Author Archives: Deli Llama

About Deli Llama

Website editor. TV bod. Trying not to eat for 24 hours to see if I lose 60 lbs. Founder and lead writer for LA-DELI.COM

The Future…

Hello Loyal Readers (Are there any of you left?) I wanted to write a little update since the last time we posted was way back in February of this year.  For those of you who actually used to read the site on a regular basis – you might have noticed that a few months after I wrote a really fucking golden post about Rita Ora (???) and Gerard Butler (:/) we sort of stopped paying for hosting and LA-Deli appeared to vanish in a puff of smoke into the night as we’d done before with The-Deli.org. We haven’t exactly been cool to the people who’ve been followers and readers in that regard and for that, I’d like to apologize. The site was created during a time where there was a hunger for celebrity culture to be lampooned and satirized, and the writers involved actually found it fascinating enough to cover. But unfortunately as the years have worn on and we’ve found ourselves less and less motivated to write for the site, as busy lives intervene. There was a time when the site looked like it could become a huge, self-sustaining entity in it’s own right, but I had to make some tough choices at that juncture, and opted to put myself through school and pursue my career outside of writing smack talk about Jennifer Aniston’s weirdly shaped vagina (speculation). Jennifer Aniston’s Weirdly Shaped Vagina will always have a special place in my heart, and I actually do still enjoy writing weird shit on the internet as part of a hobby – but the craving for constant content that is required to survive in the new world of digital media is too intensive for me to be able to keep up with on a daily basis, and as such – I’ll be...
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Two Saints spent the night playing Sudoku

Because celebrities have publicists who work day and night to make them seem ultimately like holy beings, if you hear that a celebrity branded “A bit of a schlaggggg really” then you have to really ask yourself how many people they are banging to get that reputation. With that said and on a totally unrelated note, Rita Ora and Gerard Butler are reportedly bumping uglies according to UsWeekly. Rita is best known for being the reason that Rob Kardashian tripled in size because she allegedly banged a bunch of guys without a condom behind his back. Rita is also a singer. Gerard is best known for trying to finger Jennifer Aniston in the ass that one time.  Gerard is also an actor. To say that both Rita Ora and Gerard Butler would fuck anything that walks is absolutely slanderous and not at all in line with the editorial standards (HA!) of this website, as well as being patently untrue. It makes 10000000% perfect sense that these two absolutely virginal saints would come together and be so overcome by first-time lust for one another that they threw off their chastity belts, apologized to God for their unholy sin and spent the evening violating themselves by watching Countdown in their hotel room together from opposite sides of the room. Rita Ora is effectively the modern day Virgin Mary and Gerard Butler is her Joseph, and they probably spent time talking about religion together before having a cup of hot chocolate and lying down for a nice nap. The implications that UsWeekly are making are dark-sided and ungodly.
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Tori Spelling is doing this now.

Tori Spelling in the early 90’s was the original role-model for nepotism in media. She literally had the talent of an egg and yet was pretty much everywhere. And now, over twenty years later, Tori Spelling is still blazing trails as the original role-model for ‘shamelessly hustling for every last dime when the whole ‘nepotism’ thing stops”. EW reports that Tori is now the face for that extremely well-known and super-chic brand “Psychic Source”. In case it’s not clear, that means Tori is now the face for a dial up psychic hotline. And I think that the Psychic Source might have a few legal issues on it’s hands for the lie-telling fuckery that is going on in Tori’s debut ad. In it, an absolutely ravishing Spelling reads “I’m Tori Spelling, Wife, Mother, Actress” Which i suspect is a redraft from a more honest version which read: “I’m Tori Spelling, Shameless, Opportunist, Preying Mantis”. Tori is obviously the Source spokesperson because she 1000% believes that Psychic Source will help you find the answers and insights you need to truly find a happier you. She’s definitely not just there to help pay off that $38,000 debt American Express is suing her for. I guess we shouldn’t be mad at Tori Spelling for turning to Psychic Source when staged paparazzi shoots and reality shows turned their back on her; whats a literally shame-free girl to do when she needs to make a buck for more un-necessary cosmetic surgery?  
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PEW PEW PEW! Star Wars makes more money than life.

So the new Star Wars movie hit cinemas this weekend to the sound of a thousand nerd boners exploding all at once. The good news for us is that everyone really loves JJ Abrams reinvention of the saga, which is all fine and well but pushes Alias fans further towards the crushing reality that a reunion is increasingly unlikely. And the good news for JJ Abrams’ wallet is that Star Wars: The Force Awakens made more in one weekend than the GDP of Dominica. Globally the flick shattered records and grossed $528.9 Million (sound of frustrated Disney executives wishing for an extra $1.1 Million), of which a record-smashing $247.9 Million came from North America. It also nailed a bunch of other records to the wall which you can read here. And with the Holiday period ahead, expect violent battles for Star Wars toys to be making the headlines as this movie continues to serve DOLLA REALNESS to the movie industry. A few months ago Jurrasic World shocked everyone by making insane amounts of money and Star Wars was always the only likely contender for those records.. Elsewhere in the box office charts, Sisters debuted to a solid $13.9 Million, priming the well-recieved comedy for a long run over the festive period. An end total north of $70 Million is likely. Oddly, despite shedding 1,000 engagements and many IMAX showings, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 had the best top 10 drop of the weekend in the face of Star Wars which is probably good news given the film now trails part one by $35 million. Still, the movie stands a chance of outgrossing Part One in global gross, ensuring the one-two hit serves up a total global grossing of $1.5 Billion, so I’m guessing the widely unpopular decision to split the third chapter...
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Top 10 Albums of The Year 2015

So, it’s that time of year already. Top 10 Albums Lists have hit the web, and we aren’t going to let equally important publications like the New York Times or Rolling Stone get all the glory, join LA Deli as we count down the finest records of the year as well as call out our biggest letdown. So find out who’s first on the list by Clicking Here.   10. Pageant Material, Kacey Musgraves Kacey Musgraves has been busy this year; aside from carving out a full-time job as someone literally named as Barbies country cousin, she’s been carving a reputation for herself outside of the Nashville scene as an accidental crossover artist. Yet unlike Taylor Swift before her, Musgraves’ records to date have been pure country through-and-through. Has there ever been a song written more country than “Are You Sure”, her collaboration with Willy Nelson? With Carrie Underwood’s latest collections sounding increasingly samey and overwrought – the twee and laid back Pageant Material is a welcome throwback to a friendlier, more upbeat time out in the country (more on that later) and sparkles with the pageant era quality which the artwork evokes. How country is this? Well, the album features a track called Biscuits and another called Cup O Tea – so pretty fuckin country sums it up. Biscuits in particular shines as one of the highlights of the album – a beautifully produced feel good track about, essentially, minding your own fucking business. Sounding like an up-and-coming Miranda Lambert, this should be considered hot favourite for the Grammy for Country record, Musgraves is pretty much set for a stellar upward trajectory from here on out. 9. Eleven (Deluxe Edition), Tina Arena Tina Arena is, at this stage, a living legend that half the world forgets about. She’s effectively one of the...
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Terrence Howard is the flavour of no-ones month

Terrence  Howard is well known for being an ego as fun to be around as eighteen hours of gently hammering your dick off; so I guess it’s no surprise that his ‘Empire‘ co-star Taraji P Henson looks like she’d rather burn her face in a vat of acid than ever be kissed by Terrence Howard again. What essentially occurred here was the dramatic recreation of an awkward “ONLY THE MAN TALKS” conversation between a woman in a potentially abusive marriage to her asshole husband that everyone hates. Terrence and Taraji are such talented thespians they created their own ad-hoc dramatic performance on the Emmy stage. I hope Terrence brought some baby wipes because Taraji is in need of some as well as an Emmy of her own for her “Bitch did not just” face.  
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