Advantage: Taylor Swift
Incase you’ve been sucked into Christina Aguilera’s Halloween backfat for the past five months then you might not be aware that everyone’s favourite failed Kennedy, Taylor Swift has a new cd out called “My Lipstick will now always be Red”. Squints might as well called it “Fuck FUCK FUCK YOU IN THE FACE Jake Gyllenhaal” as it’s basically 16 songs about her three month relationship with him, which to him was probably average sex and to her was A FAIRYTALE MADE IN HEAVEN AND THEN IT ALL ENDED TOO SOON.
Now before we get all judgemental on Squints for writing and writing and writing about 3 months OF DATING as if she’s been with him forever and ever please observe the following.
If shit ended with Jake you’d be pretty messed up too.
Jake totally ticked all of Squints boxes, because he was sensitive being an alleged two-triber, has the luscious chest hair of a friendly grizzly bear (like Mr Masters the Bear in Taylor’s fairytale book), and also has the sparkling eyes of a My Little Pony, which makes sense for Taylor since her next perfume is obviously going to be the smell you get when you rub Tangerine Sunset.
We should be giving Kudos to Squints because not only did she tap this repeatedly for 3 months, but she also just sold 1.21 Million Copies of the CD about him in one week, and an additional 4.5 Million individual track downloads. So whilst Jakey is shimmying his wares in box office flop after box office flop, Squints is counting her money and laughing with her freakishly large yet surprisingly adorable teeth.
In addition, Squints has just announced a “FUCK YOU JAKE GYLLENHAAL” tour which she is calling “The Red (With Anger at Jake Gyllenhaal) Tour” for censorship reasons. It’s going to be a 58 date stadium tour across America. Her last tour grossed over $100 Million, So every time Jakey goes to a new city, he will see Squints’ face plastered across town advertising how much money she is making from three months of bumping his thumper. This all comes after Swift admitted she made “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to purposefully annoy the shitballs out of Jake and the nation in the process. Sick bitch!
Taylor is pretty much doing this clip to Jake now. Jake is obviously Snobby Shopkeep #2
Well Played, Squints. Well Played.