Behold the glittering Belle of the McDonalds Wedding

April 17, 2014 in Random Leave a comment

I know Kim Kardashicant and Gay Fish are sitting weeping today, because they know that their wedding event of the millennium has just been OUTDID.

Behold, the glittering west-country belle from the wedding of the CENTURY Emily Asher and her dashing debonair husband Steven.

Emily and Steven presumably turned down deals from Vogue and Marie Claire to cover their wedding to instead talk to Mirror.co.uk about their exquisite nuptials which ended in a gorgeous reception in the most esteemed restaurant in all of Cribbs Causeway Retail Park where guests ate such varied meals as the Chicken Royale and the Big Mac.

Proving that money truly is no object when it comes to bringing joy and unfiltered elegance to any occasion, the reception cost the couple just £150.00 and will without a doubt be 1000% more delicious that the Fois Gras shit that Kimye will serve at their wedding.

Steven proposed after a ‘string of burger-based dates’ which sounds to me like every other Casanova in the world can GO HOME now because no one will beat this god amongst romantics. I remember I went to a McDonalds for a date once. And by that I mean some tall Swedish guy picked me up in his car at 1am in my pajamas, told me he’d show me how to drive his car, and then screamed at me for doing everything wrong as I basically smashed his vehicle into anything stationery in a McDonalds car park for 20 minutes.

Who says that McDonalds isn’t the start of something beautiful?

Bryan Singer accused of sexual abuse

Posted by: Deli Llama

April 17, 2014 in Celebrities, Movies Leave a comment

So in ‘News I’d rather avoid with a ten foot barge pole so I’m going to leave it to someone else’ news, Hollywood director and mogul Bryan Singer has been accused of raping and sexually abusing a then-minor as part of a Hollywood drug and sex ring run by a convicted paedophile according to the Hollywood Reporter.

The man could be innocent. The man could be guilty.

Ultimately, the grand jury of blogs will decide, but this one in particular will not get involved with that mess until substantial damning evidence to support either side comes out.

These legal cases are so fucking messy. On one hand you could have Singer levying his power and pointing the finger of fame-whore at the accuser either because its either true or because it’s his best and only defence, which is kind of exactly what is happening right now, and on the other hand you have Michael F. Egan , a man of no notable name trying to leverage publicity either for personal gain or to utilize so his case is heard against a Hollywood titan, which is also exactly what is happening right now. What the truth is? That’s anyone’s guess.

Michael F. Egan III

What is clear though is that timing is suspiciously close to a new major movie release from Singer, though what is also clear is that as early as 2007 Radar Online documented Bryan Singer’s close ties with the head of the paedophile ring in question - Marc Collins-Rector, with many details of what happened in the Collins-Rector case mirroring the accusations now being levied against Singer.

Easy enough to formulate a fake case if you’ve read the Radar article, but also easy enough to be one of the victims of Collins Rector and now have trouble having the world believe you because your up against a well-loved director. It perhaps isn’t working in Singer’s favour that whisperings of his preference for the younger side of the scale have been circulating online for some time.

So that’s probably all we’re going to say on that one.

Michael appears to have had a small role in one episode of an online web series, which is pretty fucking terrible.

Kurt Coleman is PERFECT and you could never.

Posted by: Deli Llama

April 16, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment

Kurt Coleman is PERFECT and you could never.

When someone calls themselves the “Paris Hilton Of…” anything you know that this person by all reasonable means should either be euthanized or placed in the Brit Brit Mental Hold in a high security hospital as they are a danger to society, to their friends, to their families – and most importantly, to their lovers.

Meet Kurt Coleman. He describes himself as “The Paris Hilton of Australia” which would mean that Australia just got a lot more crabs on its beaches.

LA Deli reader Suzanne recently brought to my attention Buzzfeed’s post which brought to her attention Kurt Coleman’s instagram which brings to everyone’s attention that Kurt Coleman is drinking the Anna Wintour Delusional Kool-Aid because Kurt thinks hes PERFECT and the rest of the world is jealous of his glamour and beauty.

Kurt not only thinks he’s perfect. He thinks he’s amazing. Like a higher being in life, or actress Bai Ling.

Kurt has over 170,000 followers on Facebook, but Kendall Jenner has over 6 Million likes on Facebook so at this stage i think If I made a page for a floppy used dildo it’d get a couple of million likes.

Kurt also likes spray tans, which is not initially obvious.

He’s also a total genius and understands that we are, essentially, aliens.

Let’s face it, Paris Hilton is a total basic bitch compared to Kurt.

Kurt Coleman ladies and gentleman, the end of society as we know it.

Thanks to Suzanne for the tip off, Buzzfeed for doing my job for me, and Kurt Coleman – because it’s been a slow news week.

CNN keeps the cultural sensitivity

Posted by: Deli Llama

April 16, 2014 in Politics, Random Leave a comment

You might be wondering if anyone ever watches CNN outside of the constraints of a hotel room where its either that or some angry French people shouting at each other on TV5.

Apparently, some people still do – because CNN is under fire for it’s culturally super sensitive and definitely respectful coverage of Wills & Kates’ meeting with Maori warriors.

CNN called the visit “The Royal Bummer” in reference to the traditional garb of the warriors who met Kate and Wills and then claimed that the “only one bumming” was the warrior with “his decorated buns exposed…is that any way to welcome a future king or queen?“. CNN went on to heckle Moari warriors for dancing like some sort of mentally ill emu-birds and finished the report by praising white leaders who “Go native”.

Really the highlight of the video has to be the editorializing of Jeannie Moos, the reporter behind it, who occasionally edits herself in as rubbing her nose against a camera lense before appearing later to quote a “perfect” Daily Mail headline. Jeannie Moos is drinking some crack which takes her to a world where such a thing exists.

She signs off the report “Genie Mos, CNN, NEWWWW YORK!” so she’s basically the Hyacinth Bucket of cable news.

Damn Photoshop, You Scary!

Posted by: Deli Llama

April 16, 2014 in Celebrities, Fashion Leave a comment

So Lady Gaga apparently is starring in a bunch of ads for Versace. I am really not all that interested in that, and part of that could be due to the sleep sedative I took 20 minutes ago kicking in, so stick with me and let’s see if we get through this together.

Gaga’s ads have been recently released, and now we are able to see the un-retouched shots from the shoot it’s become pretty apparent that China’s entire labour force were trained on Adobe Creative Cloud for this editorial. So much Photoshop was used on these Gaga pictures that Mariah Carey stopped for a second and could detect a shift in the force.

Jezebel highlighted the pictures which show Gaga looking like The Ghost of Chlorine Past who was shoved in some Versace trash-ass hooker dress to give her pancake titties, put in a gigantic wig and sent to some jonky lounge with a 14 year old who’s learning how to work a DSLR. Somehow these images through the WONDERS OF PHOTOSHOP go from this…

to this…

Like what I want to know about this shit is if you are going to have your model looking like she’s got more makeup on than Christina Aguilera has when she goes to bed at night, then what the hell is the point of not having them made up in the first place? Like, did they just tell Gaga – we want you to be a blank canvas we will paint upon like with clown makeup?

OMG YAASSS: The Naked Wine Thief

Posted by: Deli Llama

April 15, 2014 in Random Leave a comment

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the iconic diety-woman who must have been my mother in another life named Desiree Taylor. Desiree might not be a name you know right now, but you should, because she excelled at all areas of LIVING LIFFFEEEEEE when she entered a supermarket and stole two boxes of wine without any underwear on.

Desiree clearly Desiree-d a box of wine or two but obviously didn’t have any cash in her pockets to pay for it at the unless you count her meat wallet – so don’t hate on her! What was she supposed to do, go all the way back to Bai Ling house party for appropriate dressers to get some trousers? Bitch no! Desiree obviously wanted to get some 2pm Tuesday sun around her clam and figured as she was walking around the only thing that could make this perfect, breezy afternoon better would be a sophisticated glass of wine poured from a box.

Desiree aka your new fave was previously arrested long enough to give this glorious headshot and is still a DIVA-AT-LARGE and on a serious note could be dangerous if she mixed red with white. Desiree apparently has already been arrested for some other crimes, another example of how our society wont let people just be great.