Tulisa’s new face will not go to jail!

Tulisa’s new face will not go to jail!

Tulisa Constantinopleoisises, also known as the only X-Factor UK  judge to be more rubbish somehow than Nicole Scherzinger, was released from court today with all charges dropped after the judge decided that the witnesses were lying.

Tulisa was on trial after a newspaper reporter pretended to be a big Arab sheikh who promised her a $12 million starring film role in a Leo DiCaprio movie if she could sort him out with some charlie. One would generally wonder how a C-list singer from the United Kingdom failed to really consider the likelihood of being offered a Julia Roberts size salary to star in an A-List picture, but alas. Tulisa bought that shit up and so she charged the reporter for a baggy of coke.

Mazher Mahmood, the reporter for The Sun was deemed to be giving “inconsistent evidence” and apparently the Judge suspected he had coerced his driver to give two different statements. When this proved to be so he had no option but to throw the case out.

The real story here is not that Tulisa isn’t going to jail for dealing drugs, it’s that Tulisa’s stunning new Jodie Marsh face will live in the public eye for another day.

Tulisa Before and After Surgery

Tulisa used to look like a regular human person, but since Kim Kardashian came on the scene every female celebrity is now endeavouring to look as much like a blow up sex doll in human form as is physically possible – so as with most societal problems we can probably just blame the Kardashians again. And as for her gently morphing into Jodie Marsh? Well which girl didn’t grow up wanting to look like Jodie Marsh?

 

Shakira is the QWEEN OF FACEBOOK

Shakira is the QWEEN OF FACEBOOK

You may be surprised to learn that whilst Justin Bieber is the King of Douchebags and Taylor Swift may be the Queen of Fairtyale Forests it is in-fact Shakira who is the most liked person on Facebook.

Shakira just passed 100 Million likes on Facebook, which means over 100 million people clicked a button next to Shakira’s name admitting that they have fapped whilst watching “Whenever, Wherever” on mute.

Shakira is now not only the most popular goat on Facebook, but she is the most popular goat in the world, as only Facebook itself has more likes than Shakira on the social network. Accordingly, Facebook dedicated a video to Shakira as Mark Zuckerberg ordered an immediate market research report on how Facebook can purchase Shakira.

Shakira should probably take this as a sign to set up Goatbook as there are obviously 100 million Latin American goats who are hungry to praise their idol with statements such as

“Shak dear i love u from the core of my heart missing u sweet heart plzzz be mine forever and since i am very glad among one of 1 in the 100,000,000 once again love u dear”

Shakira is the Qween of the Goats and your faves could never. Except maybe Rihanna, that bitch also sounds like a goat and she got nearly 90 Million likes already.

 

James Garner has passed away

James Garner has passed away

This has been a pretty shitty week for the world.

First we lost the shining light of honest diatribes and dropping the ‘F’ bomb into the lap of botoxed morning TV hosts Elaine Strich and now we can add the living legend known as James Garner who has sadly passed at the age of 86.

James Garner has passed away age 86

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
James was best known for being in everything ever made. Seriously. James Garner was in EVERYTHING.  James became known for being a romantic lead and star of comedies in the 50′s and then went on to be a big television and movie star in the 60′s and 70′s, starring in such hits as The Rockford Files, The Great Escape, Maverick, Murphy’s Romance and more recently 8 Simple Rules and The Notebook. James Garner basically was nominated for and/or won every major acting award there was and passes as a legend of the silver and small screen.

 

 

Here’s a used robots condom from 2001

If what you are looking from in a pop song is “autotune until it’s almost unbearable” and a distinct lack of melody or lyrics, then you’re in luck – because everyone’s least favourite suppository from 2001 is back with her new smash flop “Come Alive”.

In the video, Paris Hilton copy and pastes Mariah Carey’s unicorn and candy-floss cloud dreams directly onto the screen and instead of the glorious  photoshopped Mimi communicating with dolphins, we instead have the hangover that we thought Kim Kardashian was brought on earth to erase by that dark sided magic spell.

Paris gives such insightful observations on culture and society as

Living a dream
Having fun
Love is my addiction
I don’t care what they say
This life I’m gonna live it
My life can get so crazy
Oh yeah oh oh
Our life is so amazing
It’s like forever
Only time will tell
How I feel about you

Which is really making me think at this stage that Tracey Chapman, Joni Mitchell, and Bob Dylan must have had a real fucking overnight session to get this one out of the door in time for Paris to record it.

Paris’ last single ‘Good Time’ went triple CASH4GOLD and as such it only makes sense that her label were keen to release this. What makes me confused and hurt inside as a human being more than anything else is that delusional music critics on the internet continuously shower us with such ridiculousness as suggesting that this latent teabag of a pop record could ever be passably considered a “hit” if it were recorded by another artist. This could be recorded by the ghost of Michael Jackson in a romantic duet with the ghost of John Lennon featuring a rap interlude by the Ghost of Princess Diana and it would still probably only go Soviet Russian Red in three countries.

Brit Brit without Autotune

So Britney Spears is widely considered to be the foremost vocalist of a generation, widely called upon for her acapella abilities and soulful renditions,  Spears has developed a far-reaching reputation as the most respected live vocalist of her era. Which is why the world is SHOCKED and APPALLED to learn that not only is Britney Spears not singing live, but in fact she relies heavily of vocal processing to make her voice passable.

The internets are losing their shit that Britney has apparently gotten away with being so tone deaf for so many years and now in an ESCALANDO leak she appears to have the musicality of your ten-bottles-in aunt at Christmas on your cousins broke ass plastic Karaoke machine.

Thoughts on this are yes, Brit Brit sounds horrible, but William Orbit has jumped to her defence and said that this was a warm up, not the final recording of Britney. When singers are not used to the tracks they are recording, they will trial it out to get a feel for the pitch and tone, which is probably a good thing because “pitch” and “tone” are not things that Brit is registering on this. William said the world should be ashamed for trying to make Brit look bad by leaking these unfinished test vocals.

That’s all fine and well and shit, but you know i nailed Alien better than this in the shower this morning (no shame) and I don’t get paid $300,000 a night to do this professionally.

I have to add though that something in the water aint quite right about the sample. It sounds like that shit has been autotuned at the start to make Brit sound even worse. And I guess the world can also turn to the various pieces of evidence out there that Britney can sing  and also the substantial evidence that she can’t hold a fucking note.

Personally i think Brit can probably struggle a song out, but in a studio after about four takes. She’s had so much vocal training to send like a prostitute having sex with a frog that her voice is a little fucked up and I don’t think anyone would pay $100 to hear Britney sing live.  I heard her sing live in 2004 for ‘Everytime’ and whilst she wasn’t terrible, I wasn’t upset when they put her mic back off after the song.

I also think William Orbit is probably right and this was not Brit giving it her all, but theres no doubt that years of smoking, drugs and whatever the fuck happened to her has left her with an even weaker voice than before.

Either way, at this stage with her records autotuned to a level that is actually distracting as you can hear the glitches on the final mixes and a Vegas show where it’s clear live singing is the least of the production’s priorities – Brit Brit will continue her swan song in Vegas before calling it a day as the world expects, and her ability to sing will be inconsequential.

 

Those shitty Transformers movies are still making money.

Those shitty Transformers movies are still making money.

 

Call me crazy, because I am crazy. But call me stupid, because I thought that when the world saw what a piece of shit stain the second Transformers movie was compared to the first that they’d turn their backs on that racist, lewd, eye fucking piece of shit franchise in time for the third film to become a hot mess flop, especially since the porn performance of Megan Fox would be replaced by the excellent delivery in the role of Piece of Wood with Tits by Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

 

As with most things in life, I was fucking wrong!  The third Transformers movie made $1.13 Billion worldwide and became the biggest movie in the franchise. So of course Hollywood decided to remove Shia Labeouf from the equation before he asked for dat money and brought in everyone’s favourite film actor that no one would specifically go and pay to see Mark Whalberg.

Somehow, the fact that basically everything that was present in the first film being completely non-present – and the fact that these movies are essentially 90 minutes of action blurs featuring indistinguishable robots fighting  doesn’t seem to have put anyone off as this shit is in line to open to over $93 Million at the US Box office this weekend. People are dumb bitches and so I can’t blame Hollywood for making dumb movies for these assholes.

Elsewhere this weekend, How to Train Your Dragon 2 will continue to be the lacklustre performer it should have never been,  Jersey Boys is looking a flop mess,  Maleficient will cross $200 Million on it’s way to $220 Million aka way, way above expectations. St Angie’s horned up performance will ultimately score her a $600 Million global supersmash which will by far and wide be her crowning motion picture achievement.

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