6 times Blake Lively’s lifestyle blog made me throw up in my mouth
Because Goopy Paltrow wasn’t enough insufferable blonde celebrity telling the world how to live, the walking human cardboard person known as Blake Lively also launched a lifestyle blog known as Preserve.us.
It is the website equivalent to putting on a tweed blazer with a $500 maxi dress and heading out to a barn to listen to some Lumineers whilst you make jam with your best friend called Petit Filou, who talks about how she bought great onions at the farmers market this morning . She then asks if you’ve been to work this month and then you both laugh hysterically because fuck no!
If your idea of the good life is posting pictures of yourself putting candles in mason jars whilst wearing a vintage dress and saying things like “I don’t have a tv” then you might want to skip this post.
However if you aren’t an insufferable twat, then you’ll understand exactly what I mean by the next six things.
The Six times Blake Lively’s Preserve.us made me vom in my mouth a little bit…
1. Actually entering the website.
When you enter Preserve.us, once you’ve gotten over the initial shock of writing a domain name that doesn’t end in .com, you’ll find yourself met by the cardinal sin of all websites – a popup inviting you to join the mailing list. This is not called a mailing list on Preserve.us though. It’s called an invitation to “preserve our connection to join us on our journey”.
See what she did there? Preserve is the name of the site isn’t it! Yup. Vommed a bit.
This isn’t going well.
2.The Editor’s Letter
So now we’re in. I haven’t been asked to buy any $500 kaftan in pure white cotton yet, so that’s one way we’re differing from GOOP. I click on the editor’s letter out of curiosity, because I was 80% certain that Blake Lively is illiterate.
Unfortunately, she is not. Blake talks about thing’s as “journeys” and claims she’s hungry for more than just enchilada’s, she’s hungry for….experience. At this stage I can feel the vom coming up into my mouth like a rushing swell of “Ugh”, “Ick Nast!” and “Fuck Dis Bitch?” but i swallow it back down to read on.
Blake goes on in the letter to write about how she doesn’t see her website as a website, but as a “street”, a “Main Street USA and i quote ‘While the whole world races to keep up with technology, we tighten our laces, join the race, but our end goal is to preserve what’s already there.’
3. The website thinks its a 50 year old hippy.
The word ‘artisan’ is used more liberally in three pages of this website that in has been in East London for the past decade. Blake Lively really wants you to know that she’s all about the crafts, she’s all about the people.
The About Us page of the site is particularly nauseating. It says things like “our very history is whispered into the materials they use” and when you read the line “we share our genuine desire to give back to those with fewer opportunities, but just as much heart and soul as anyone else. We believe that nurturing a better tomorrow upholds the yesterday we cherish, for all of us” it suddenly hits you that Blake Lively thinks she’s the white Pinterest version of Oprah. Then you vom in your mouth.
4. Why, Amber Tamblyn, Why?
Amber Tamblyn has been dragged into this riot.
Amber has contributed a story for Blake’s “style” piece which is essentially a series of pictures of a male model that look like they were taken with every living instagram filter all at once combined with a story written by Tamblyn that paints the picture of “Markus”, a sexy guy who has a motorbike and was dumped by his chick.
5. This product description.
“There is hardly a more fitting place for a subtly suggestive hint than the bowl of a vintage silver plated spoon. A request for the very love act named for its curvature is hand engraved here in an innocent old-time typewriter font. In case there was any question, a tiny heart seals the deal. Food useable, this special bit of flatware is a constant reminder to cuddle up.”
I swear to god the vom dribbled out of my mouth a little bit there. The dedication to fuckery is HIGH on this one.
6. This entire editorial from start to finish.
I know that when you see a story written by someone called “Sir Willups Brithslymoore” you might be tempted to do the following
But stick with it, because this was written by David Cross and It’s relatively clear that he and Tamblyn are punking Blake Lively
The wake for Tyler started at six o’clock, which was going to be difficult for me to make on time. My part of the eulogy was scheduled for six thirty and even that was pushing it. My Brompton fold up bike was stolen outside of the Royal Palms Shuffle Board Club in Gowanus last night, and thusly I needed to borrow Lucians’ handcrafted Almond longboard if I was going to get there in time. And I really, really, really wanted to hear Yuko and Siggy play the theme to “Greatest American Hero” (Tyler’s favorite song) on their hammer dulcimers. I would barely have time to go home and change (into my Warby Parker monocle and steampunk top hat).
I mean honest to god, you have to read this shit. Even though you know it’s a joke, you can’t help but gag and Vomcano in your mouth.