I’M NOT GAY NO MORE!

I think Andrew Caldwell is a little confused about what being gay actually entails, but being hetrosexual has clearly given him a case of the EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSES because when he talks about women he sounds like he’s halfway between throwing up in his mouth and having a demon crawl out of him whole to consume the audience.

Also Andrew Caldwell can tell us he’s straight all he damn well wants, but that bow tie, handkerchief and jacket are definitely 100% straight up homosexual. They deserve to be sashaying around Hollywood on 80% out celeb John Travolta – not on this gay hater!

Presenting: The sliding King Charles spaniel in the “Age of Adaline” trailer

Presenting: The sliding King Charles spaniel in the “Age of Adaline” trailer

Blake Lively jumped on the right dicks in Hollywood, that much is true, because Blake was cast in the MUCH COVETED role of Adaline in the movie “Age of Adaline” which was a top secret project for some/whatever reason.

Well it’s not a secret any more because the hos at Lionsgate decided to ship the “Adaline” trailer with “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One – The bit where Katniss sits underground for a lot of the time and looks really sad”  because The Hunger Games 3 is going to sex a lot of eyeballs this weekend.

Blake managed to beat out Katherine Hagel who got fired from this shit so we can at least be thankful that we wont have to watch Hagel massacre another movie.

The trailer features Blake Lively as an ageless beauty (!) who makes hos suspicious because she’s got a broken ageing switch . Blake can NEVER LOVE because everyone around her dies (she’s like the human version of The Ring) and despite Hollywood having basically already done this with The Time Travellers Wife, they are never one to let a relatively blah idea go without giving a good second shake.

The best thing about the Age of Adaline trailer is around 1 Minute 36 when this little bad boy comes along

v9LPOw

YASS! The sliding King Charles Spaniel steals the show! That bitch has better hair than Blake, is more lively than Blake, and moves more convincingly than Blake. That Spaniel is probably giggling in it’s trailer whilst reading Preserve.us and doing blow from the tits of a Poodle. Blake Lively could NEVER and should give up.

Age of Adaline shall henceforth be known as Age of Spanieline.

Bob Geldof is pissed off at Adele, and she doesn’t care.

Bob Geldof is pissed off at Adele, and she doesn’t care.

Bob Geldof is basically the self-styled Ghandi of music and as such he likes to round up famous people sometimes and shame them into a vanity project in which celebrities test the level of their public’s adoration by standing together in a room and singing a really old shit song urging you to give money to poor  and sick people. After this they hop back into their jets, boats and private cars to their next pool party to lie in a bed of blood diamonds and snort coke off the asses of sex-traffic workers from the shittiest parts of Eastern europe.

Bob argues Band Aid is all about the spirit of giving, but everyone else argues that those rich ass hos who sing that mess of a song should be paying from their pockets instead of forcing us to.

One person who might have felt that way is Adele. Adele has basically quit music right now to raise her family, but Bob Geldof and Midge Ure were frothing at the cooch to get Adele on the track because Adele can sell more CDs with a fanny fart than the entirity of One Direction combined. When they called up Adele a hundred million times she was for none of it. Not only did Adele not answer those hos, she’s not even answering her manager right now.

Ursula from Little Mermaid

Adele as drawn by Bob Geldof

Bob Geldof called out Adele for being the Ursula of land and said

Adele is doing nothing, she’s not answering the phone… she’s not writing. She’s not recording. She doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. She won’t pick up the phone to her manager. She’s bringing up a family, you know.”

How dare Bob Geldof call the Queen of CD Sales a lazy bitch!  Every second that Adele is alive she’s verryyyy very slowly squeezing a new CD out of her heehaw and that takes time, effort and energy! Adele has a follow up to “19” and “21” she’s working on called “84, and at this rate probably 90 to be honest” and Bob should respect that birthing the greatest work of art of our time is a full on fucking job.

Of course, Adele’s people did not take kindly to being publicly berated for the whole affair. Her representative peons said that Adele had never ever confirmed this shit and Bob Geldof is a twat for putting her name on the billing just to generate hype and pressure her into doing it, in the same way he did with Foals.

“Bob and the organisers spoke directly with [Adele’s] management but at no point was she confirmed.”

 

The peon went on to say that Adele did what all those other famous hos should really be doing and put her hand in her own pocket filled with millions of pound bills and gave that money directly to a charity helping out in Africa to fight Ebola. Maybe Adele felt a bit ICK NAST at the whole idea of gaining publicity off the back of a good cause, or maybe she just realized she didn’t want to be associated with one of the worst songs of all time that keeps getting trotted out like a bad case of crabs every few years.

Adele = 1.
Room full of fame seeking hos = nill.

Shia LaBeouf is the best song of the year

If you ever sat thinking “I wonder if there is a song that can perfectly capture how uncomfortable the presence of Shia LaBeouf in Hollywood makes me” then think no more, because it turns out Rob Cantor has put on this epic performance bringing the true terror that is Shia LaBeouf into an artform.

The Gay Men’s Choir singing Shia LaBeouf could be the tour that outsells Taylor Swift this year until next year they sing a song about Taylor Swift and how she has a side that scares the living shits out of everyone too.

Here’s Kim Kardashians titties and cooch.

Here’s Kim Kardashians titties and cooch.

So we’ve all seen Kim Kardashian’s naked ass more times that we’ve seen our own asses, that much is true, but Krafty Kim knew this and decided that she’d show us a versatile new side to herself, her naked front!

I say a new side, but I mean a side almost all of us have seen already as well.

If you’d like to see Kim Kardashian’s nude vagina and titties because you either

a. are a disgusting perverted twisted fuck

or

b. have a morbid curiosity and frequent car crashes

then click after the jump… Be prepared for some oily fupa realness

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Kim Kardashian’s naked ass is here to remind you of her roots.

Kim Kardashian’s naked ass is here to remind you of her roots.

What with all the snubbing of lesser celebs, and flaunting her ass around Europe in couture dresses made for smaller women that Kanye told her to wear anyway, it’s easy to forget that Kim Kardashian started out with a terrible sex tape and then formed a solid, multi-million dollar career by taking her clothes off and looking like a ho 24/7.

So thanks to Kim and Paper Magazine for teaming up to produce a December issue that should have a musical accompaniment in the form of “Always Something There to Remind Me” because Kim is always out to remind you why she’s famous – because she’s a fancy porn star!

The first image is an “homage” to a Jean-Paul Goude photo  in which Kim takes an ass prosthetic, shoves it on her already ridiculous behind and then mounts a champagne glass on it. I mean the champagne immediately turns into acid when it comes in contact with Kim’s ass but as long as it’s in the glass it’s safe.

The second image is Kim doing what Kim does best, and by that I mean getting nekkid, oiling her four post-code arse the fuck up, and looking like total trash. One minute shes a fairytale princess and the next minute she’s a broke ass stripper, that Kim, so versatile!

To see the second NSFW full ass cover click the jump.

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