‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1′ opens softer than expected.

‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1′ opens softer than expected.

In tragic sob-worthy news, 2014 has become the year where Hollywood executives have been forced to trade in their blood-diamond encrusted jacuzzis to ones made from humble silver and aluminum, because people have finally had enough of paying eight hundred dollars to go and see a movie being constantly interrupted by twats with mobile phones.

Box office grosses are significantly down year on year, and because Hollywood executives are largely a bunch of stupid fucks, the industry was pinning all of its hopes on “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One” to make dat money. It has, of course, but not enough for those greedy anuses!

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The movie opened to $17 Million from midnight showings despite widespread snowstorms on the eastern seaboard and no I-MAX grosses to help boost the returns this time around.

That’s right, literally millions of people went to watch this shit at midnight through a fucking snowstorm and yet Hollywood execs are running out into the street, throwing their hands in their air and screaming “WHYYYY, WHYYYY CRUEL WORLD??” because they expected that shit to do marginally better. 

Mockingjay also is estimated to be grossing $55.5 Million on Friday for around $130 Million this weekend which is almost a quarter down from Catching Fire and even down from the original Hunger Games (both opened above $150 Million) and those bitches are confused as to why. So I thought I’d help them figure it out.

Reason number one:

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and Reason Number two

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Those bitches got greedy!
Mockingjay still got decent reviews and is getting solid word of mouth, but it’s definitively tepid compared to Catching Fire, and the reason? Because they took the shortest, weakest book in the series and split it into two entire two hour movies to make more fucking money.

I saw Mockingjay on Wednesday and that shit is good. It’s engaging, exciting and everyone is into it in the movie. But you can feel them padding that out with dollar signs. They even visit the same location twice for “reflection”. There’s a lot of “reflection” in this movie. If they’d made the final book into one 2 hour 45 minute movie, that shit would have been perfect. As two parts, it’s good.

Still, Lionsgate aren’t going to be crying because they made the movie’s entire production budget back in a weekend and overseas the movie is on track to be even bigger than Catching Fire. As BoxOfficeMojo also points out, the “Part One” of any final chapter in a franchise sees a dip.

Either way, when a movie that is guaranteed to be the biggest film of the year is considered “disappointing” because it’s only grossing above $120 Million and increasing on previous films overseas then you know you have the most ridiculous first world problem known to man.

Someone let Brit Brit read something mean about her.

Jimmy Kimmel must have slipped Papa Spears some extra shit hot emmental this month because Papa Spears actually allowed Brit Brit to hold an actual real telephone and use it to read something on the internet about herself that wasn’t “Britney Spears is the most talented dancer of all time.” or “Britney Spears in Vegas is absolutely SLAYING at arm movements”. Nope. Brit Brit joined the MEAN TWEETS crowd on Jimmy Kimmel dressed like a reject from Lost in Space to show a quick second of humanity and realization that Brit Brit might not be the 100% most relevant superstar on the planet any more.

Also of note is Gwyneth Paltrow looking annoyed and upset because people called her a ugly ass big bird lookin bitch. Chloe Moretz also showed up looking like a giant Scottish doilie.

Everything about the 711 video and song is a fucking mess.

No comment necessary other than the title, really. I see Beyonce trying to give this an =authentic= feel but Gore Verbinski can be seen seated in front of the 120 person production team at around 3 minutes 4 seconds. What a fucking drag it must have been to have Beyonce take over an entire hotel room floor to make this mess because there is no excuse for the levels of terrible that this song is.

I’M NOT GAY NO MORE!

I think Andrew Caldwell is a little confused about what being gay actually entails, but being hetrosexual has clearly given him a case of the EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSES because when he talks about women he sounds like he’s halfway between throwing up in his mouth and having a demon crawl out of him whole to consume the audience.

Also Andrew Caldwell can tell us he’s straight all he damn well wants, but that bow tie, handkerchief and jacket are definitely 100% straight up homosexual. They deserve to be sashaying around Hollywood on 80% out celeb John Travolta – not on this gay hater!

Presenting: The sliding King Charles spaniel in the “Age of Adaline” trailer

Presenting: The sliding King Charles spaniel in the “Age of Adaline” trailer

Blake Lively jumped on the right dicks in Hollywood, that much is true, because Blake was cast in the MUCH COVETED role of Adaline in the movie “Age of Adaline” which was a top secret project for some/whatever reason.

Well it’s not a secret any more because the hos at Lionsgate decided to ship the “Adaline” trailer with “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One – The bit where Katniss sits underground for a lot of the time and looks really sad”  because The Hunger Games 3 is going to sex a lot of eyeballs this weekend.

Blake managed to beat out Katherine Hagel who got fired from this shit so we can at least be thankful that we wont have to watch Hagel massacre another movie.

The trailer features Blake Lively as an ageless beauty (!) who makes hos suspicious because she’s got a broken ageing switch . Blake can NEVER LOVE because everyone around her dies (she’s like the human version of The Ring) and despite Hollywood having basically already done this with The Time Travellers Wife, they are never one to let a relatively blah idea go without giving a good second shake.

The best thing about the Age of Adaline trailer is around 1 Minute 36 when this little bad boy comes along

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YASS! The sliding King Charles Spaniel steals the show! That bitch has better hair than Blake, is more lively than Blake, and moves more convincingly than Blake. That Spaniel is probably giggling in it’s trailer whilst reading Preserve.us and doing blow from the tits of a Poodle. Blake Lively could NEVER and should give up.

Age of Adaline shall henceforth be known as Age of Spanieline.

Bob Geldof is pissed off at Adele, and she doesn’t care.

Bob Geldof is pissed off at Adele, and she doesn’t care.

Bob Geldof is basically the self-styled Ghandi of music and as such he likes to round up famous people sometimes and shame them into a vanity project in which celebrities test the level of their public’s adoration by standing together in a room and singing a really old shit song urging you to give money to poor  and sick people. After this they hop back into their jets, boats and private cars to their next pool party to lie in a bed of blood diamonds and snort coke off the asses of sex-traffic workers from the shittiest parts of Eastern europe.

Bob argues Band Aid is all about the spirit of giving, but everyone else argues that those rich ass hos who sing that mess of a song should be paying from their pockets instead of forcing us to.

One person who might have felt that way is Adele. Adele has basically quit music right now to raise her family, but Bob Geldof and Midge Ure were frothing at the cooch to get Adele on the track because Adele can sell more CDs with a fanny fart than the entirity of One Direction combined. When they called up Adele a hundred million times she was for none of it. Not only did Adele not answer those hos, she’s not even answering her manager right now.

Ursula from Little Mermaid

Adele as drawn by Bob Geldof

Bob Geldof called out Adele for being the Ursula of land and said

Adele is doing nothing, she’s not answering the phone… she’s not writing. She’s not recording. She doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. She won’t pick up the phone to her manager. She’s bringing up a family, you know.”

How dare Bob Geldof call the Queen of CD Sales a lazy bitch!  Every second that Adele is alive she’s verryyyy very slowly squeezing a new CD out of her heehaw and that takes time, effort and energy! Adele has a follow up to “19” and “21” she’s working on called “84, and at this rate probably 90 to be honest” and Bob should respect that birthing the greatest work of art of our time is a full on fucking job.

Of course, Adele’s people did not take kindly to being publicly berated for the whole affair. Her representative peons said that Adele had never ever confirmed this shit and Bob Geldof is a twat for putting her name on the billing just to generate hype and pressure her into doing it, in the same way he did with Foals.

“Bob and the organisers spoke directly with [Adele’s] management but at no point was she confirmed.”

 

The peon went on to say that Adele did what all those other famous hos should really be doing and put her hand in her own pocket filled with millions of pound bills and gave that money directly to a charity helping out in Africa to fight Ebola. Maybe Adele felt a bit ICK NAST at the whole idea of gaining publicity off the back of a good cause, or maybe she just realized she didn’t want to be associated with one of the worst songs of all time that keeps getting trotted out like a bad case of crabs every few years.

Adele = 1.
Room full of fame seeking hos = nill.

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