Damn Photoshop, You Scary!

Damn Photoshop, You Scary!

So Lady Gaga apparently is starring in a bunch of ads for Versace. I am really not all that interested in that, and part of that could be due to the sleep sedative I took 20 minutes ago kicking in, so stick with me and let’s see if we get through this together.

Gaga’s ads have been recently released, and now we are able to see the un-retouched shots from the shoot it’s become pretty apparent that China’s entire labour force were trained on Adobe Creative Cloud for this editorial. So much Photoshop was used on these Gaga pictures that Mariah Carey stopped for a second and could detect a shift in the force.

Jezebel highlighted the pictures which show Gaga looking like The Ghost of Chlorine Past who was shoved in some Versace trash-ass hooker dress to give her pancake titties, put in a gigantic wig and sent to some jonky  lounge with a 14 year old who’s learning how to work a DSLR. Somehow these images through the WONDERS OF PHOTOSHOP go from this…

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to this…

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Like what I want to know about this shit is if you are going to have your model looking like she’s got more makeup on than Christina Aguilera has when she goes to bed at night, then what the hell is the point of not having them made up in the first place? Like, did they just tell Gaga – we want you to be a blank canvas we will paint upon like with clown makeup?

 

OMG YAASSS: The Naked Wine Thief

OMG YAASSS: The Naked Wine Thief

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the iconic diety-woman who must have been my mother in another life named Desiree Taylor. Desiree might not be a name you know right now, but you should, because she excelled at all areas of LIVING LIFFFEEEEEE when she entered a supermarket and stole two boxes of wine without any underwear on.

Desiree clearly Desiree-d a box of wine or two but obviously didn’t have any cash in her pockets to pay for it at the unless you count her meat wallet – so don’t hate on her! What was she supposed to do, go all the way back to Bai Ling house party for appropriate dressers to get some trousers? Bitch no! Desiree obviously wanted to get some 2pm Tuesday sun around her clam and figured as she was walking around the only thing that could make this perfect, breezy afternoon better would be a sophisticated glass of wine poured from a box.

Desiree aka your new fave was previously arrested long enough to give this glorious headshot and is still a DIVA-AT-LARGE and on a serious note could be dangerous if she mixed red with white. Desiree apparently has already been arrested for some other crimes, another example of how our society wont let people just be great.

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Desiree, I know that face girl. I feel ya. I feel ya.

 

 

Zefron’s abs have offended everyone. Except me.

Zefron’s abs have offended everyone. Except me.

So some shit called the MTV Movie Awards went down last night. The MTV Movie Awards are to Awards what Jamie-Lynn Spears is to country music(Read: Not taken seriously, no-one cares) – so It comes as no surprise that I didn’t even know that mess was on as I have much more important things to do, such as picking my belly button lint out.

What I do know about it though is that Jennifer Lawrence didnt turn up, as I wasn’t flooded with new GIFs of her doing arm farts and falling over in some fancy dresses this morning.

What I also know is that Zac Efron had his shirt ripped off by Rita Ora when he wont the illustrious and coveted title of Best Shirtless Performance (No, honestly) which worked out pretty well for Rita Ora since America still think she’s a denture fixing gel and getting Zac Efron shirtless immediately wins you like 50 life points. Zac came dressed in spray shade 43, Deep Mahogany – but is available to order in different shades.

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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actor Zac Efron accepts the Best Shirtless Performance award for 'That Awkward Moment' onstage at the 2014 MTV Movie Awards at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Images: JustJared/Getty

A lot of ass-holes on the internet are taking that precious career defining moment away from Zefron by pointing out that if, for example, Emma Watson won “Best Bra Titty Show” for a movie and someone ripped HER shirt off to make her awkwardly parade around a stage half naked, that the world would be singing a different song, but don’t tell me that Zac’s specifically bronzed abs weren’t primed to make an appearance. JUST DON’T.

Before you feel bad for Zefron having his man-dignity stolen away, do keep in mind that he didn’t exactly run off the stage in shame, was interviewed with his shirt open afterwards, and also has starred in no less than EVERY SINGLE MOVIE HE’S EVER BEEN IN with at least one shirtless scene. Zac also declared on Twitter that if he won, he’d accept the award shirtless – because to Zac Efron, Best Shirtless Performance is the closest he’s ever coming to an Oscar.

Zac has a packed 2014 of starring shirtless in movies in a sure sign that yes, yes he has resigned himself to being a perfunctory actor who’s entire career will be based on his good looks and technically ‘hot bod’, and hey – his shirtless appearance at the MTV awards at least made everyone forget he essentially is up to some real shady shit.

Let us not forget the true #1 star Jennifer

Let us not forget the true #1 star Jennifer

So whilst we are all salivating over every fart, fall and queef Jennifer Lawrence shares with us because she’s just like us (Okay I do love J.Law so I’m falling for that shit too) I would like to remind the general public that a Jennifer is not just for Christmas, she’s for life.

Unfortunately this means we can’t put J.Lo out to pasture, but fortunately it means every few months we get Jennifer Garner releasing a middling ass movie made largely because she’s Jennifer Garner, and despite the fact that the best work she did ended a little under a decade ago now – she’s still Jennifer Garner, charming, beautiful, incandescent Jennifer Garner.

Jennifer Garner was on Jimmy Fallon right now promoting a movie or something and she must have literally just had some Affleck dick before she went on-air as she was super extra perky and charming. In-front of a TV somewhere, Jennifer Esposito, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Connelly are eating ice-cream watching this interview and planning to Craft all the A-List Jennifers. Obviously Love-Hewitt would be the scary lesbian one.

Seriously though, Jennifer should just not even bother with movies any more and just go on talk shows to talk. That’s pretty much what she gets employed for at this stage right? Since shes usually a supporting cast member with nothing to do. Like how many movies have a I seen with Jennifer Garner now where I’ve thought the following

A. This role is not right for her.

B. She is really pretty.

C. She’s the best thing about this movie, and all she’s done is smile and cry three times, I don’t actually think she’s had a line yet.

D. I wish Alias was still on.

This French Bulldog is more like me than it knows.

This French bulldog being put to bed is totally like me being asked to go on a night out to Soho. At first it’s like NOOOOOOOOO I DONT WANT TO. But after gentle coaxing its like…..Oh, ok then….only because you’re so fuckin persistent. Then once its out there, it gets all sleepy and drifts off in a drunken stupor in about 4 seconds flat.

Exactly. Like. Me.

 

Amanda Bynes’ mum says she’s not mentally ill.

Amanda Bynes’ mum says she’s not mentally ill.

Amanda Bynes is off her meds and it’s down to her mother who thinks she’s not suffering from Schizophrenia, according to new reports.

Apparently, Amanda’s mother released a statement on her behalf. Lynn Bynes told E!

‘Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever. She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar.’

Lynn added that Amanda ‘is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana’.

On the same day, Amanda’s lawyer Tamar Arminak also told People ’Amanda does not have schizophrenia.’ and later revealed she is not on any medication for mental illness.

Except TMZ is claiming that they have rock-solid proof from medical facilities that Amanda is definitely suffering from schizophrenia amongst other mental conditions, and a pretty serious case of it too. Since TMZ are the scum mafia of the world, I sort of believe them.

My take on this mess is that if Lynn is blaming this shit on weed then Amanda must have had the craziest weed from Mariah Carey’s Butterfly Kingdom of all. The dark weed that is not available unless you save the Butterfly Crystal. I have smoked some wild weed and never started calling Drake names on twitter. Largely because I forget Drake is alive a lot though.

Either way I hope Amanda is receiving the proper medical care for her condition, whatever it is/was/isn’t.

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