Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner ruin each others friendships.

July 30, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment

Because the trundling marriage cart of Bennifer 2 is careering down to the messy end of its road, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck both appear to be engaging in that age old game of being 14 and having former friends accuse the other’s piece of being weird and controlling.

A few weeks ago 13 Going on 30 co-star Marc Ruffalo reminded us of a time when Jennifer Garner seemed poised to not star in endlessly terrible films. Marc said he was pretty good buddies with Jennifer Garner back then but when Ben Affleck got serious with Jennifer, Marc was handed a pink slip with the imprint of a butt-chin on it, and that is how it feels to be told ” BYE, BITCH” by Ben Affleck.

At Comic-Con this weekend, Ben’s old friend Kevin Smith who you might remember starred in a movie opposite Jennifer Garner has now got something to say about why he is no longer in the inner circle.

When recently asked why he is no longer nuzzling in Ben’s soft butt chin, Kevin said.

“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades….That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”

Apparently in a 2009 interview Kevin added

“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your a–.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.”

So basically Jennifer Garner took issue with Kevin Smith talking about the sex things he’d do to Ben Affleck’s butt chin. In Jennifer’s world, whats cute and funny is a video of a tiny little horse riding on the back of a baby hippo to Carpenters songs. And that’s fine.

In fairness to Bennifer though, when Ben Affleck was friends with Kevin Smith he was also making Gigli and dating Jennifer Lopez. Maybe Kevin as a friend was part of a larger picture of questionable life choices.

Like if i were to choose between a life of dating the nightmare that is Jennifer Lopez Inc, gambling with Kevin Smith and making terrible movies for publicity over being married to Jennifer Garner, winning Oscars and having an adorable family, I know which one i’d take. Dimples for all.

Usain Bolt is in DANJA GURL

Posted by: Deli Llama

July 30, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment

Usain Bolt is currently in Scotland to compete in the Commonwealth Games, and he better ensure he is driving to and from the venues in a car inside a car inside a car that is bullet proof; because Usain made the grave mistake of insulting the Scottish today.

According to The Times, Usain was caught calling the Commonwealth Games “A bit shit” and saying that the “Olympics were better” and that he was “not really” having fun, which would come as no surprise since he’s basically irked all responsibility to show face at anything at the Games since he arrived. Usain probably didn’t get the memo that the Commonwealth Games has 5% of the budget of the Olympic Games, or that saying something bad about Scotland when actually in Scotland puts life expectancy somewhere in the “Have had sex with Paris Hilton” and “Recently in contact with Ebola” range.

Bolt has of course denied denied denied that he’s an ungrateful son of a bitch, because he knows he will be lynched with Irn Bru bottles on the track if he doesn’t eat some humble pie pronto. That big terrifying fucking thistle mascot is probably going to creep into Usain’s room tonight and rub its prickly thistle head against his chest so he gets a rash. Seriously though, that mascot is the hottest cracked out mascot I have ever seen. It kind of looks like something you would get if you fed a toddler a baggy of coke, showed them what hash looks like and then gave them a pencil. Which actually doesn’t seem to have been too far off the truth.

Jay-Zzz and Thiefonce are an arranged marriage says PageSix

Posted by: Deli Llama

July 30, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment

Jay-Zzz and Thiefonce are an arranged marriage says PageSix

If you are standing up, sit down. If you are sitting down, put down any hot beverages. If you are sleeping, wake up but ensure you are surrounded by the cushions of Lisa Rinna’s pillow lips because PageSix has some SHOCKING and SCANDALOUS new information about Jay-Z and Beyonce’s marriage that will almost certainly make you pass out, stop all current wars due to weeping and shaking soldiers and probably cease the production of all questionable lace-front weaves forever.

PageSix (Six is the number of the DEVIL for this dark-sided smear story) claims that Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t really the true life version of Belle and the Beast and that Solange isn’t really Mrs Potts.

Walt-Disney-Characters-image-walt-disney-characters-36790481-5628-3240

Solange, is that you?

PageSix say Bey and Jay are only together for mutual business and nothing more.

The source claims that their romance started out all one-sided, with Jay-Z being obsessed with Beyonce but Beyonce being like “Why dis ugly dude keep calling me?”.

Because Beyonce was raised in the House of ~~Ruthless Ambition~~ Dereon, the Knowles’ quickly recognized that Jay-Z would be mutually beneficial to Thiefonce’s career in swagger-jacking from artists and other celebrities.

It was a master stroke of marketing: She gave him class, he gave her cred. Jay Z was infatuated with Beyoncé, says the source, but the bottom line was business; he knew he could do big things for her, and together they could be a juggernaut. For Beyoncé, however, it was a slower burn. According to an interview with the website Celebuzz, her uncle Larry Beyince said that initially his niece had no interest. “He was after her and she wasn’t,” Beyince said. “She told me she wasn’t too fond of him … I guess she wasn’t attracted to him.”

The source goes on to say that Beyonce was only interested in Jay for his savvy business-mind, because Jay-Z kind of looks like Joe Camel. At some stage Beyonce saw inner beauty somewhere and fell in love with Jay but that shit has since evaporated and now they are purely faking it.

PageSix suggests that they were both hitting it on the side throughout their relationship, and that the landing strip of Barbados known as Rihanna is probably Jay-Z’s current piece, and that he was going to see her the night Solange transformed into her ultimate form and smacked down Jay-Z hard.

For a feminist who sings shit songs about girls running the world, Beyonce sure has spent a lot of time being controlled by other men.

Beyonce’s controlling shareholders.

First her father, Matthew Knowles, was essentially a slave driver and master puppeteer of Destiny’s Child, and then after that shit Beyonce moved from one controlling man in her life to another in Jay-Z.

“Beyoncé had gone from one man to another, never truly being on her own,” the source said, adding, “There’s no bigger controller than Jay Z.”

Finally(Stop crying to take a breath), the article paints Beyonce and Jay-Z as two ruthlessly ambitious bitches who’ve been more than happy to phone in that marriage to make DAT MONEY, and that Beyonce’s ego is so great that she has had a film crew record her every day since 2005, and stores all of the rushes from her filming in a climate controlled NBC Warehouse. Because there’s not a shit that Beyonce takes that shouldn’t be noted as the most beautiful, humble, gorgeous shit of all time on celluloid.

I think we should all take a moment to stop and thank Solange who was let out of the tea cupboard long enough to cause a ruckus and bring the world’s attention to the fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z haven’t done any authentic since they flopped out of the womb. I can’t wait for Disney to re-imagine this classic tale of true love with the new Beyonce and Jay-Z angle where Mrs Potts is definitely played by Solange and is the evil orchestrator of the downfall of fake love. Maleficent needs to watch out for Mrs Potts.

Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj did a song together.

Posted by: Deli Llama

July 28, 2014 in Celebrities, Music, Music Videos Leave a comment

So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess.

So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to.

listen to ‘Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang’ on Audioboo

Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea.

I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx.

Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which celebrities are currently lying to you like you’re a fucking half-wit, because it increases your ability to know useless fucking shit by 40% and you can make a pie chart about that for your next powerpoint presentation.

Britney Spears’ face looks different.

Posted by: Deli Llama

July 28, 2014 in Celebrities, Fashion Leave a comment

So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows.

Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear.

Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”.

What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing either.

And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.

Hilary Duff is back with new music.

Posted by: Deli Llama

July 28, 2014 in Celebrities, Music Videos Leave a comment

Remember Hilary Duff? I remember photoshopping Hilary Duff’s giant horse teefs onto a can of horse beans and animating it’s arms all in the name of HIGH HUMOUR for this website before. This fact reminds me how many hours of perfectly usable life I have wasted on entirely useless celebrities, and it feels great you guys.

Anywayyyy Hilary Duff is back from the grave of irrelevance (other residents: Jewel, Melissa Joan-Hart, Tia and Tamara) in order to give the public what we’ve all been waiting for, new music!

Of course, by “the public” I mean four very specific gay men who live in Ohio. Those four husky twinks are wearing their Metamorphosis Album tank tops tonight in celebration of the return of true pop ~~diva~~/~~legend~~/person who can almost sing Hilary Duff.

Hilary has released her new summer jam “Chasing the Sun” (Listen Here) which, if you don’t want to fall into a coma, sounds- and I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – like a shittier, less fun version of “Stars are Blind” by Parasite Hilton.

Yup, definitely going to hell now.

I just don’t understand why Hilary couldn’t come up with writing something more personal than this shitty Colbie Callait phone in. For example a song about Carrots and Sugarcubes. Carrots&Cubes could have been the hottest summer jam of the year.