So Adam Sandler is everyone’s awkward uncle.

So Adam Sandler is everyone’s awkward uncle.

When you turn up to a movie premiere with Jennifer Garner things that might be appropriate to wear include but are not limited to – a tuxedo, a three piece suit, a blazer and smart jeans (if its a romcom) and a neatly tucked shirt with the right trousers.

Things that you probably shouldn’t wear? The uniform of a 74 year old golfer from Florida. Especially if you have enough in the bank to buy Florida.

Adam Sandler didn’t get the memo.

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Adam Sandler turned up to a premiere in his fucking sneakers with the laces undone. It’s like Adam decided to be the posterboy for “Tired” and “No fucks left to give” campaigns at the premiere, so much so it just sort of looks like Adam Sandler is a displeased audience member for the premiere of “Men, Women & Children” who doesn’t give a fuck about famous people, so kind of like everyone from Florida then.

Of course this movie looks super boring, and that should be no surprise to anyone since the last fun Jennifer Garner film to have been made was 10 years ago now.

 

Jennifer Lopez thinks her ass is a feminist.

Jennifer Lopez thinks her ass is a feminist.

Jennifer Lopez is the most important singer, actress and reality tv show judge of a generation, so it comes as no surprise that J.Lo keeps the levels of delusion low low low on a new interview regarding the hardcore pornography advertisement for tag-team escorting services known as her Booty music video.

In an interview with Yahoo!, J.Lo said the video is really important for women, because nothing stands up for women’s rights to be women at ANY age than shaking your womanly ass against another woman’s.

She went on to say that once you become an old dame after turning 28, then you don’t have to go and kill yourself – instead you should allow yourself to grow old gracefully by accepting that with age comes wisdom, maturity and a new kind of sophisticated beauty. Except not really.

“This is good for women,” she insisted. “You have to know that you don’t disappear after you’re 28 years old. You can be here, you can be vital and young and sexy and feel good about yourself.” 

So incase there was any confusion that Jennifer Lopez went to The Mimi & Madonna School of Never Ageing where she majored in “Grabbing onto youth with your muscular, sinewy claw-like spider arms” and minored in “heavily Photo-shopping out the truth” then there you have it.

And of course Booty  is really a feminist anthem! That’s why J.Lo cut Pitbull from the record. Not because Pitbull is this close to appearances on the East Hill Mall commercials, but rather because Iggy Azelea is another strong feminist voice! Yeah! GIRL POWER etc! (and definitely not focus group record label pairings). 

I can’t wait to hear what Annie Lennox has to say about J.Lo and her empowering ass, though I suspect Annie Lennox only just realized Beyonce wasn’t a cartoon character so we could be waiting a while before she realizes J.Lo isn’t an acronym for some dirty term for your period.

The Frogtease Worm

This fucking worm is such a cocktease. Look at it behind that iPhone screen wiggling its lithe and flexible ass, telling those fuckin frogs what they are missing. This worm is basically the picture of an Oreo ice-cream sandwich in front of the empty section in the Tesco fridge. I have felt the pain that those horny hungry frogs are feeling right now. It’s like the pain of being in Ku Bar after 11pm on a Friday.

Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande sized ego

Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande  sized ego

Ever since Frankie Grande has been dropping deluded bomb after deluded bomb about how hes the most famous stahhhh in the world on Big Brother, Ariana Grande has been doing pretty sterling work to make her ass seem even more conceited and awful than her troll brother because they are part of the much lauded Grande dynasty dontyouknowthankyouverymuch.

Back when Ariana was on Victorius with Victoria Justice, everyone assumed Victoria Justice was a secret NIGHTMARE because Ariana Grande hated her and Ariana Grande looks like the cutest of all the Pokemon (aside from Squirtle) and so she couldn’t possibly be lying!!

Unfortunately Victoria Justice looks like she’s smoking the remnants of a failed pop career at the hands of an evil genius, because story after story keeps dropping of Ariana Grande being the little baby that Maleficent always wanted.  In fact, girlfriend has done such a great job of treating everyone so super well that Buzzfeed even have a timeline of her being the nicest popstar of all time.

Ariana was first quoted saying she hopes her fans DROP DEAD and then told the world that it was so mean for the media to misquote her saying things like that, because what she really said was she wanted them all to DIE IN A THOUSAND BURNING HELLFIRES.

Ariana, of course, vehemently denied that shes the Regina George of pop, which is just as well because Jessie J wouldn’t take kindly to being usurped by Gretchen Weiners.

Now it has emerged that  Ariana’s very own life coach (!??) and/or choreographer quit her lovely and precious ass months ago because Ariana Grande isn’t so much the delicious festive Starbucks  gingerbread delight you might think, but rather she’s more like having a cup of cyanide after a toddler has pissed in it and then laced it with ricin.

Page Six reports the source as having confirmed Ariana is the Justin Bieber of the female world and went on to spill MOAR juicy details about her weave and her weird dimple.

“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.” The source confirms, “She’ll only be photographed from the left side, in a certain light. She’s rude to her fans. She was so obsessed with her hair that she had it dyed every three days, and the big ponytail is fake.” The source adds, “She acts like a child and constantly needs people to coddle her.”

Naturally Ariana Grande hopped on the device that all of Satan’s spawn use to communicate called Twitter, and she chucked out another denial (which I’m assuming at this stage is simply created by a random generation program fuelled by the F5 key)

Fuck It, I Quit!

So when I quit my job I handed them a nice little two month notice package and helped train people’s asses and brokered a deal to best allow them to fill my role, but that’s only because I didn’t have a masterclass in eloquent quitting by genteel lady and surprise owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club Charlo Green.

Charlo showed us all how best to quit their jobs on air but surprise admitting she was the head of the cannabis club  mentioned in the story she was reporting in the following thoughtfully worded statement.

Now everything you’ve heard is why I, the actual owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club, will be dedicating all of my energy toward fighting for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska,” she said. “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice but, fuck it, I quit.”

And for that September the 22nd will now be known as Charlo Green Day. Also let’s spare a thought for the “Well, Fuck” face from the lady in pink reporting after Charlo walked out of that studio straight into a combine harvester full of weed. The Well, Fuck lady is exactly how I look when my boss throws a question to me in any meeting because she knows im four z’s away from completing the alphabet for the 195th time.

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