Britney Spears’ face still looks different.

Britney Spears’ face still looks different.

In “Shit, im late to the party” news, Britney Spears covered Women’s Health magazine and looked like a rough and ready version of Heidi Klum after she’d been left in the sun too long top dry. The world’s monocle dropped and everyone was like “HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?”.

Well as we already reported Britney had some work done to her face last year  (Read: secondary nose job, lip and face fillers, botox) and it’s radically altered the appearance of her nose. As you can see in the below video, Brit is looking legitimately hot and in shape, the abs are real, as is her facial appearance, but there’s no doubt shes had help from lighting and makeup contouring. I guess “Surprised Madagascar Lemur” is what they were going for in this shoot.

We should just stop acting so surprised that Britney Spears no longer looks 16, and appreciate that girl is looking alive, awake, happy and in the best shape i’ve ever seen her in. Credit where its due as well, she’s absolutely dominating in the game of “Young pop star grows into older pop star without having complete career collapse” so cut the girl some slack.

Angelina Jolie didn’t want to look fug in “Cleopatra”.

Angelina Jolie didn’t want to look fug in “Cleopatra”.

Because Angelina Jolie is the most sensual, gorgeous star of all time – she made thinly veiled suggestions that if she was playing Cleopatra that she should have a luscious full head of hair rather than be bald in order to “not scare off any directors”, new emails leaked in the Sony hack have shown.

Defamer reports on the long, turbulent email exchanges regarding the production of a “Cleopatra” movie between Amy Pascal, aka head ho at Sony and writer of racist slurs, Scott Rudin - legendary producer and fucking nightmare who also engages in racist email chains, and Angelina Jolie, SUPERSTAR OF THE UNIVERSE.

Despite the fact that the original Cleopatra starred the biggest star of the time and was a bomb of proportions never seen again, Jolie is so confident in her star power that she thinks they can do-over that mess.

The chain revealed that

A. Scott Rudin thinks Angelina Jolie is a “minimally talented spoilt brat” who he turned out to hate because she wanted his star director, David Fincher, to direct the movie when he wanted Fincher for the Steve Jobs biopic.

B. That Jolie was concerned about being bald in the film – which bitch tried to pass off as being a director issue rather than a vanity one. She also made “numerous” changes to the script, all focused on making it more centric on her as Cleeeeoooooooopatra.

The one thought I would ask you both is about her “bald”. I think that made sense in earlier drafts but if we are saying every time she’s in bed she has no hair or a shaved head it changes the sensuality. I wonder if we should keep it out and discuss as an idea with the director. But I worry we could scare off a director.

The point was always that she be clean and raw and I think with straight black hair and no make up we would achieve the same and not distract.

I make this point incase we are starting to send it out we should ask to remove that one description.

C. That Jolie begged Martin Scorcese to direct when Fincher fell through.

D. Amy Pascals email chains are all written as some sort of iPhone sent haiku. For example, this spitball on what they wanted to call herself, Rudin and Jolie.

Three musketeers

Three blind mice

Three stooges

Three tenors

Three little pigs

Three amigos

Three little bears

Three coins in a fountain

Three is company

Which are we?

I guess “Two racists and an egomaniac” were taken.

E. Scott Rudin did not want to make the movie. He kept finding ways to blame and push Jolie back, and even tried to divert her to simply starring in a play instead at one stage. Either way, it looks like Scott Rudin and Angelina Jolie will not be working together  on this film after the email chains have been exposed. Rudin left wide open for criticism on his tantrum over Jolie who handled herself relatively admirably in a field of toys being thrown out of prams.

Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL.

Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect.

Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age.

JamesLaurenHarries_1802074a

Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman”

In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as

I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl.

Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years.  In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in a stunning red dress from Primark Prada. Because she is a smorgasbord of the human condition, she also manages to perfectly capture what I do whenever i enter da club. Laurens reign of global chart domination begins HERE.

Lauren Harries

Update: Mimi still can’t really sing.

Update: Mimi still can’t really sing.

A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong.

It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“.

As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why.

It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.

 

Katherine Heigl doesn’t think she’s difficult.

Against all the odds and a sea of thrown blackberries, Katherine Heigl is currently on television starring in the budget bastard lovechild of Homeland and Scandal called “State of Affairs”.

Accordingly, Katherine has been taking a break from giving The Hollywood Reporter fodder  about what a bitch she is to go on The Meredith Viera Show to talk about how she’s totally not a bitch, you guys!

Of course Hagel decided that she’s not a bitch so stop calling her a bitch! She then went on to become a crusader for all women who don’t feel they can speak up and have opinions and say no to shit without being labelled a giant bitch.

Because of course no A-list actress in the history of all time has ever been able to stand up for herself.

Hagel continued to say she had an epiphany in voicing her opinion in a “gracious way”. I guess by that she means not slaughtering the writers of the hit television show that made her a star in the public domain.

I mean at least Heigl isn’t bringing fifty shades of satan to her interviews in the way that a certain other blonde, successful, nightmarish actress is.

Fergie, Duchess of Pee slays at American Music Awards

Fergie, Duchess of Pee slays at American Music Awards

So the Kinder Delight version of the Grammy’s happened this week and we were subjected to warm up performances from the likes of Taylor Swift playing “Crazy Girlfriend, Taylor Swift” in a performance with vocals so shaky that I honestly thought they were having an earthquake.

There was ever after high doll come to life Lorde who did her really boring Hunger Games song from inside a box, because shes -arty- and because bitch sold out to Lionsgate. Then there was Selena Gomez who sung a song about Justin Bieber in front of a giant crying eye, which is funny because that giant eye served up the emotional response all of us have when we are forced to confront the reality that is Justin Bieber.

But all of those hot, young relevant bitches felt the shade cast by Fergie, Duchess of the Urinal. Fergie brought that wreck of a song LA Love to the stage and actually made you realize that both

A. Fergie is a really great performer and

B. Fergie’s songs are still better than almost anything else out right now.

So Fergie kind of nailed it. A giant big magic mushroom of a bus - CHECK!  the only singer of the night who didn’t sound like she borrowed vocals from a pile of The Voice rejects – CHECK and a body that is killing it for a woman of her age – CHECK CHECK CHECK. The only thing that was really missing to make this performance a legendary AMA one to be remembered was Fergie falling into a bath of pee at the end. No Fergie performance is truly slaying without a little of the yellow nectar.

What Fergie DID bring though (other than her annual supply of botox in its entirety) was this glamorous wardrobe malfunction in which her top got caught in her fanny area. That overgarment was like. “HEY FERGIE’S VAGINA, WHERES ALL THE PEE AT” and she was like “Not today, overgarment”

Heres some pictures of the Queen of my heart and of several urine fetishist web forums at the AMA red carpet with her botox filled permanent surgery face. We love you, Fergie.

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