Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Because Brit Brit is bored of being viewed as hypersexual and wants to go in an artistic new direction with her next album (read: it will end up being exactly the same as her last two albums) she took the natural next step to de-sexualize her image and be taken more seriously as a creative – she debuted her lingerie line in NYC yesterday!

Britney has already done more promotion for her lingerie line than she has for her last two albums. She appeared on Jimmy Fallon to do a little sell sell sell and didn’t look like she’d rather be slicing out her uterus and making a road runner b-line for the ocean on it, which is a new shade for her this year.

She is like two face. She looks totally great half-the-time and like a 45 year old housewife the other half. One thing is conclusive, that whoever is doing those damn mess wigs for her in Vegas needs to stop drop and ROLL out of her life, because seeing Britney with regular hair has become like seeing a unicorn in a forest. Rare and magical.

Brit wore a red jumpsuit because shes a mother now, and surprisingly looked classy and elegant throughout. Single power Brit-Brit is my favourite kinda Brit. She either goes crazy and falls into piles of cheetos and starbucks, or she publicly flaunts her hot new look on tellyvisions for us all to see, Y’ALL!

The best gift from this launch though was these tacky as fuck super elegant Maya Angelou level poems delivered in a seductive, sensual robot voice which always ends with the line “inspired by silk. silhouettes, and promises” which is interesting because i thought the motto would be “inspired by Frappes, vanilla candles and Cheeto dust

These adverts are hard to take because they are like a series of funhouse mirors of Brit Brits’ new surgery face. One minute, you’re like “Oh yeah there’s Britney Spears!” and the next minute you’re like “Harpo, who dis Bride of Wildenstein woman?”. Confusing.

 

Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

So this year’s Oscar race is already over before it started.

Super talented actress, talented actress, actress, singer, human person Jennifer Lopez is the Matthew McConaughey of the year. No she didn’t lose 100 pounds, no she didn’t do any method acting shit, and no, she didn’t put on any latex prosthetics. But what she did do is give the fanciest $30,000 caramel blow-out wig straight out of Falcon’s Crest’s “Too Exquisite to Wear” pile a loving home in “The Boy Next Door” trailer.

In the trailer J.Lo serves us up some “Beyonce in Obsessed realness,  except Jennifer Lopez plays a potential pedophile who instead of being a social menace, is sexy and hot because shes a LADY pedophile.

In addition to this small detail that is brushed aside almost immediately, J.Lo brings that little La Lopez magic by doing the following

1. J.Lo say’s ridiculous things, such as “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time” in response to a compliment about her looks – because she’s such a disgusting, dowdy old maid and no one finds her attractive any more.

2. J.Lo ONLY sits in soft, glamorous lighting, because this movie definitely isn’t “ENOUGH”. If you thought you were going to get a gritty, compelling thriller, then the fact it’s clearly been shot on the old Desperate Housewives set should put you straight.

3. J.Lo looks all suspicious and scared when her teenage lover makes stand-up comic worthy implications that he boned her in-front of her family. And by looking suspicious and scared I mean she looks like a German Shepherd in a sweater taking a shit whilst his owner calls him to hurry up.

4. And finally, J.Lo dresses like she’s in the 70’s for the entire movie. Because why the fuck not, mustard is a lifestyle, people!!

There’s a lot of shouting in faces, gentle pushing, and uncovering creepy shit in this trailer which is all good and well, but it’s missing the most IMPORTANT ingredient to any J.Lo smash…a stereotypically Hispanic career! Bitch forgot her roots!

White people loved J.Lo as the subservient maid in Maid in Manhattan, they loved J.Lo as a subservient dog walker in Monster in Law,  and they loved her as a subservient single mother in everything else in her filmography! Yet there there’s no  Ana Ortiz sassiness here, and J.Lo looks suspiciously upwardly mobile…  BORINGGG! How the hell are we supposed to delight in scenes where J.Lo says hilariously insulting things in Spanish about rich white people if J.Lo is a rich white person!? Maybe J.Lo finally realized that the world kinda sorta never bought her rags to riches tales.

Oh wait, never mind.

Strictly Come Dancing trumps X-Factor in ratings battle 2014

 

Because old people are 80% more likely to have literally nothing else to do on a Saturday and Sunday night, Strictly Come Dancing continued its winning streak of beating out X-Factor as the competitive talent show of choice this weekend when it returned.

Strictly was watched by an average of of 8.4 Million geriatrics around the communal room telly whilst X-Factor could only muster 7 Million teenage girls and bored couples over Marks & Spencers meal deal with a bottle of wine (Facebooked about at least one time during the show per couple).

Not all bad news for X-Factor, though, as the show is still up year on year on Saturday with around 600,000 viewers, but being up against Strictly on Sunday saw it down a whopping 2 Million viewers. Ya burnt! I guess people really didn’t care that Bruce was shuffled off into the room where they show Strictly (aka the leafy retirement home) and was replaced by Claudia Winkleman’s bangs.

TV pundits are surprised that X-Factor is still struggling this year as fuck knows that watching Mel BCheryl Chiquitita  and Gay Simon is more entertaining than watching  human plank of wood Nicole Scherzinger next to human tin of magnolia paint  Gary Barlow. That said, there’s only so many northern women who’s mother died in a horrible unicycle accident and are on the show not for fame, but because they “want to make their 2 year old autistic son Dylan/Samuel/Parker proud” after he lost his father to the war that you can stomach before you decide you’ve seen your last slow-motion VT’s set to Snow Patrol songs.

Strictly_Come_Dancing_2014__Ex_TOWIE_star_Mark_Wright_is_hoping_for_a_few_drinks_before_live_shows

The X-Factor has milked the “public empathy” teet so hard with the worn-the-fuck out emotional manipulation button that the public now sees a ho in need on the ground, rolls their eyes, and steps over that bitch to jiggle to Mark Wright shaking his tanned tatas in sparkly sequins. Mark Wright is the man I burn a cigarette into my arm over because even though I KNOW KNOW KNOW I shouldn’t find that trashcan attractive… I STILL DO ANYWAY. Fuck .It’s like my relationship with ice-cream. I know it’s an evil bitch out to make my hips look like cottage cheese, but I can’t help but love it anyway. Mark is the kind of guy you pick up in a bar, he calls you fat and ugly all night, and then you wake up the next morning to find he’s left behind a card on the pillow with his bank account details and his cab fare for transfer.

At least all of those bitches can sit at a table like the Britney and Christina of the talent show scene and scream “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US” to the Mandy Moore that is “Tumble” on BBC1. Tumble had 2.9 Million viewers this weekend.

 

Kate is pregnant with another ROYAL HEIR

Kate is pregnant with another ROYAL HEIR

When Angelina has a film coming out, she does a junket. When Rihanna has an album coming out, she does the VMAs. When Tina Fey has a new show starting, she goes on Letterman.

Because Kate the Duchess of Cambridge doesn’t have any of those talents or things to promote, she gets that publicity by getting married, waving at African people and popping bebes out of her Jo Malone doused vagine.

As the world bored of Kate stepping out in yet another Alexander McQueen dress in yet another hot-as-fuck part of the world where her hair still managed to resist humidity, attention turned to Brangelina, Britney and Jennifer Lawrence’s naked parts.

NOT ON HER WATCH. Kate’s fancy lace embroidered vagine has been hard at work to get those headlines and so she’s producing ANOTHER ROYAL HEIR which is great news for her and the sales of HELLO! magazine, but terrible news for any of us who don’t want to hear 24/7 bumpwatch updates.

Because Kate has a the body weight of a preying mantis on Atkins, she isn’t taking kindly to the baby inside her stealing the precious few calories she gets from nibbling peas throughout the day. The BBC reports that Kate is suffering from acute morning sickness, aka what every single one of us feels every Monday morning.

Kate previously suffered serious cases of the hangover sicks throughout her first pregnancy with Prince George. Bitch needs to understand the solution to this problem is to visit GOOP.com and follow Gwenyth Paltrows’ ultra handy hangover tips for the ludicrously rich with time on their hands, BOTH OF WHICH KATE IS!  It’s like Gwenyth Paltrow finally found her target demographic – insanely rich royalty who don’t do anything.

This is bad news for Prince Harry, who now basically will NEVER EVER become King as he’s fourth in line for the throne. We were so close to a hot King, yet so, so far.

Scroll To Top