Calvin Harris’ new music video is the opposite of groundbreaking.

Because Calvin Harris wants to get laid, he’s been hitting the gym, dumping his STD’s and is now posing moodily all throughout a music video which says “If you want to be my girlfriend, be a size 4 and never speak to me ever”

In this video, Calvin decided to let the world know how he feels about women by ensuring that they are treated like pieces of sex meat during an unwieldy 4 Minutes 16 seconds of probably-gay singer John Newman sitting in the shadows (because he’s not Calvin Harris!) whilst Calvin Harris literally broods throughout and women drape themselves all over his indifferent self, lucky to be basking in the light of money and the smell of St Tropez tan. Of course it is never mentioned that any/all of the women in the video are realistically far too attractive to be in the same frame with either of the men on-screen, but naturally reductive superficiality is the furthest thing from the mind of the creators for the video.

Its a montage of “man watching women from projector room chair” which we have never seen before, and club dance scenes which we have never seen before, and semi-naked women which we have never EVER seen before.

I’m really glad that as Calvin Harris continues to infiltrate the charts with unique, game changing music (Read: Please stop now) he also shows us how music videos can be used to change the way women are perceived. For example the frame with the woman stumbling into a bathroom in her underwear to look into a mirror showed me ‘real conflict.’ The scene where a woman behind spoons an unresponsive Calvin Harris showed me ‘unbridled desire’ and ‘subservient woman’ The scene where the woman emerges from the water and gives porn face shows me ‘emerging from water sexily’.

Bravo Calvin Harris, you undying feminist, for this incredible and groundbreaking piece of visual art.

Anna Faris’ lips no longer look like slugs fighting over a shit.

Anna Faris’ lips no longer look like slugs fighting over a shit.

Because the world is on tenterhooks watching for the state of Anna Faris’ lips I am pleased to report that her mouth no longer looks like she’s trying to suck off an engorged penis.

Because Chris Pratt is now suddenly more famous than Anna Faris, here’s her clinging on to his ass for dear life at the iHeartRadio event

Chris Pratt kisses Anna Faris

 

And because Chris Pratt is always in immediate danger of becoming a fatty, here’s him proving that he’s lucky to have Anna Faris.

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Like sure Anna Faris kind of 60% of the time looks like a girl who’s wearing four day old makeup and I can’t at her hair colour for the past ten years, but she’s adorable and she’s funny as fuck and finally her lips do not look like they are stuffed with gummy bears any more which is a WIN for all of us. Anna Faris, if you are the kind of girl that googles herself, I am sorry in advance, and you look A LOT BETTER NOW, so please listen to the world’s (ie a single man’s) plea and put down the Nicole Kidman Box of Giving Face because that shit is faulty and Mattel have put a recall on it all round.

Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are definitely the cutest celebrity couple outside of Bennifer Mark II and I totally appreciate that they aren’t on the front of InStyle every second month talking about their family life in order to shill a new movie. I’d totally hit it with Chris Pratt and I’d totally be best friends with Anna Faris.

Here’s Jennifer Lopez’s ass again, because single sales.

As it is now mandatory to sing songs about asses, be a prostitute and give Iggy Azelea a third of your song, Jennifer Lopez decided to tick all of the above boxes in her video for “Booty“, an inspiring and emotional anthem about asses being big.

The unfortunate part of this video is that Jennifer Lopez is no longer a CURVY LATINA MAMA SALAS CONCHITA, she is now more muscular than Chyna’s clit and her ass looks like a teeny weeny next to all of the fat implanted asses we are seeing every damn day half naked at the VMA’s.  Because J.Lo knows she’s built like She-Ra now, she opted to get creative and cover her ass in maple syrup whilst she applies lip balm. The target demographic for lip balm are widely known to appreciate maple syrup too so this is just another great example of J.Lo’s conglomerate mind at work.

At this stage Iggy Azelea is kind of like wallpaper. Wallpaper from White Chicks with a huge ass, but wallpaper nonetheless.

Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Because Brit Brit is bored of being viewed as hypersexual and wants to go in an artistic new direction with her next album (read: it will end up being exactly the same as her last two albums) she took the natural next step to de-sexualize her image and be taken more seriously as a creative – she debuted her lingerie line in NYC yesterday!

Britney has already done more promotion for her lingerie line than she has for her last two albums. She appeared on Jimmy Fallon to do a little sell sell sell and didn’t look like she’d rather be slicing out her uterus and making a road runner b-line for the ocean on it, which is a new shade for her this year.

She is like two face. She looks totally great half-the-time and like a 45 year old housewife the other half. One thing is conclusive, that whoever is doing those damn mess wigs for her in Vegas needs to stop drop and ROLL out of her life, because seeing Britney with regular hair has become like seeing a unicorn in a forest. Rare and magical.

Brit wore a red jumpsuit because shes a mother now, and surprisingly looked classy and elegant throughout. Single power Brit-Brit is my favourite kinda Brit. She either goes crazy and falls into piles of cheetos and starbucks, or she publicly flaunts her hot new look on tellyvisions for us all to see, Y’ALL!

The best gift from this launch though was these tacky as fuck super elegant Maya Angelou level poems delivered in a seductive, sensual robot voice which always ends with the line “inspired by silk. silhouettes, and promises” which is interesting because i thought the motto would be “inspired by Frappes, vanilla candles and Cheeto dust

These adverts are hard to take because they are like a series of funhouse mirors of Brit Brits’ new surgery face. One minute, you’re like “Oh yeah there’s Britney Spears!” and the next minute you’re like “Harpo, who dis Bride of Wildenstein woman?”. Confusing.

 

Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

So this year’s Oscar race is already over before it started.

Super talented actress, talented actress, actress, singer, human person Jennifer Lopez is the Matthew McConaughey of the year. No she didn’t lose 100 pounds, no she didn’t do any method acting shit, and no, she didn’t put on any latex prosthetics. But what she did do is give the fanciest $30,000 caramel blow-out wig straight out of Falcon’s Crest’s “Too Exquisite to Wear” pile a loving home in “The Boy Next Door” trailer.

In the trailer J.Lo serves us up some “Beyonce in Obsessed realness,  except Jennifer Lopez plays a potential pedophile who instead of being a social menace, is sexy and hot because shes a LADY pedophile.

In addition to this small detail that is brushed aside almost immediately, J.Lo brings that little La Lopez magic by doing the following

1. J.Lo say’s ridiculous things, such as “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time” in response to a compliment about her looks – because she’s such a disgusting, dowdy old maid and no one finds her attractive any more.

2. J.Lo ONLY sits in soft, glamorous lighting, because this movie definitely isn’t “ENOUGH”. If you thought you were going to get a gritty, compelling thriller, then the fact it’s clearly been shot on the old Desperate Housewives set should put you straight.

3. J.Lo looks all suspicious and scared when her teenage lover makes stand-up comic worthy implications that he boned her in-front of her family. And by looking suspicious and scared I mean she looks like a German Shepherd in a sweater taking a shit whilst his owner calls him to hurry up.

4. And finally, J.Lo dresses like she’s in the 70’s for the entire movie. Because why the fuck not, mustard is a lifestyle, people!!

There’s a lot of shouting in faces, gentle pushing, and uncovering creepy shit in this trailer which is all good and well, but it’s missing the most IMPORTANT ingredient to any J.Lo smash…a stereotypically Hispanic career! Bitch forgot her roots!

White people loved J.Lo as the subservient maid in Maid in Manhattan, they loved J.Lo as a subservient dog walker in Monster in Law,  and they loved her as a subservient single mother in everything else in her filmography! Yet there there’s no  Ana Ortiz sassiness here, and J.Lo looks suspiciously upwardly mobile…  BORINGGG! How the hell are we supposed to delight in scenes where J.Lo says hilariously insulting things in Spanish about rich white people if J.Lo is a rich white person!? Maybe J.Lo finally realized that the world kinda sorta never bought her rags to riches tales.

Oh wait, never mind.

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