Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj did a song together.

So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess.

So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to.


Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea.

I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx.

Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which celebrities are currently lying to you like you’re a fucking half-wit, because it increases your ability to know useless fucking shit by 40% and you can make a pie chart about that for your next powerpoint presentation.


Britney Spears’ face looks different.

Britney Spears’ face looks different.

So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows.

Britney Lingerie Line

Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look  kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear.

Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”.

What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling  bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing  either.

And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.



Hilary Duff is back with new music.

Hilary Duff is back with new music.

Remember Hilary Duff? I remember photoshopping Hilary Duff’s giant horse teefs onto a can of horse beans and animating it’s arms all in the name of HIGH HUMOUR for this website before. This fact reminds me how many hours of perfectly usable life I have wasted on entirely useless celebrities, and it feels great you guys.

Anywayyyy Hilary Duff is back from the grave of irrelevance (other residents: Jewel, Melissa Joan-Hart, Tia and Tamara) in order to give the public what we’ve all been waiting for, new music!

Of course, by “the public” I mean four very specific gay men who live in Ohio. Those four husky twinks are wearing their Metamorphosis Album tank tops tonight in celebration of the return of true pop diva/legend/person who can almost sing Hilary Duff.

Hilary has released her new summer jam “Chasing the Sun”  (Listen Here) which, if you don’t want to fall into a coma, sounds- and I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – like a shittier, less fun version of “Stars are Blind” by Parasite Hilton.

Yup, definitely going to hell now.

I just don’t understand why Hilary couldn’t come up with writing something more personal than this shitty Colbie Callait phone in. For example a song about Carrots and Sugarcubes. Carrots&Cubes could have been the hottest summer jam of the year.

Hilary Duff Horse Teeth from Gallery of the Absurd

I’m not going to lie. My life got a little less rich when Hilary Duff sawed her teeth back down to human size.




Lose your shit over this today.

Because Mondays are THE WORST, Lionsgate have released the new trailer to The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part One  also known as THE GREATEST BLOCKBUSTAH OF ALL TIIIME.

Seriously, Lionsgate know that the world is basically turning World War Z on each other in order to see this fucking movie. Opening night for this mess is going to be a massacre of TEAM PEETA and TEAM GALE tag fucking each other to get a $50 I-MAX ticket.

*Gently pats Team Gale T-shirt* soon, my love, soon.

Scarlett Johansson is the new box office queen.

Scarlett Johansson is the new box office queen.

Did you know Scarlett Johansson is getting paid up to $20 Million per movie right now?  Hollywood have decided no other doe-eyed woman can emote slutty and vacuous all at once like Scarlett Johansson.

And Scarlett Johansson may have just proved those sleazy old fucks right, because this weekend her starring role in Lucy has laid waste to Dwayne Johnson’s Hercules and will be the #1 film of the weekend.

Lucy is on track to gross up to $44 Million this weekend though shitteous exit polling suggests it’s going to drop like a rock. But the fact that Scarlett Johansson just opened a movie over $20 Million, never mind $40 Million is surprising.

I’d always pictured her as kind of a perfuctionary secondary character. Girlfriend, crew member, background noise. I guess I’m alone there. She’s playing in the Bullock/Jolie league of openings now. Lucy only cost $40 Million, so that shit is going to be hella profitable. Should be noted women have had a pretty phenomenal year at the box office, and a good decade on the whole. Maybe Hollywood is finally, finally paying attention.

And So It Goes flopped hard this weekend grossing no more than $4.5 million. That movie that always looked like a steaming shit version of “Something’s Gotta Give” and I’m not sure how many more times Diane Keaton can act like Meryl Streep on crack before someone punches her in the neck. Calm down, Diane.

Elsewhere, that Purge sequel keeps doing better than anyone expected despite a horrific second weekend drop-off, and Tammy looks to be closing in on around $90 Million for it’s final total.


1). Lucy (UNI), 3,173 theaters / $15.4M to $17M Fri. / Total est. cume: $42.8M to $44.5M / Wk 1

2). Hercules (MGM/PAR), 3,595 theaters / $11M Fri. / Total est. cume: $28.3M to $30M+ / Wk 1

3). Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (FOX), 3,668 theaters (-301) / $4.75 Fri. / 3-day cume: $16M to $17M+ (-55%) / Total cume: $173M / Wk 3

4). The Purge: Anarchy (UNI), 2,856 theaters (+50) / $3.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $10.3M (-65%) / Total cume: $51.9M / Wk 2

5). Planes: Fire & Rescue (DIS), 3,839 theaters (+13) / $2.5M Fri. / 3-day cume: $8.2M to $9M (-51%) / Total cume: $35.5M / Wk 2

6). Sex Tape (SONY), 3,062 theaters (0) / $1.98M / 3-day cume: $5.8M (-60%) / Total cume: $26.8M / Wk 2

7). Transformers: Age Of Extinction (PAR), 2,476 theaters (-748) / $1.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $4.8M (-51%) / Total cume: $236.6M / Wk 5

8). And So It Goes (CLARIUS), 1,762 theaters / $1.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $4M+ / Wk 1

9). Tammy (WB), 2,562 theaters (-840) / $1M Fri. / 3-day cume: $3.4M (-54%) / Total cume: $78.2M / Wk 4

10). 22 Jump Street (SONY), 1,613 theaters (-616) / $767K Fri. / 3-day cume: $2.59M (-45%) / Total cume: $185.7M / Wk 7

Tori Spelling’s cannonball titties are here to say hello.

Tori Spelling’s cannonball titties are here to say hello.

Tori Spelling took a break from her busy career of pretending to be upset at her husband for sticking his peen in a non Preying Mantis vagina yesterday, in order to take her kids to the beach.


Tori is at this stage basically as big as Britney and Brangelina combined, so it made total sense that the paparazzi would be following this international A+++ lister to the beach to sneak pictures of her and her family sharing private moments.

Since no Tori Spelling outing would be complete without something a little terrifying for the eyeballs, Tori covered up most of her face with sunglasses but made sure that the world was able to see her giant  cannonball titties.


As with all celebrity beach pictures, Tori and her family did a lot of fuck all other than splash around and pretend to not know the cameras were there. Dean was there too but was busy surfing. And by surfing I mean looking for any other poon to hit than his wife’s. You have to feel a little bit sorry for Tori Spelling and her general life, but as long as you do it from a safe distance as when she readies her legs she can jump anywhere from 40-45 feet according to Encyclopedia Britannica.


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