Separately, the names Perez Hilton and Katie Hopkins are toxic enough to require a hazmat suit, so it’s sort of a no brainer that that the high-brow geniuses at Channel 5 thought that chucking them together into the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother House was all we’ve ever hoped and dreamed of.
Katie, of course, is best known for being the UK’s punishment for allowing The Apprentice to happen. She is the adult female version of a 2002 internet forum. Remember forums? The things once used for something other than increasingly desperate cries for Vodafone technical support?
Perez on the other hand, is basically the human version of this website. That is if this website simply posted pictures of famous people with Microsoft Paint jizz coming out of their mouths, called everyone cunts, outed a bunch of celebrities, posted a lot of self-promotional news and directed you to merch wishing that mentally ill people would have died instead of troubled movie stars.
Unlike Perez, LA-Deli is (at the very least) dedicated to bringing you hot new music from breakthrough artists like the unforgettable Three Beat Slide.
Basically Perez and Katie are the two proudest people in the world of how inhumanely awful they are and arewalking examples of the liberal abuse of free-speech. Accordingly it makes 100% sense they’d be put together in an awful house on the worst television channel (Yes, worse than that one that only shows dodgy Irish country music) for the viewing pleasure of, I’m sure, the most interesting people at any watercooler.
You’d think that because Perez and Katie are two parts of the horsemen of the apocalypse that they’d get on swimmingly! Festering in their own putrid shit and inhaling the heady depths of each others massively important opinions about everything. But alas, the great ego required to be the most attention-whoring of trolls of the universe has prevented both parties from uniting in an unholy partnership to serve their Kardashian overlord.
Katie and Perez have been at it like two gay weiner dogs since they entered the house, and – in troubling news for Perez – his relentlessly exhausting general existence has played strongly in Katie’s favour.
When Perez spent the day wandering around in his just his pants (shudder), Katie, being the shrinking violet that she is, remarked that he had more “back fat than a blue whale”. Perez responded expectedly unfavourably – pushing Katie to counter that he should “man up“.
It was roughly at this stage that Perez dipped into his big bag of fuckery and pulled out the sparkly-ass homophobic card, a move that went down not so well with the other celebs. Those poor, poor nobodies. Vague shells of human beings at this stage whom, I’d imagine, are asking themselves which basket of adorable kittens they set ablaze to deserve this punishment.
All I can say is BRAVO to Channel 5 for making me remember they are still a network. BRAVO to Jordan for actually making herself appear relevant by surrounding herself with the only human beings in the universe less relevant than she is. And BRAVO to Perez Hilton, for doing the impossible and making Katie Hopkins look positively tolerable next to him. I mean, she’s not tolerable of course, but he’s just the absolute fucking worst.