Paris Hilton forgot a $350k ring because she was sleepy

Paris Hilton forgot a $350k ring because she was sleepy

I Know, I know what you are thinking. A Paris Hilton headline, what 2007 nightmare did i wake up in?Well humour me, because i need a fucking break from the Kardashians. The original Kardashian Kreator will have to do.

The news that TMZ reports is that whilst Paris was leaving Poland to head back to Ibiza, which is the only country that will legally provide an STD with an official visa, she sort of lost her $350,000 ring in an airport shuttle bus.

Paris only discovered the loss later and claimed it was because she was, and I quote:

‘feeling exhausted after a whirlwind day trip to Poland, and had performed in Ibiza the previous evening.’ 

Now bitch has a few questions to answer for me here.

A. Under which circumstance is anyone so exhausted that they aren’t holding a $350k piece of jewellery to their chest bone like it’s Michael Fassbender’s precious peen? I could have walked across a fucking desert for four days and I’d still be smacking off imaginary vultures from my $350k fucking ring. I could have sat and watched eight days of Real Housewives fighting and i’d STILL BE ALERT ENOUGH TO LOCATE MY $350K RING IMMEDIATELY. Is Paris Hilton so rich that she forgets she has a ring that could solve debt problems for entire towns on her finger sometimes?

B. How “whirlwind” can a day in Paris Hilton’s 2015 existence really be? Apparently Paris was in Poland for Eastern European Fashion Week, which sort of makes sense.

C. Paris was “performing” in Ibiza, which means that she’s a stripper now, right? I guess she could be a door greeting person at a really nasty club.

Either way, Parasite needn’t cry tears of blood diamonds tonight as TMZ says that a dumb-ass fireman found Paris’ ring on the airport shuttle bus and has reached out to return it.

THAT STUPID TRICK. Doesn’t he know Paris Hilton will grab that ring out of his soft, tender hands and then soil his palm with nothing more than her used chewing gum and the line “I guess you can sell that on ebay or whatever?”.

If he’d known the right trick way, he’d be sashaying out to the gay clubs and flashing his expensive new jewel until he attracts a gay Polish Richard Burton to shower him with more jewels. Polish firemen, honestly….

Song of the Month: Willows by Vanessa Carlton

Song of the Month: Willows by Vanessa Carlton

Because Vanessa Carlton isn’t just a fun reference to White Chicks, we bring you Willows –  the first proper single from her upcoming LP which hits later in October.

Vanessa Carlton liberman

The album is called Liberman and it’s essentially a reflection that Vanessa Carlton has fully transitioned into a legitimately ‘serious artist’, a term which effectively means that music snobs acknowledge her existence now.

In all fairness to her, Carlton has always been vastly under-rated at each stage of her career, struggling against the small (but problematic) public perception-issue of the monster hit which started it all. But unlike her peers from the era of her meteoric rise, she’s successfully carved out a reputation as a risk-taker and experimenter on the fringes.

Willows is a sweeping, stripped down track accompanied by an earthy lyric video that pretty much seals the deal on ethos she’s going for an as artist – authentic, handcrafted, dreamy.

Liberman is shaping up to be one of the year’s best albums already, given the exceptional and consistently increasing quality of her previous efforts (let’s turn a blind eye to this though).   Her last LP, Rabbits on the Run was a startling – and necessary – change of tempo and aural language for Carlton, who’s voice has matured along with her soundscape.

She’s already released an EP with live versions of some of the tracks from the upcoming record including “Nothing where Something Used to Be” – a song so emotionally hefty it bloody deserves to become a huge breakup classic in the future. Be warned: those going through a rough breakup may wanna not click play.

Liberman is available in the US and Canada on the 23rd of October, but there’s no official word on international release at this stage. Carlton seems pretty happy grooving in indie status these days, and who can blame her – with this kind of creative freedom, we’d be happy too.

Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Remember the last time Kim Kardashian was pregnant and it was the hilarious Kanye-Styled media gift that just kept giving?

Well shit has not changed. Kim is well into her second pregnancy, because everyone deserves a second chance to bring around the apocalypse if you fail first time round.

Attending Khloezilla’s boyfriends birthday party on a boat somewhere, Kim had to follow the dress code of “cumstain white” and something tells me Kanye and the fruity onboard servers had a hand in that dresscode…

kim kardashian pregnant

I mean, she looks fucking ridiculous. Being pregnant makes you sort of look hilarious anyway, but Kim K has the absolute talent of taking pregnancy and making it just hysterical.

Only Kim Kardashian would go pregnant onto a BOAT IN FUCKING STIELLTOS. Even disgusting Elder Jenner recognises this bitch is playing and Kanye is also proving to us why he never smiles…because you realise his true age is 94. I live for the fact that Kim gets absolutely huge when she’s pregnant because i have a really fucking sad life and this is all I have to live for now. Fuck you.

2BB69C0200000578-3213379-Fantastic_four_Kanye_and_Kim_were_joined_by_Kim_s_mother_Kris_Je-a-41_1440710217071

Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

In a breakup,  there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners.

The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken.  Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous.

The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway.

And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having also announced their divorce months ago.

I mean sure theres a global financial meltdown underway and you know, the Koreas are dangerously close to launching a global nuke war, but fuck that! Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding band!

What this really means for us all as a public is that we don’t have to ever endure the crushing second-hand embarrassment of seeing Ben Affleck humiliate Jennifer Garner in front of 30 million viewers ever again. Nor do we have to listen to Jennifer Garner act like a super peppy cheerleader for her husband’s career on every talk show under the sun, presumably a distraction method to she gently dance around the fact that she’s pretty much resigned herself to starring as “the supporting mom character” in every movie she’s in now.

Silver linings.

Literally nothing is happening

Literally nothing is happening

So it’s been a long time since we updated LA Deli, and you might think that’s because Perez Hilton broke the site with his general being since he was the last thing we wrote about.

I mean, it’s not like there’s been a shortage of shit going down. Bennifer / true love are over, Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner and, most importantly, internationally renowned music superstar uber-sensation Heidi Montag remains as elusive as she is demure and keeps fans around the world waiting for her hot new beat to drop.

So, there should really be no excuse for me to not pick up and write about something really exciting and interesting, but you’ll be happy to know that Hollywood is quiet and no one is doing anything.

 

This is definitely not my way of secretly shirking out of writing about some Kardashian stories or having to talk about the STILL TOO RAW Bennifer collapse. It’s also not my way of saying that I am too lazy to talk any more about anyone on the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.  Nope. It’s really just an opportunity for me to remind you what classic gems LA Deli’s Youtube channel brought you so that I don’t have to do anything.

Did you know we have nearly a million views on Youtube? If each of those people gave me a handjob i’d have incredibly painful friction burns and probably be in jail. Food for thought.

 

Two genital warts hate each other on Channel 5

Two genital warts hate each other on Channel 5

Separately, the names Perez Hilton and Katie Hopkins are toxic enough to require a hazmat suit, so it’s sort of a no brainer that that the high-brow geniuses at Channel 5 thought that chucking them together into the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother House was all we’ve ever hoped and dreamed of.

Katie, of course, is best known for being the UK’s punishment for allowing The Apprentice to happen. She is the adult female version of a 2002 internet forum. Remember forums? The things once used for something other than increasingly desperate cries for Vodafone technical support?

Celebrity_Big_Brother_2015__Perez_Hilton

Perez on the other hand, is basically the human version of this website. That is if this website simply posted pictures of famous people with Microsoft Paint jizz coming out of their mouths, called everyone cunts, outed a bunch of celebrities, posted a lot of self-promotional news and directed you to merch wishing that mentally ill people would have died instead of troubled movie stars.

Unlike Perez, LA-Deli is (at the very least) dedicated to bringing you hot new music from breakthrough artists like the unforgettable Three Beat Slide.

Basically Perez and Katie are the two proudest people in the world of how inhumanely awful they are and arewalking examples of the liberal abuse of free-speech. Accordingly it makes 100% sense they’d be put together in an awful house on the worst television channel (Yes, worse than that one that only shows dodgy Irish country music) for the viewing pleasure of, I’m sure, the most interesting people at any watercooler.

You’d think that because Perez and Katie are two parts of the horsemen of the apocalypse that they’d get on swimmingly! Festering in their own putrid shit and inhaling the heady depths of each others massively important opinions about everything. But alas, the great ego required to be the most attention-whoring of trolls of the universe has prevented both parties from uniting in an unholy partnership to serve their Kardashian overlord.

Katie and Perez have been at it like two gay weiner dogs since they entered the house, and – in troubling news for Perez – his relentlessly exhausting general existence has played strongly in Katie’s favour.

'Celebrity Big Brother' TV show, Elstree Studios, Hertfordshire, Britain - 20 Jan 2015

When Perez spent the day wandering around in his just his pants (shudder), Katie, being the shrinking violet that she is, remarked that he had more “back fat than a blue whale”. Perez responded expectedly unfavourably –  pushing Katie to counter that he should “man up“.

It was roughly at this stage that Perez dipped into his big bag of fuckery and pulled out the sparkly-ass homophobic card, a move that went down not so well with the other celebs. Those poor, poor nobodies. Vague shells of human beings  at this stage whom, I’d imagine, are asking themselves which basket of adorable kittens they set ablaze to deserve this punishment.

All I can say is BRAVO to Channel 5 for making me remember they are still a network. BRAVO to Jordan for actually making herself appear relevant by surrounding herself with the only human beings in the universe less relevant than she is. And BRAVO to Perez Hilton, for doing the impossible and making Katie Hopkins look positively tolerable next to him. I mean, she’s not tolerable of course, but he’s just the absolute fucking worst.

 

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