Jennifer Lopez to take over from Britney in Vegas

Jennifer Lopez to take over from Britney in Vegas

Looks like Britney Spears will not be building herself a cheeto palace in Vegas to retire to a bath of fraps every night after all. TMZ is reporting that latina pop sensation and Eric Cartman’s right hand Hennifer Hopez is closing on a deal to take over from Britney once she’s finished her residency, and J.Lo will get $40k more per show.

Like that makes total sense to me, except for the whole part about Jennifer Lopez having only headlined one tour ever. Worse still, said tour grossed even less than Brit Brit’s Groupon twofer event spectacular known as the Femme Fatall-i-wanna-do-is-have-a-seat Tour. It also made not even half of Britney’s “Circus” tour gross.

I mean, Jennifer Lopez is not someone you go and see. Jennifer Lopez is someone American Idol subjects you to because celebrity culture is the worst. This is a woman who has had five, maybe six solid hits in her career and the rest is like “Oh yeah, i forgot she recorded all of those other songs about being real”.

Britney Spears has the gays. If those Vegas hos think it’s just drunk gamblers who’ve helped Frostie von Frap sell out almost all of her shows then THEY GOT IT WRONG. The gays have travelled far and wide to see Britney again and again.

And what is that bitch going to do for her entire discography, because everything she’s ever recorded has been Jennifer Lopez FT.!? She can’t move Pitbull in, can she? She’s not going to get LL Cool J on board, is she? Iggy Azelea isn’t going to come and touch her ass every night, IS SHE?!

According to TMZ,  J.Lo will take over lip-syncing duties to not sing through 72 shows over 2 years for $26.4 Million rather than Brit Brit’s 96 shows for $29.8 Million, so even though Britney has a few million extra for her residency, she (ironically) has to work harder for it.

Brit Brit may be as fluid as an 45 year old Volvo after a rough winter at the Cornish seaside right now, but she at least has the starpower and, you know, the hit songs to back that shit up.

H.Ho is kind of like the Nicole Kidman of the pop world, everyone knows her ass but feels totally MEH about her. This is obviously not great news for Britney as it means she’s now gonna actually have to tour again, record another album and do some actual work.

Kris Jenner digitally enhances her instagram pictures.

Kris Jenner digitally enhances her instagram pictures.

In the least surprising and most important news ever written in the history of the written word, Kris Jenner has been found to be digitally enhancing her Instagram pictures before uploading them.

Kris is pimping out her horrible new cookbook and of course since she attracts other famewhores like flies to shit, she got TV Chef Gordon Ramsay to pose with her on her rounds.

However TMZ points out that whilst Gordon’s Instagram shows his face for the Mt Snowdon of crags it really is, Kim Sr’s version Gordon Ramsay has just had a beautiful milk bath, has fallen asleep and seems to be glowing. Kris Jenner’s instagram must have the special “VASELINE” filter turn on because that shit is softer than my dick after seeing a picture of Kris Jenner.

The Curious Case of Gwen Stefani has a new music video out.

Gwen Stefani probably slithered out of Lisle Von Rhoman’s Beverley Hills mansion before she filmed the music video for her new song “Baby Don’t Lie” because bitch has not aged a single iota in, well, ever.

In the video Gwen gives us ten shades of “Couldn’t be bothered making a music video” by effectively walking in-front of a greenscreen for the duration. It kind of looks like the 80s, 90s and 00s are all wrestling for top dominance in this video and that’s sort of a great way of describing Gwen Stefani on the whole.

Because greenscreen music videos are like REALLY EXPENSIVE (except not at all) and weird acid graphics probably cost Gwen’s label all of $10,000, she had to of course get some product placement in that mess, because the Gwen Stefani you know and love is now the Gwen Stefani wearing Pumas you know and love and also heres a nice phone, and look at this app.

I like Gwen Stefani because shes brazen enough to literally replay her music video for 30 seconds in rewind and think no-ones noticing that bitch went for the budget option on this one.

As a sidenote, I love the song. It’s like a Rhianna album cut from before Rhianna went all club, except its way better because its Gwen Stefani, and not Rhianna.

Monica Lewinsky gave a big ass speech about everything.

Monica Lewinksy hasn’t been seen for a while because Monica Lewinksy turns out to have FAILED at the class of gold-digging, fame-whooring and shameless Olivia Pope game. Also, that whole confidentiality order thing.

Monica decided to break her media silence at the Forbes Under 30 Summit and even though she read her speech like she was narrating an episode of Desperate Housewives, girl had some good shit to say – namely about how people at the worst and the internet ruins everything. Monica basically name called LA Deli and asked me how I can sleep at night. The answer is a lot of wine, Monica.

Monica also highlighted that America is a crazy fuckin place and her whole family were basically turned against each other and threatened with jail for life just because she blew the president.

It turns out Monica Lewinsky is a surprisingly classy act. Girl has some backbone and I high five her for blowing the president and overcoming Clinton dickmitzation

Oscar Pistorius jailed for five years.

Oscar Pistorius jailed for five years.

South African athlete and gun owner Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for the “culpable homicide” of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp today. In addition, the judge Thokozile Masipa also handed Pistorius three years suspended sentence for a firearms charge.

In all due to over-crowding and various other legal bollocks, Oscar will probably only serve around 10 months in prison according to his defence lawyers.

Apparently this is all part of a careful, diplomatic case in the eyes of the international media where South Africa’s massive prison over-crowding was expected to result in potentially no sentence for Pistorius in a country with an exceptionally high rate of violent crime.

In the end the judge decided that it was important to balance between retribution, deterrence and rehabilitation. She also side-eyed Oscar’s defence team for putting such an emphasis on his disability saying that the whole “BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE NO LEGS YOUR HONOUR!!!!!” line gave her a “feeling of unease”.

The judge added: “It would be a sad day for this country if an impression were to be created that there was one law for the poor and disadvantaged, and another for the rich and famous.”

The Paralympic committee also said he wouldn’t be allowed to compete for five years even if had an early release.

I dont know what I’m supposed to think here, but I get the feeling if i shot my date through a door because I got all confused and panicky like, I’d probably be looking at a little more than ten fucking months in prison. Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend and she died, even if he’s super sorry, even if he shot her in a moment of rage rather than a moment of panic, he shot the girl dead! Who the fuck does that?!

The fact remains that Oscar Pistorius was shooting at his bathroom door with the intention to kill whoever was in there, the fact that it didn’t turn out to be who he thought it was (allegedly) is immaterial, he was shooting at the door as if to kill the person inside. If that person came out and had a fucking knife or some shit, sure, shoot to save your ass, but for all he knew it could have been Christina Aguilera hiding from her fat bullies.

The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a real thing

The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a real thing

In news that might make you feel a little bit gayer for reading it, or SQUEE with joy (depending on how much Liza Minnelli you’ve been exposed to in your lifetime) The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants actresses Amber Tamblyn, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and Blake Lively are all actually in some sort of real life sisterhood.

It’s been almost seven years since the last “Pants” movie was released, and it’s been ten years since the first movie started rolling. Most actors don’t become terribly chummy after working with each other because EGO and DRUGS and SCANDAL, but in some wild fluke these four young actresses made a film and didn’t hate each other’s fucking guts.

So all of the girls turned up to support America Ferrera in her new play and took a selfie for Amber’s twitter. Thankfully Blake Lively didn’t turn up wearing a kaftan made from bespoke hand weaved Indian American textures.


Like, there’s some sick teenage girl part of me that is totally happy that these hos all like each other.  What is that about?!

I watched those movies and I did not hate them. And by that I mean im playing it cool and I’ve seen them like ten million times.  The girls also did an EW reunion special last year in which they all said mushy, beautiful shit about each other.

There’s allegedly a third movie in pre-production as of April this year, set ten years later for a reunion trip. Is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants going to become the new “Before” series. (Sunset, Sunrise, Midnight) and meet up with these girls every ten years?

I can absolutely see me in my meemaw glasses and with my little zimmerframe shuffling ass out to the cinema to watch these four geriatric hos talk about Golden Girls for an hour when im 80.

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