Rita Whora and Kim Kardashicant were forced to be near each other

Rita Whora and Kim Kardashicant were forced to be near each other

The backwards version of Madonna’s accent that is Rita Ora and the backwards version of a decent human-being that is Kim Kardashian have had a long and boring history of hating each others asses.  Seriously, these irrelevant trolls have had way too much action from my typing fingers the past few weeks. I honestly couldn’t give a donkeys tit about them, but something tells me I’m alone in that.

Anyway shit hasn’t been so hot between Kim and Rita since that one time that Rita sort of  cheated on Kim’s brother with every dick in showbiz. Kim isn’t happy that Rita not only cheated on her brother (Allllegdly), but, in reality, also made Kim’s slut game look laxxxxxx.

Things came to a head last week when Rita was meant to sit next to Kim at the MTV VMA’s.

When Kim arrived, she told producers that it was nice and only natural of them to think of her when setting up publicity stunts, but that she’d really rather be sitting with the other talentless fame-seeking whores at the back than with the talented fame-seeking whore that is Rita Ora. So MTV obliged and put Kim with her sisters.

Anove: A wax model of a human female.

Above: A wax model of a human female.

 

Now TMZ reports that Rita and Kim miraculously ended up on the same flight out of LA. IMAGINE THAT. The article goes on to suggest that both ladies would likely have been seated in first class…together.

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Well first and foremost I think it’s ambitious to say that Rita Ora is anywhere above business class at this stage. She’s not even top 20 right now?! I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to finally be allowed into first class to see Kim Kardashian’s disgusting ass sitting there whilst she whined in that baby prostitute voice that the champagne was too Italian.

Secondly, I hope that when that plane touched down the CDC were onsite to HAZMAT the shit out of that thing, because the noxious fumes of attention seeking, self-importance, and cherry lube (Kanye was on the plane too) would have definitely made a lot of people very sick.

And finally, IT’S MORE THAN A LITTLE SUSPECT to me that every time  I hear a new story about Rita Ora the name Kim Kardashian also pops up.

Me thinks that Kris Jenner has her Google Alerts set up for “rising star” and the moment she sees a billboard entry she’s dialing up People and TMZ and figuring out ways that a Kardashian name can be inexplicably interwoven into a story.

“Charlie XCX’s new hit Boom Clap is Khloe Kardashian”s new jam!”
“Iggy Azelea allegedly jealous of Kim Kardashian’s Armenian curves!”
“Selena Gomez desperate to look like Kendall Jenner!”
“Ariana Grande’s youthful, gorgeously smooth skin is exactly the same as that of Kris Jenners!”

I see you, Kris. I see you.

Angelina and Brad sold their wedding pictures.

Angelina and Brad sold their wedding pictures.

Remember how I wrote about how Angelina and Brad didn’t bother shilling out their special private moment to magazines for lots and lots of money, because Angelina and Brad are too rich and too in love to use their special relationship for cash and publicity? Well, I lied.

Not only did The Holy Couple cash in on their wedding, but they cashed in so hard that PEOPLE magazine, owned by a $67 billion conglomerate, had to team up with HELLO magazine to afford that shit.

Angelina Jolie Wedding Pictures

Angelina Jolie in a dress created by reader Ella, aged 3.

Angelina wore a dress that looks like what might happen if you left your wedding dress out in a room with fourteen bored children in it. Apparently this dress was designed by Luigi Massi, the master tailor at Versace.

Angelina asked his ass to sew designs from her children’s drawings into the dress and veil. Because this wedding was meant to be a “family affair”. She said

“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.” 

Yeah i get the whole loving your child army thing and everything, but letting your kids etch-a-sketch all over your wedding dress? Only Angie could be  sooo radiant and beeauuuutiful that she thinks she could get away it.  Angie looks washed out as shit with all that colour all over her, she should have worn her dress from Maleficent and Brad could have turned up as the dude who she makes into a raven, because he basically didn’t even need to be there.

I can just about see past the fact that Angelina is wearing the equivalent of those tea-towels you design with your classmates when you turn five so that your mum and only your mum will pay £30 to buy it, but the rest of this dress is a damn mess too! The dress looks like Angelina showed up at your shanky aunts house, lay down on her exquisite Tesco Value sateen sheets, tied them up with some elastic at the top and then walked off. Angelina wants this basic bargain bin looking dress to tell you that she is unbothered by the convention of marriage, despite getting married.

Paul Ross had a gay drug fuelled affair. Blames drugs for the “Gay” part.

Paul Ross had a gay drug fuelled affair. Blames drugs for the “Gay” part.

Paul Ross has revealed to The Sun (read: The Sun threatened to publish the lover’s tell all so he gave quotes for damage-control)  that he had a six month gay affair behind his wife’s back  (GASP) and they did drugs (GASSP) and he was addicted (GASP!) oh and the other person was a dude (!!!!!!!)

Incase you’re wondering who the fuck Paul Ross is, he’s Jonathan Ross’ brother who basically shills himself out to any fronting UK tv quiz shows. He’s become kind of part of the tapestry of the UK tv business, like a second rate cousin of Richard & Judy.

Paul has been married to wife Jackie for ten years and has five kids. He said he initially went online to look for sex because he was stressed out financially. Which makes total sense. But LiLo level delusion and lies doesn’t stop here.

Paul met up with Barry Oliver, a former English teacher, at a local dogging spot. Somehow we’ve jumped from “being stressed out and going online to look for sex” to “meeting a male man to have sex with in a dogging spot”. It was obviously love at first fumble in the bushes, because this is when Paul decided to meet up with Barry regularly for sexytimes.

It was also Barry who introduced Paul’s precious naive self to Mephedrone or Meow Meow. To say that Paul was into Meow Meow would be an understatement. That bitch snorted Meow Meow from every fucking surface up to six times a day. If Paul saw a horizontal plane he’d look at it and think “that’d look better with meow meow being snorted off of it”. At his drug addiction peak, Paul even snorted it from Barry’s face.

He said

 ‘I was on telly in the Eighties and drugs were all around and I never tried them. Anyway, so I tried this stuff and then we had sex and it was just incredibly intense. It was all about the drugs.’

Right. Again not really hearing all that much about the whole “Oh by the way I had sex with a man behind my wifes back” part of it. But sure.

His wife became suspicious when Paul would return home with his eyes lolling around his head and a leeeetle bit of semen on his chin. No im kidding, but she did become suspicious though, because Paul’s ass was out getting pounded at night, so she did what any loving wife would – she tracked him using the Find My Iphone App.

That pesky Find my iPhone app is ruining all kinds of lives this week! First Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver, now Paul Ross’ secret life as a homosexualist!

It didn’t take Jackie long to figure out that Paul wasn’t down at waitrose for four hours every night and thats when shit ended, so say they. Jackie served up high levels of delusion when she downplayed the whole “My husband could well be gay” part of things by saying

‘I know 90 per cent of Paul is a good man. He’s a good dad. I feel the sex was part of the mephedrone package, I don’t see it as a gay relationship, I see it as part of the drugs.’

Translation: Paul Ross is broke, bitch and Jackie aint getting shit if she divorces him now!  I guess Jackie must have missed the whole part where Paul only started taking drugs when he was at his male lover’s apartment.

The BBC have currently given Paul “some time off” to deal with his “personal issues”. But thankfully for Paul Lindsay Lohan is currently hard at work writing a welcome letter to the thick-as-thieves club of public tomfoolery. She’s sending  the induction pack, where the first chapter discusses how best to lie to the public about being in one place, even if you’re clearly photographed being in another.  These are skills Paul might find useful.

Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

I have still to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but if the word of mouth is to be believed then my life will never be the same and I should cut off my testicles now because not even sex will compare to the awesomeness of this movie.

As such it has now become the top-grossing movie of the year in America, beating out “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”  and it’s a dead-cert to cross $300 Million all in.

Worldwide however, Guardians has some work to do. The superhero romp trails the billion-dollar grossing Transformers: Age of Extinction as well as Maleficent, X-Men, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and How to Train your Dragon 2.

MALEFICENT

I have to give a slow hand clap to Disney and St Angie this year. Not only are Disney literally vomiting up Marvel money to then eat it up and shit it back out, but with the addition of Frozen’s international rollout and the huge overperformance of Maleficent as the second biggest film of the year worldwide, the Disney shareholders will be fapping into Maleficent branded cups as the tweak their icy money nipples.

Another overperforming story at this years box-office is one which only genius and visionary Megan Fox foresaw, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not only opened well, but has actually developed impressive box office stamina as it lurches towards $200 Million. Disgustingly.

Finally this weekend its worth mentioning that The Hundred Foot Journey has already passed a 4.0x multiplier after a month of release. This pic will definitely close north of $50 Million now as we predicted. I like saying “as we predicted” because not only do I get to be smug about being right, but I also get to pretend theres more than one of me, as If i had a conference about this shit. A conference with the drunk, slurry vision of me in the mirror, maybe.

Full chart after the jump

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The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

Any cat owner will know that whilst cats are definitely Satan and also can poop smells that you didn’t know were possible to exist without the accompanying sight of 1000 corpses, they make great occasional lap cosies and also can be quite entertaining if you strike the right balance of “play”. ( and by that I mean the balance where you don’t end up with the arms of a Hot Topic store manager.)

No one knows this better than Florida fugitive Daniel Pinedo Velapatino. Whilst Daniel was running from the cops after smashing up a whole bunch of cars, he decided to stop by Candace Noonan’s house and play with her cats.  Because nothing is more soothing when you are being chased by armed law enforcers for a crime than stroking a little kitten behind the ears. Oh and since he technically didn’t know Candace Noonan,  he technically kind of just let himself in and got on her floor and played with her cats. 

Candace said she started to put two and two together regarding the complete stranger who’d entered her home and was now playing with her cats on her kitchen floor only when she started to see cop cars outside.

She later added that it was only when she was being interviewed by police she realized that actually letting a stranger into your house to play with your cats isn’t always a smart idea.

Well, her name is Candace.

 

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