Read: Mariah Carey is the QUEEN OF CHRISTMAS

Kelly Clarkson is getting a little hopped up right now , what with her Christmas album selling more copies than Brit Brit’s new cd in it’s sixth week, and so the Butterfly Empress of Christmas herself flew down from her spanx bound castle up in the winter sky on a unicorn to grace Tamron from The Today Show with her heavenly yuletide presence.

NBC and a crew of about 40 lighting engineers rocked up to Mimi’s palace to promote….ehrm….I dont know, Mimi - at Christmas? 

Mimi talked about how she’s constantly been downplaying her injury to her arm like the humble angel she is.

Mariah then went on to talk over Tamron throughout the entire interview and almost fall out of her negligee. Yes, that’s right, Mariah made NBC come to her house, and emerged in full makeup, and her negligee…..

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Brit Brit is going to have to downgrade from a Family Bucket.

Britney Spears is an icon and legend. She is also a lazy bitch!

After Brit Brit put in about as much effort to promoting her new cd as she did dancing on her last tour,  that shit has sort of-flopped-by-britney-standards with a #4 Billboard start with 107,000 copies sold - both a career low for Brit and a reflection that you could literally produce a better album at home with your first Xylophone.

Brit Brit is now one step closer to becoming head manager at KFC at finally living up her rampant fantasies to bathe in chicken and frapuccinos.

Amidst the furore of fans, who blame everyone from executive robot engineer Will.I.Cant to her puppetmasters management to some old tramp on the street for Britney’s little stroll into flops-ville, Brit managed to flop twice as hard by releasing a heavily label edited version of her new music video “Perfume” which is about as exciting to watch as having a danger wank in your locked bathroom at home.

So the song doesn’t suck, and is one of the few highlights from this album which plays like Will.I.Ams experiment in how much he can punish us before Jessie J personally punches him in the mouth on The Voice - but the video? Yeah, 

The director of the video claims that the original cut was way better.

It’s amazing that Brit is so deep into a box of dunkin donuts right now that she probably has no idea this video was released. She probably didn’t even know she filmed a video. Or released an album. She’ll only realize she’s doing a Vegas show half way through the sixth month. Le sigh.

Miley Cyrus makes wrecking balls slutty.

Miley Cyrus' new single “Wrecking Ball” is a throbbing power ballad about a broken hearted girl who didn't see a destructive love coming to ruin her heart. 

Accordingly, Miley Cyrus filmed a music video with her licking a sledgehammer and riding a giant wrecking ball like a hooker in a really upsetting Daytona strip club. 

Watch Miley look like a really close up Jar Jar Binks and then make a damn fool of herself and create a 10 year legacy of parents associations accusing Wrecking Balls of being complicit in tramping up a generation.

Noah & Allie hated each other on the Notebook set.

Rachel McAdams is giving interviews because she’s got a new movie coming out and girl gotta hollah for a dollah child.

Rachel followed the typical tried and tested PR approved answers of interviews including saying shit like “I never wanted to be a movie star.”  as if getting into film acting is some happy accident and that the people in pursuit of the career are vapid and hollow, not like REAL movie stars.

Rachel went on to tick the box of insisting she’s like, really talented you guys, and can play a bad bitch too and cited Regina George to remind you she was in Mean Girls, thankyouverymuch.

Then just before you were about to order a box of YAWNS from your local chinese to finish reading her interview, she whacked out this bad boy

She has no qualms about bursting a few bubbles when it comes to the mechanics of her famous celluloid romances. In The Notebook, it turns out, she wasn’t exactly enamoured of her on-camera lover, Ryan Gosling.

“We weren’t throwing Ming vases at each other, so it wasn’t loathing, but our relationship was not what you saw on the screen,” she says, carefully. “I would say that we were both, well, professional.”

She admits that she was more surprised than anyone when she eventually started dating Gosling, two years after the film was made. “It certainly wasn’t something that either of us had expected would come out of that filmmaking experience,” she says, giggling.

“Which goes to show you that you can engineer chemistry on screen just by telling the audience that these two people love each other. And, unless your actors are doing a really terrible job, I think people will want to see that. As an actor you don’t have to feel it. You don’t have to feel anything. Just imagine it.

So aside from Rachel McAdams teaching you how to act in the direct opposite way that Meryl Streep teaches you how to act (Who’s to say who’s right here?!) she also has burst a thousand date night dreamssssss by telling us that off camera, Noah and Allie had about as much feeling for each other as I do for chiffon. (Read: NONE).

Rachel is obviously blind if she had anything other than the deep desire to bone when working on a movie with Ryan Gosling, but thats okay, because blind bitches deserve love too.

It’s kind of bold of Rachel to go right out there and say this shit, because you know, that Ryan Gosling rocketship is way up there right now, its like Chris Nolan territory up there. 

Mario Falcone is redefining shameless in the CBB House

So this week in the UK the amazing television event (not really) that will have the nation at the edge of their seats (aka in the toilet not watching it) and will surely break ratings records for Channel 5 (read: 400 people) had its launch, that’s right, Celebrity Big Brother is back, and to fill in the pus filled hole left by dearly departed Speidi the CBB producers did not disappoint.

Gorgeous and stunningly demure Hollywood prostitute starlet Courtney Stodden stole the show when she entered looking like a tanned  twiglet fighting with two grapes.

Above: I’m not paying you Getty.

But though many had expected Courtney would immediately get her passport stamped with all the British adjectives for “shameless” it was actually former TOWIE star/thing/man Mario Falcone who’s beat her to the punch.

According to the DailyMail, Mario told fellow CBB Housemate and generally insufferable wench Carol McGiffin that he’d be well up for it if she, you know, wanted to dump her current fiancee whos still a solid 20 years younger than her.

Carol, who basically gets drunk at the drop of a quick sneeze, was hammered when Mario started skeezing on her.

He told Big Brother: ‘She has got amazing legs for an older woman. Amazing. Her legs are the ideal legs on a woman.

'It is weird for me. When I am out with my friends they are all boys… Carol is completely different age from me, she has come in tonight and got proper p***ed.

'She is engaged to a 31 year old which means I am 6 years out. If her engagement doesn’t work out.

'Carol I am single and I am a changed man. I could prove I'm not a loverat and be with a mature woman and put me in my place.

'There has been a few moments tonight where something could have happened but she is an engaged woman.'

So lets just clarify shall we.

Carol McGiffin, 53 year old C-lister with continued national platform for bored housewives who read tabloids.

Mario Falcone, 25 year old Z-lister on rapidly expiring reality show for those who read tabloids.

Poor old Carol is probably too drunk to realize that Mario Falcone sees this when he looks at her. Bets please on how long it takes Carol to fuck up her engagement with Mario in the hot-tub and we start seeing Heat magazine covers with the pair of them holding hands outside Argos.

Nicole Kidman lies to tabloids.

Nicole Kidman has a new movie coming out soon so expect to see this slab of ice on the front of every magazine for at least two months before you ask yourself “When was the last time I actually saw a Nicole Kidman movie" and realize it was in 2001 and you only liked it because Kylie Minogue was a fairy in it.

Anyway in an interview with Aussie paper The Border Mail, Kidman totally forgot that she wasn’t giving an interview to a deaf and blind doormouse, but rather to the general public, because Nicole served a lie pie with a side of BITCH PLEASE.

Nicole farted about how much happier she is tussling her hands through Keith Urban’s hair than wearing flats for Tommy Girl, Nicole went on to vadge-blow some bullshit about how she’s living a balance of her fantasy life (READ: MOVIE STAR) and real life now, whereas before it was all fantasy life (READ: BEARDING MOVIE STAR). No lies there, but this shit is what will have you rolling your eyes harder than me in a Tesco line when an able bodied mother of four starts counting her coupons.

"I Smile now!" she added.

BWAHAHA. NICOLE KIDMAN. SMILING.

That bitch hasn’t been able to smile since 2004. Nicole Kidman traded her smile to the anti-ageing gods for sausage lips and a frozen forehead, and im not sure what the hell this is supposed to be - but if she thinks this shit is smiling then girl has some serious issues.

BREAKING: Snorlax enters rehab, admits problem.

In a LA-DELI WORLD EXCLUSIVE, Snorlax of the smash hit television series and video game saga Pokemon has reportedly entered the Betty Ford clinic for substance and food addiction.

Snorlax has been troubling close friends for years with erratic eating behaviour and passing out in public places. Initially put down to the strains of life as a celebrity, close friends say there are darker reasons behind the collapses.

"Snorlax has been abusing Xanax and Ambien for years. He also is a huge stoner and eats huge amounts before mixing it with copious amounts of Xanax and Ambien. He just couldn’t handle the fame and developed massive anxiety about his size getting in the way for some reason."

Snorlax has had a rough year after splitting from JigglyPuff who was said to have exacerbated his sleeping issues and he called in March’s Interview Magazine “A fucking slut”. He accused JigglyPuff, also known as JP in the Hip Hop community of “sucking every producers dick in the game” for a track after JP’s career took a nosedive after a cocaine scandal hit the tabloids.

Above: Jigglypuff’s indiscretions hit headlines this year.

Snorlax first hit fame with Pokemon, but in recent years has been trying to carve out his own career as a film actor and general fat bastard. His VH1 Reality Show “Snorlaxing Relaxing and Maxing all Cool” was cancelled after low ratings, and public interest in him had dipped after his latest film flopped at the box office.

Snorlax’s camp were contacted for comment on this article, but at the time of writing had not replied to our request.