Paul Ross has revealed to The Sun (read: The Sun threatened to publish the lover’s tell all so he gave quotes for damage-control) that he had a six month gay affair behind his wife’s back (GASP) and they did drugs (GASSP) and he was addicted (GASP!) oh and the other person was a dude (!!!!!!!)
Incase you’re wondering who the fuck Paul Ross is, he’s Jonathan Ross’ brother who basically shills himself out to any fronting UK tv quiz shows. He’s become kind of part of the tapestry of the UK tv business, like a second rate cousin of Richard & Judy.
Paul has been married to wife Jackie for ten years and has five kids. He said he initially went online to look for sex because he was stressed out financially. Which makes total sense. But LiLo level delusion and lies doesn’t stop here.
Paul met up with Barry Oliver, a former English teacher, at a local dogging spot. Somehow we’ve jumped from “being stressed out and going online to look for sex” to “meeting a male man to have sex with in a dogging spot”. It was obviously love at first fumble in the bushes, because this is when Paul decided to meet up with Barry regularly for sexytimes.
It was also Barry who introduced Paul’s precious naive self to Mephedrone or Meow Meow. To say that Paul was into Meow Meow would be an understatement. That bitch snorted Meow Meow from every fucking surface up to six times a day. If Paul saw a horizontal plane he’d look at it and think “that’d look better with meow meow being snorted off of it”. At his drug addiction peak, Paul even snorted it from Barry’s face.
‘I was on telly in the Eighties and drugs were all around and I never tried them. Anyway, so I tried this stuff and then we had sex and it was just incredibly intense. It was all about the drugs.’
Right. Again not really hearing all that much about the whole “Oh by the way I had sex with a man behind my wifes back” part of it. But sure.
His wife became suspicious when Paul would return home with his eyes lolling around his head and a leeeetle bit of semen on his chin. No im kidding, but she did become suspicious though, because Paul’s ass was out getting pounded at night, so she did what any loving wife would – she tracked him using the Find My Iphone App.
That pesky Find my iPhone app is ruining all kinds of lives this week! First Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver, now Paul Ross’ secret life as a homosexualist!
It didn’t take Jackie long to figure out that Paul wasn’t down at waitrose for four hours every night and thats when shit ended, so say they. Jackie served up high levels of delusion when she downplayed the whole “My husband could well be gay” part of things by saying
‘I know 90 per cent of Paul is a good man. He’s a good dad. I feel the sex was part of the mephedrone package, I don’t see it as a gay relationship, I see it as part of the drugs.’
Translation: Paul Ross is broke, bitch and Jackie aint getting shit if she divorces him now! I guess Jackie must have missed the whole part where Paul only started taking drugs when he was at his male lover’s apartment.
The BBC have currently given Paul “some time off” to deal with his “personal issues”. But thankfully for Paul Lindsay Lohan is currently hard at work writing a welcome letter to the thick-as-thieves club of public tomfoolery. She’s sending the induction pack, where the first chapter discusses how best to lie to the public about being in one place, even if you’re clearly photographed being in another. These are skills Paul might find useful.