Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande sized ego

Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande  sized ego

Ever since Frankie Grande has been dropping deluded bomb after deluded bomb about how hes the most famous stahhhh in the world on Big Brother, Ariana Grande has been doing pretty sterling work to make her ass seem even more conceited and awful than her troll brother because they are part of the much lauded Grande dynasty dontyouknowthankyouverymuch.

Back when Ariana was on Victorius with Victoria Justice, everyone assumed Victoria Justice was a secret NIGHTMARE because Ariana Grande hated her and Ariana Grande looks like the cutest of all the Pokemon (aside from Squirtle) and so she couldn’t possibly be lying!!

Unfortunately Victoria Justice looks like she’s smoking the remnants of a failed pop career at the hands of an evil genius, because story after story keeps dropping of Ariana Grande being the little baby that Maleficent always wanted.  In fact, girlfriend has done such a great job of treating everyone so super well that Buzzfeed even have a timeline of her being the nicest popstar of all time.

Ariana was first quoted saying she hopes her fans DROP DEAD and then told the world that it was so mean for the media to misquote her saying things like that, because what she really said was she wanted them all to DIE IN A THOUSAND BURNING HELLFIRES.

Ariana, of course, vehemently denied that shes the Regina George of pop, which is just as well because Jessie J wouldn’t take kindly to being usurped by Gretchen Weiners.

Now it has emerged that  Ariana’s very own life coach (!??) and/or choreographer quit her lovely and precious ass months ago because Ariana Grande isn’t so much the delicious festive Starbucks  gingerbread delight you might think, but rather she’s more like having a cup of cyanide after a toddler has pissed in it and then laced it with ricin.

Page Six reports the source as having confirmed Ariana is the Justin Bieber of the female world and went on to spill MOAR juicy details about her weave and her weird dimple.

“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.” The source confirms, “She’ll only be photographed from the left side, in a certain light. She’s rude to her fans. She was so obsessed with her hair that she had it dyed every three days, and the big ponytail is fake.” The source adds, “She acts like a child and constantly needs people to coddle her.”

Naturally Ariana Grande hopped on the device that all of Satan’s spawn use to communicate called Twitter, and she chucked out another denial (which I’m assuming at this stage is simply created by a random generation program fuelled by the F5 key)

Fuck It, I Quit!

So when I quit my job I handed them a nice little two month notice package and helped train people’s asses and brokered a deal to best allow them to fill my role, but that’s only because I didn’t have a masterclass in eloquent quitting by genteel lady and surprise owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club Charlo Green.

Charlo showed us all how best to quit their jobs on air but surprise admitting she was the head of the cannabis club  mentioned in the story she was reporting in the following thoughtfully worded statement.

Now everything you’ve heard is why I, the actual owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club, will be dedicating all of my energy toward fighting for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska,” she said. “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice but, fuck it, I quit.”

And for that September the 22nd will now be known as Charlo Green Day. Also let’s spare a thought for the “Well, Fuck” face from the lady in pink reporting after Charlo walked out of that studio straight into a combine harvester full of weed. The Well, Fuck lady is exactly how I look when my boss throws a question to me in any meeting because she knows im four z’s away from completing the alphabet for the 195th time.

Calvin Harris’ new music video is the opposite of groundbreaking.

Because Calvin Harris wants to get laid, he’s been hitting the gym, dumping his STD’s and is now posing moodily all throughout a music video which says “If you want to be my girlfriend, be a size 4 and never speak to me ever”

In this video, Calvin decided to let the world know how he feels about women by ensuring that they are treated like pieces of sex meat during an unwieldy 4 Minutes 16 seconds of probably-gay singer John Newman sitting in the shadows (because he’s not Calvin Harris!) whilst Calvin Harris literally broods throughout and women drape themselves all over his indifferent self, lucky to be basking in the light of money and the smell of St Tropez tan. Of course it is never mentioned that any/all of the women in the video are realistically far too attractive to be in the same frame with either of the men on-screen, but naturally reductive superficiality is the furthest thing from the mind of the creators for the video.

Its a montage of “man watching women from projector room chair” which we have never seen before, and club dance scenes which we have never seen before, and semi-naked women which we have never EVER seen before.

I’m really glad that as Calvin Harris continues to infiltrate the charts with unique, game changing music (Read: Please stop now) he also shows us how music videos can be used to change the way women are perceived. For example the frame with the woman stumbling into a bathroom in her underwear to look into a mirror showed me ‘real conflict.’ The scene where a woman behind spoons an unresponsive Calvin Harris showed me ‘unbridled desire’ and ‘subservient woman’ The scene where the woman emerges from the water and gives porn face shows me ‘emerging from water sexily’.

Bravo Calvin Harris, you undying feminist, for this incredible and groundbreaking piece of visual art.

Anna Faris’ lips no longer look like slugs fighting over a shit.

Anna Faris’ lips no longer look like slugs fighting over a shit.

Because the world is on tenterhooks watching for the state of Anna Faris’ lips I am pleased to report that her mouth no longer looks like she’s trying to suck off an engorged penis.

Because Chris Pratt is now suddenly more famous than Anna Faris, here’s her clinging on to his ass for dear life at the iHeartRadio event

Chris Pratt kisses Anna Faris

 

And because Chris Pratt is always in immediate danger of becoming a fatty, here’s him proving that he’s lucky to have Anna Faris.

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Like sure Anna Faris kind of 60% of the time looks like a girl who’s wearing four day old makeup and I can’t at her hair colour for the past ten years, but she’s adorable and she’s funny as fuck and finally her lips do not look like they are stuffed with gummy bears any more which is a WIN for all of us. Anna Faris, if you are the kind of girl that googles herself, I am sorry in advance, and you look A LOT BETTER NOW, so please listen to the world’s (ie a single man’s) plea and put down the Nicole Kidman Box of Giving Face because that shit is faulty and Mattel have put a recall on it all round.

Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are definitely the cutest celebrity couple outside of Bennifer Mark II and I totally appreciate that they aren’t on the front of InStyle every second month talking about their family life in order to shill a new movie. I’d totally hit it with Chris Pratt and I’d totally be best friends with Anna Faris.

Here’s Jennifer Lopez’s ass again, because single sales.

As it is now mandatory to sing songs about asses, be a prostitute and give Iggy Azelea a third of your song, Jennifer Lopez decided to tick all of the above boxes in her video for “Booty“, an inspiring and emotional anthem about asses being big.

The unfortunate part of this video is that Jennifer Lopez is no longer a CURVY LATINA MAMA SALAS CONCHITA, she is now more muscular than Chyna’s clit and her ass looks like a teeny weeny next to all of the fat implanted asses we are seeing every damn day half naked at the VMA’s.  Because J.Lo knows she’s built like She-Ra now, she opted to get creative and cover her ass in maple syrup whilst she applies lip balm. The target demographic for lip balm are widely known to appreciate maple syrup too so this is just another great example of J.Lo’s conglomerate mind at work.

At this stage Iggy Azelea is kind of like wallpaper. Wallpaper from White Chicks with a huge ass, but wallpaper nonetheless.

Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Because Brit Brit is bored of being viewed as hypersexual and wants to go in an artistic new direction with her next album (read: it will end up being exactly the same as her last two albums) she took the natural next step to de-sexualize her image and be taken more seriously as a creative – she debuted her lingerie line in NYC yesterday!

Britney has already done more promotion for her lingerie line than she has for her last two albums. She appeared on Jimmy Fallon to do a little sell sell sell and didn’t look like she’d rather be slicing out her uterus and making a road runner b-line for the ocean on it, which is a new shade for her this year.

She is like two face. She looks totally great half-the-time and like a 45 year old housewife the other half. One thing is conclusive, that whoever is doing those damn mess wigs for her in Vegas needs to stop drop and ROLL out of her life, because seeing Britney with regular hair has become like seeing a unicorn in a forest. Rare and magical.

Brit wore a red jumpsuit because shes a mother now, and surprisingly looked classy and elegant throughout. Single power Brit-Brit is my favourite kinda Brit. She either goes crazy and falls into piles of cheetos and starbucks, or she publicly flaunts her hot new look on tellyvisions for us all to see, Y’ALL!

The best gift from this launch though was these tacky as fuck super elegant Maya Angelou level poems delivered in a seductive, sensual robot voice which always ends with the line “inspired by silk. silhouettes, and promises” which is interesting because i thought the motto would be “inspired by Frappes, vanilla candles and Cheeto dust

These adverts are hard to take because they are like a series of funhouse mirors of Brit Brits’ new surgery face. One minute, you’re like “Oh yeah there’s Britney Spears!” and the next minute you’re like “Harpo, who dis Bride of Wildenstein woman?”. Confusing.

 

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