So People magazine are kind of creepy fucks.

So People magazine are kind of creepy fucks.

People magazine are usually known for posting pictures about celebrities eating salad, walking around with water and talking about their ‘baby joy’. I guess it’s a slow news week for People, because they just published an article about a bunch of random people on dating sites who they think are kind of hot.

Writer Michelle Ward took time out of her busy schedule of talking about how celebrities lose weight, or gain weight, or maintain their weight to write this super not creepy at all article in which her research process appeared to be ‘Going on a lot of dating websites and finding pictures of people I find attractive’.

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If you want to perv on a bunch of random hotties who like long walks on the beach or are ‘tops looking 4 bottoms now, no bb’,  you don’t even have to sign up to that mess – you can just buy People’s Most Beautiful Publicist’s Issue 2014, where amongst pages upon pages of airbrushed pictures of famous hotties who they are telling you are beautiful even if you don’t think so, you will find a bunch of anonymous people from Grindr, Match and Jdate.

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People Magazine, because whenever you read this column and think it’s the sloppiest fucking mess you have ever read, you can rest assured that there’s publication that is bought by 3.5 Million people that has equally high journalistic standards and riveting content.

 

 

Katy Perry ruins a bunch of birthdays for her music video.

Because music videos these days have to be longer than Lord of the Rings and because we’re sort of bored with seeing Katy Perry’s tits at this stage (but not really, please more tits Katy!) she decided to make a long ass video for her new song Birthday in which she essentially goes around ruining people’s birthday parties for shits and giggles as five different, equally awful characters.

Of course, that shit ended up being about as heeelarious as Madeleine Stowe doing stand-up.

In the video Katy freaks out a bunch of old people by pretending to die at their party with her saggy tits out, traumatizes a bunch of children by eating a mouse at their party and then ruins another kids party as a drunk clown.

Of course the whole thing culminates in a “BUT DON’T WORRY, IM KATY PERRY!!!!!!” moment at the end, which is pretty bold of her given that if she’d turned up to my kid’s birthday party and made her cry by eating a mouse in front of her for a music video, i’d be even more likely to punch her in the poon, because profiteering off of peoples misery and ruining their birthday and hoping that everyone is just kind of going to like you because you are famous is kind of a dick move Katy.

Well, at least it’s not Hello Kitty.

 

 

 

Lina Nilson is one lucky, lucky lady.

Lina Nilson is one lucky, lucky lady.

Here’s a picture of Lina Nilson (20 something) and her boyfriend Roberto Cavalli (120 something) on a beach together in Miami

Lina must have a day to day struggle keeping her drooping tongue off of the exquisite curves she sees in front of her. The smell of crispy bacon, the gentile sagging of an aged moob, the sanitary towel stuck to a leg.

Lina is showing incredible amounts of self restraint on this beach for not jumping his bones then and there, which is for the best because at this stage there is no telling if jumping on Roberto Cavalli would critically endanger him.

Roberto is obviously using Lina for her fashion forwardness and love for elegant and well positioned tattoos, so I hope that Lina doesn’t get her heart broken by this sexy, gorgeous wolf of a man/stick of crisped bacon- because she is never going to find a lover as vigorous and beautiful as Roberto.

Once I saw an old Italian dude draped in gold jewelry walking down the street hand in hand with a boy made purely of muscles and skin-tight branded clothing who couldn’t have been any older than 20. They both decided it’d be a fun idea to stop in front of me whilst the old dude awkwardly held open the younger dudes mouth and tounge fucked him.

I am fairly certain one of his dentures fell into the younger mans mouth, but all I could do was gently give a slow hand clap in my head for that young muscle twinks dedication to the skank game of gold-digging. He was a grade-a skank who’s shame was a distant memory, drowning somewhere in a bath of money, gold watches and first class plane tickets.

That’s the day I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Pictures: Splash / Daily Mail.

Iggy Azalea’s vagina isn’t a bonus extra with her CD.

Iggy Azalea’s vagina isn’t a bonus extra with her CD.

Iggy Azalea has a new CD out and she want’s you to know when it arrives from Amazon it won’t be delivered by Iggy begging you to fingerbang her poon.

In ‘Gross, what is the world coming to‘ news, Iggy claims that she had to stop crowd-surfing at her concerts not because it’s a surefire way to break your nose, ribs, head, and have all your jewellery stolen, but rather because her fans kept sexually trying to sexually abuse her.

Iggy and her non-moving forehead stopped by Hot 97  to casually and explain  how fans plan to show up to her shows specifically to try and finger her, which she rightly says is a ‘violation’ and shockingly enough that she ‘doesn’t actually like that stuff’.

I will get lurk tweets for like a week before my show, like “I’m about to go to the Iggy Azalea show and I’m going to finger her,” and I’ll see it and be like, please don’t! That’s a violation. I don’t actually like that stuff.

Like, they think I’m real slutty, like “Oh, she got a song called ‘Pussy,’ I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.” Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.

In a charming twist the DJ’s handles the topic with the sensitivity that sexual assault would typical command – by recalling a time he may have anonymously fingered a girl at a keg party, before moving onto discussion about Iggy’s ‘puffy butt’. When Azalea say’s that she is “Not going to be intruded” the DJ performs a master-stroke in classy linkage by throwing to

Well you are currently being intruded by an NBA Player. Your boyfriend.

Later in the interview the DJ’s ask that if, due to her ‘risque’  lyrics and ‘big ass’ as well as propensity for twerking and wearing short shorts on stage , that this makes her a porn-star in the bedroom who’s dirty and nasty.

Again definitely appropriate question for a female guest on to discuss her new music. When Azelea rebounds the questions about her sex life again and again, the DJ chides her for appearing bashful when she ‘gets on stage with her ass out’.

The fact that Azaelea had previously mentioned at the start of the interview that she’s frustrated and annoyed at sexually inappropriate moves made on her because of her sexualized branding is obviously totally ignored by the DJ’s who essentially conducted an interview tantamount to a verbal equivalent.  The DJ clearly considers Iggy fair game to discuss sex despite her obvious discomfort because her music, he implies, is asking for it – if she likes it or not.

If the rest of her promotion tour is anywhere near as dedicated to its treatment of Azalea as a piece of meat as this interview (whom, for the record, never gets to talk about her music once in the ten minute interview) then I guess we shouldn’t be awfully surprised if her second album is sung from a nun’s convent.

 

 

Avril Lavigne’s new music video is just…wat.

Update: It appears Avril removed the video from Youtube AND Vimeo, the above is a fan uploaded video.

I think we can all agree that 18 year old’s singing songs like With You isn’t unimpressive.  By the same token, it can be said that a 29 year old woman singing songs like “Hello Kitty”  is most definitely unimpressive. Im kind of at the stage of thinking Avril Lavigne is the new Michael Jackson in that she’s never growing up and is always going to live in a hot topic wonderland as a gothic Alice.

Avril is sporting a look which says ‘Madonna fucked a cupcake and then fell onto a razor’, and she’s singing a song which I can only describe as one of the worst things to happen to pop music since, well, ever.

What makes this song an even greater travesty is not the fact that Avril Lavigne chose this as one of the cuts from what is actually a relatively solid pop album, (if you like your pop served by a grown-ass woman acting like she’s a slutty 18 year old) but it’s the sheer embarrassing ridiculousness of her music video.

Like, it’s the visual equivalent to chucking up pepto-bismol all over a dish of Wasabi. That is to say, it is not a very good music video.

In fact, it is so bad that Avril herself even looks uncomfortable, probably wondering how it came to this. A promising career as  the next Alanis Morisette ends up with a bit of her head shaved off whilst she wears a patent cupcake dress and sings about a Japanese craze which, for all intensive purposes,  became irrelevant about four years ago. Kind of like Avril herself. Le sigh.

Britney Spears’ last album wasn’t all sung by Britney Spears

Britney Spears’ last album wasn’t all sung by Britney Spears

The practice of big artists beefing up their vocals on tracks with a veritable chorus of backing singers is not a new one. Almost every major recording artist is guilty of this to varying degrees, and one who’s always been a notable adopter of softening her…distinctive vocal style with a symphony of other voices is Brit Brit.

After the debacle of her last album’s release cleared – that being intense fan dissatisfaction, questions over authenticity of vocals, outrage at poor autotuning et all - one of the remaining questions swirled around backing singer Myah Marie.

Marie has made a name for herself in recent years as a backing vocalist for Britney essentially because she sounds exactly like her. For Britney fans, mentioning Myah Marie’s name is like hitting a giant RAGE button to unleash this.

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