you think that they are lukewarm you are WRONG and you should NOT question this. Those pricks at FOX, though? Yuck. The only thing you really need to know about this movie is that Rita Ora is also in it, and that is as they say, that.
Looks like Britney Spears will not be building herself a cheeto palace in Vegas to retire to a bath of fraps every night after all. TMZ is reporting that latina pop sensation and Eric Cartman’s right hand Hennifer Hopez is closing on a deal to take over from Britney once she’s finished her residency, and J.Lo will get $40k more per show. Like that makes total sense to me, except for the whole part about Jennifer Lopez having only headlined one tour ever. Worse still, said tour grossed even less than Brit Brit’s Groupon twofer event spectacular known as the Femme Fatall-i-wanna-do-is-have-a-seat Tour. It also made not even half of Britney’s “Circus” tour gross. I mean, Jennifer Lopez is not someone you go and see. Jennifer Lopez is someone American Idol subjects you to because celebrity culture is the worst. This is a woman who has had five, maybe six solid hits in her career and the rest is like “Oh yeah, i forgot she recorded all of those other songs about being real”. Britney Spears has the gays. If those Vegas hos think it’s just drunk gamblers who’ve helped Frostie von Frap sell out almost all of her shows then THEY GOT IT WRONG. The gays have travelled far and wide to see Britney again and again. And what is that bitch going to do for her entire discography, because everything she’s ever recorded has been Jennifer Lopez FT.!? She can’t move Pitbull in, can she? She’s not going to get LL Cool J on board, is she? Iggy Azelea isn’t going to come and touch her ass every night, IS SHE?! According to TMZ, J.Lo will take over lip-syncing duties to not sing through 72 shows over 2 years for $26.4 Million rather than Brit Brit’s 96 shows for $29.8 Million, so...
In the least surprising and most important news ever written in the history of the written word, Kris Jenner has been found to be digitally enhancing her Instagram pictures before uploading them. Kris is pimping out her horrible new cookbook and of course since she attracts other famewhores like flies to shit, she got TV Chef Gordon Ramsay to pose with her on her rounds. However TMZ points out that whilst Gordon’s Instagram shows his face for the Mt Snowdon of crags it really is, Kim Sr’s version Gordon Ramsay has just had a beautiful milk bath, has fallen asleep and seems to be glowing. Kris Jenner’s instagram must have the special “VASELINE” filter turn on because that shit is softer than my dick after seeing a picture of Kris Jenner.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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