Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

I have still to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but if the word of mouth is to be believed then my life will never be the same and I should cut off my testicles now because not even sex will compare to the awesomeness of this movie.

As such it has now become the top-grossing movie of the year in America, beating out “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”  and it’s a dead-cert to cross $300 Million all in.

Worldwide however, Guardians has some work to do. The superhero romp trails the billion-dollar grossing Transformers: Age of Extinction as well as Maleficent, X-Men, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and How to Train your Dragon 2.

MALEFICENT

I have to give a slow hand clap to Disney and St Angie this year. Not only are Disney literally vomiting up Marvel money to then eat it up and shit it back out, but with the addition of Frozen’s international rollout and the huge overperformance of Maleficent as the second biggest film of the year worldwide, the Disney shareholders will be fapping into Maleficent branded cups as the tweak their icy money nipples.

Another overperforming story at this years box-office is one which only genius and visionary Megan Fox foresaw, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not only opened well, but has actually developed impressive box office stamina as it lurches towards $200 Million. Disgustingly.

Finally this weekend its worth mentioning that The Hundred Foot Journey has already passed a 4.0x multiplier after a month of release. This pic will definitely close north of $50 Million now as we predicted. I like saying “as we predicted” because not only do I get to be smug about being right, but I also get to pretend theres more than one of me, as If i had a conference about this shit. A conference with the drunk, slurry vision of me in the mirror, maybe.

Full chart after the jump

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The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

Any cat owner will know that whilst cats are definitely Satan and also can poop smells that you didn’t know were possible to exist without the accompanying sight of 1000 corpses, they make great occasional lap cosies and also can be quite entertaining if you strike the right balance of “play”. ( and by that I mean the balance where you don’t end up with the arms of a Hot Topic store manager.)

No one knows this better than Florida fugitive Daniel Pinedo Velapatino. Whilst Daniel was running from the cops after smashing up a whole bunch of cars, he decided to stop by Candace Noonan’s house and play with her cats.  Because nothing is more soothing when you are being chased by armed law enforcers for a crime than stroking a little kitten behind the ears. Oh and since he technically didn’t know Candace Noonan,  he technically kind of just let himself in and got on her floor and played with her cats. 

Candace said she started to put two and two together regarding the complete stranger who’d entered her home and was now playing with her cats on her kitchen floor only when she started to see cop cars outside.

She later added that it was only when she was being interviewed by police she realized that actually letting a stranger into your house to play with your cats isn’t always a smart idea.

Well, her name is Candace.

 

Nothing like cheating to short circuit Britney.

Nothing like cheating to short circuit Britney.

It started out as any other night behind the scenes at Piece of Me at the AXIS, Planet Hollywood.

The dancers were spritzing down their faces as they hung out of their skin-tight outfits, enjoying the final moments of release before they’d have to suck in for the next hour and a half. Business managers paced back and forward, staring intently into their iPhones as they awaited confirmation that every seat was filled.  Screaming fans bustled outside whilst hairdressers moved wigs that honest-to-god could be made of nylon into another room. The lighting tech team made final adjustments to the programming, and somewhere, lost in the bustle of that madness, Britney Spears sat in a dark corner whilst her own evening’s programming downloaded into her brain.

It took team Britney half an hour before they suddenly realized that something was amiss.  Instead of giggling and coyly suggesting that the audience was “Really hot” (Or any such bland pre-programmed variant) when she lined up an overly excited audience member for participation in the next number, Brit Brit’s broken heart appeared to beat out her standard subroutines as she veered dangerously close to appearing human.

If Britney continues like this, we may see an interview in which she reveals more than just her love for vanilla candles at some stage in the future.

Im glad that Brit Brit is going with the whole “Empowered / Angry” thing rather than the “Eat ten tubs of Ben & Jerry’s and end up looking like a manatee” thing.

Like, I’ve definitely never done that second thing. Nope.

 

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays.

In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE.

Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something.

icloud

I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in.

The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave meals and help me identify what an Ariana Grande is in the near future.

Interesting names absent from this list: Any celebrity over the age of 40. Wheres the Liza Minnelli nudes?! Wheres my Jane Fonda leaks?! What about a little Star Jones pre-surgery titty? Such a flop of a leak IMO.

I guess I should be glad of this leak, from this stage on every time I look at my web traffic i’m going to see the search term “Celebrity nudes leaked” or “celebrity flange”  because people will google these terms in outrage and fappage that Jennifer Lawrence now has pictures of her naked in her fancy hotel rooms on the internet. And also because “flange” is a great word for a vagina.

I absolutely 100% believe that the completely unfair invasion of privacy of a bunch of famous women dumb enough to take naked selfies should be the #1 priority of the media and our world right now, and thanks to feminism, it is!

By the way, that whole terrifying Ebola thing is still happening. Just so you guys know.

 

Cheryl Cole Fernando Chiquitita think’s she doesn’t need the X-Factor

Cheryl Cole Fernando Chiquitita think’s she doesn’t need the X-Factor

Cheryl Cole aka Cheryl Fernandez-Chiquitita-Banana Hammock  is back on X-Factor UK just a few short years after the public humiliation of being dropped from the show’s doomed US version because, Simon Cowell said, she’d gained weight and looked weird.

Since Cheryl Cole is massively talented and has the voice of a thousand angels singing into a heavenly conch shell, she’s confident that she doesn’t need the massive publicity from the X-Factor to sell thousands and thousands of digital downloads to 12 year old girls with hearing issues.

Cheryl told The Metro that the X-Factor is nothing to her career, and doesn’t think it has anything to do with her record sales despite the fact she literally just brought out new music for the first time since her last X-Factor appearance.

Cheryl Said

‘I mean, I’ve just had a No.1 without the show. Almost 300,000 copies now I think it’s sold,’ she said of her duet with Tinie Tempah.

The singer also downplayed the chart defeat she suffered at the hands of Justin Bieber when she released her third album in 2012 following her sacking from X Factor USA. ‘I’ve had three albums now. Two No.1s and one was only beaten by Justin Bieber by 3,000 copies. ‘Otherwise it would’ve been No.1,’ she said.

Cheryl has a point, she was beaten by Justin Bieber by just 3,000 copies. But she was still beaten! This bitch reminds me of me when I used to come last in the sack race as school and I’d say shit like “Everyone only beat me because they had smaller sacks!” My giant sack has always been a problem.

Anyway, Cheryl Cole just wanted us all to know that she’s super into X-Factor not for, you know, her career or money or anything, but because it’s all about THE JUDGING. Cheryl highlighted to another magazine she discovered Cher Lloyd, which isn’t something I’d be screaming from the rooftops about, but nonetheless Cher Lloyd hasn’t heard from this bitch since she left the X-Factor.  I guess this means she wont be performing any of her new music on the highly rated live shows later in the series just in time for a Christmas album launch then. Oh wait, she will? That’s strange!

I guess Cheryl Cole is just trying to figure out how to play this whole “I’m Back on X-Factor” thing without seeming like shes a cash grabbing, publicity hungry flop in America, which is kind of hard when that’s exactly what she is. Oh well, i’m sure Cheryl would have been signed up to do those horrible shampoo adverts either way, so we can’t blame X-Factor for everything.

Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single

Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single

I’m back! (Sort of) I’m going to be moving apartments over the next coming weeks so my scheduled update situation is going to be a little less regular sometimes whilst I pack my LIFE in boxes.

But fuck, I should never go on vacation again – because these celeb whores KNOW that they will be safe from my scathingly chubby fingers and so they go and do all the bad shit when im gone.

Brangelina Married

I returned to find that Brangelina got surprise-married in France! Those bitches had a “small civil ceremony” in a church in France and didn’t tip off paparazzi, didn’t call OK Magazine and didn’t even let the kids sell their locations for pocket money.

The BBC reports absolutely nothing of interest on this, but if you need receipts then here you go. The heavenly family made by Oprah will now ascend back into the clouds for their honeymoon period and will return only when it is time to shill a movie.

I guess that whole “We’ll wait till gay marriage is legal” thing really meant “we’ll wait until everyone forgets we said that and get married”.

As they (aka nobody) say, as one famewhore love life bliss door opens, another closes.

Britney Spears very much not married

Brit Brit Spears has been twaddling her thumbs in the centre of cheating SCANDAL controversies around her basic boyfriend David Lucado lately.

TMZ reports that when they called up David Lucado’s rep for comment on the stories that he’s had his peen in other vajayjays they basically as good as admitted that there is a video of him cheating on Britney being shopped around.

Since TMZ is your nightmare nosey bitch neighbour from HELL, TMZ went on to call Britney’s reps and apparently Papa Spears wanted to blab to them about it but needed to speak to Brit first.

Well he did and this happened.

Poor Brit Brit! She’s so unlucky in love.I guess whilst Basic David cries into his REJECTION letter for the Harvard School of Gold Diggers, Brit Brit is going to go and buy herself KFC. And by buy herself KFC i mean she could probably buy the whole business.

Variety just printed an article highlighting that Brit is the CEO of a multi-billion dollar business, because remember that time when Britney Spears used to pretend she wasn’t just wheeling her ass out on stage for the money? Yeah – she’s done with that.

Basic Dave is going to have to return all of the exquisite hats that Brit Brit bought him to cover his shanky hair. I will NEVER at these peons who are selected by the Holy celebrities to live a life of luxury by doing fuck all for money who always wonder off to get some basic lowly paid poon. When will you amateurs LEARRRN? When you see a celeb, bend and snap! When you see a basic commoner? Eye roll like Liz Lemon and WALK ON BY.

If only Anna Nicole Smith was still with us to show these lessers how it was really done.

 

 

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