The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a real thing

The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a real thing

In news that might make you feel a little bit gayer for reading it, or SQUEE with joy (depending on how much Liza Minnelli you’ve been exposed to in your lifetime) The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants actresses Amber Tamblyn, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and Blake Lively are all actually in some sort of real life sisterhood.

It’s been almost seven years since the last “Pants” movie was released, and it’s been ten years since the first movie started rolling. Most actors don’t become terribly chummy after working with each other because EGO and DRUGS and SCANDAL, but in some wild fluke these four young actresses made a film and didn’t hate each other’s fucking guts.

So all of the girls turned up to support America Ferrera in her new play and took a selfie for Amber’s twitter. Thankfully Blake Lively didn’t turn up wearing a kaftan made from bespoke hand weaved Indian American textures.

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Like, there’s some sick teenage girl part of me that is totally happy that these hos all like each other.  What is that about?!

I watched those movies and I did not hate them. And by that I mean im playing it cool and I’ve seen them like ten million times.  The girls also did an EW reunion special last year in which they all said mushy, beautiful shit about each other.

There’s allegedly a third movie in pre-production as of April this year, set ten years later for a reunion trip. Is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants going to become the new “Before” series. (Sunset, Sunrise, Midnight) and meet up with these girls every ten years?

I can absolutely see me in my meemaw glasses and with my little zimmerframe shuffling ass out to the cinema to watch these four geriatric hos talk about Golden Girls for an hour when im 80.

Mario Lopez banged Britney Spears

Mario Lopez banged Britney Spears

Because Mario Lopez’ publicists have a book to sell, he’s been out doing what every other kind, respectful gentleman who has ever been with Britney Spears does…selling her the fuck out!

After Mario used his son on the last episode of Ellen as a talking point, he was quick to get on to the next publicist approved highlight from his new memoirs in which he said he had a one night stand with a “super famous” pop star in Vegas and then acted all coy and shit when Ellen did what any human with a brain would and allege that it’s The Queen of the Fraps.

Well USWeekly did us a favour, put on their Nancy Drew hats and found out that the blindingly obvious truth is indeed blindingly obvious. The magazine confirms that yup, Brit Brit was in bulldozer vagina mode after she split up with K-Fed, and yup, that weird sexual tension that happens every time Lopez interviews her is because they actually did have real life sex. I know, how will your life ever be the same in this knowledge?

I mean this was around the time Britney Spears was losing her fucking mind so I’m not sure Mario Lopez should feel like hot shit for that. Britney Spears would have boned a fucking pony if it neighed at her the right way during that time. Britney Spears basically is in a long term relationship with frappes and Mario should not  have been foolish enough to come between Brit Brit and her gorgeous caffeine prince. If Britney was meant for any human it would be Zac Morris anyway, so bye bitch.

 

Brit Brit saved Planet Hollywood’s skanky ass.

Brit Brit saved Planet Hollywood’s skanky ass.

When going to Vegas if you ask yourself “Would I like to see a pop superstar put in roughly 45% of the effort she is capable of?” and the answer is YES then odds are you’ve seen Britney Spears’ “Piece of Meat with a little sizzlin Texas BBQ sauce if Y’all don’t mind” show.

Despite Britney having not sung a live note in so long that she probably wonders who the weird voice on the loudspeaker is, and that she appears to only be actually awake once a week, the Queen of Frapps has sold out almost all of her shows and continues to be a big pull on the strip. Not even Shania on a horse can unseat Brit Brit!

She has now been credited with saving Planet Hollywood’s ailing fortunes, because that’s Britney’s job – walking fucking ATM for everyone but herself!

According to the  Las Vegas Sun, Britney has added $20 million to the value of Planet Hollywood per anum since she started her residency. That’s roughly as much as Christina Aguilera owes her label for her last CD!

Where rooms used to sit empty they are now full of bottom twinks burning their Grindrs up trying to find a god-damn top in that hotel, and screaming blonde girls who hum their way through most of “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” apart from the chorus part which they sing loudly, drunkely and always together followed by a lot of WOOOOHing and high fives that sort of miss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mimi the elusive gambler.

As of late The Empress of Butterflies, Queen of Pink Latex, Dame of High-Heel cross training and master of diva shit MooMi has had critics (ie me) out for her after her voice has appeared shaky as fuck at concerts, tv performances, and anything really.

It looks like we weren’t the only assholes out for poor Moomi’s jugular, because her backing singers even put a bet on that bitch couldn’t hit a note if she tried anymore, and well if there’s any incentive for Moomi to hit a note, it’s the idea of sweet cold hard cash.

Moomz hit that note so hard she probably shit herself a little bit, but bitch didnt care cause that note was the sound of her backing singer’s pride dropping into her hand along with some measly toilet paper she will probably use later to wipe her jack russell’s ass.

Also of note: Mimi still thinking she’s the human form of Jessica Rabbit as she smacks her other backing singer’s hand away (I’m not here to make friends!) and get’s dat money.

If Mimi hadn’t become a singer, she would have made a grade a gold-digger and I have to respect that.

Well that’s responsible “journalism” for you.

Well that’s responsible “journalism” for you.

I guess I should not be surprised that Life & Style magazine are once again serving up bottom of the barrel stars in bottom of the barrel stories that are literally six months old now, nor should I be surprised that they’ve photoshopped Cuntina Aguilera into some sort of tropical island resort for honestly no reason at all.

What I was surprised by is that this basic bitch of a magazine continues to write such incredibly uplifting and positive messages to it’s readers as the following.

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I’m talking about the “Bullied over her weight, Christina get’s her best body ever – after two babies. Her never-go-hungry diet that’s better than lipo!” part, though going inside Karina Smirnoff’s closet also counts as a violation based on the shoes alone.

It’s a beautiful message to send to your readers. “If people call you a fat bitch, listen to them and lose weight!” Conform! Eat a salad! You’re disgusting! Kill yourself”

Even though Christina Aguilera is just the worst, and let’s be honest, she’s who that chick in Nashville is based upon, I kind of liked her when she had a big booty. It represented some form of rebellion against her label, against her detractors, and against what is expected of her. Rebellion is the one thing that was specifically interesting about Christina in her early career (Stripped, Back to Basics) which is now notably absent and could be part of the reason why her records are not selling.

The fact that she has played into the negative comments on her weight is both her right to as a woman, but is also entirely predictable in the paradigm of her celebrity.

As you will see in the “weight” tag, we’ve only written one weight related article, and that’s about Christina.

In that article  I pointed out her hypocrisy regarding her weight, the accusations of her bullying other singers for their own weight, and how her line to the public changes to suit. Aguilera was quoted slamming her label, claiming to be proud of her fuller figure, then months later she appears ultra skinny just in time for a new season of The Voice. What kind of message does that send?

Weight is an issue that Aguilera cannot win. As a female popstar, society will hold her to standards that are unrealistic in any of her forms. But as Christina worked hard to transform her figure, she may not have been noticing that society is changing.

Currently newcomer Meghan Trainor sits atop the Billboard Hot 100 for a fifth week. A pop-star not made entirely of bones and abs, Trainor’s “All About that Bass” is a rebellious anthem for girls of all shapes and sizes to feel proud of who they are, and it’s dominating in a way that the Billboard hasn’t seen for some time. Also in the top 10 is a Nicki Minaj song about her big ass in which she turns some of the remarks directed at women’s bodies against men, and a Taylor Swift song about brushing off critics.

A fuller-figured Christina at last years PCAs

A fuller-figured Christina at last years PCAs

Being defiantly who you are is the new normal for 2014. Of course though, this romantic message does not always gel with the music business reality. Trainor is a beautiful girl who could hardly be defined as “super plus sized”, Swift has a ridiculously lean physique and Minaj has an augmented everything to be an exagerated representation of the male ideal of a female body.

But Aguilera is a rare breed. The established pop star that  could have transformed her career and had notable social impact by becoming a role model for the real girl, showing beauty comes in various forms. This would have allowed her to finally rely more on her actual vocal talent as opposed to how many FHM cover’s she can nail in her knickers.

There’s no doubt Christina feels more comfortable in a world of the weight obsessed when she’s thinner,  and maybe as a human being she just feels better this way, but that’s the question here – with all her talking about how she’s really a “fat girl”, is this the real her, or have the “bullies” won? Either way, what’s Christina’s quite literal loss is Meghan Trainor’s gain.

Kris Jenner has a cookbook coming out.

Kris Jenner has a cookbook coming out.

If you wake up every morning and wish you had a delicious Spanish omelette recipe that would never fail, then look no further as the source of all that is evil Kris Jenner is stealing all of her household hispanics’ recipes and putting into one delicious cookbook!

Kris Jenner's Cookbook

Kris Jenner’s Cookbook

In the Kitchen with Kris is both the most unlikely situation you will ever hear of Kris Jenner being in,  and a “kollection” of recipes written by people who have actually been inside a kitchen. It’s lucky for us that Kris Jenner is almost certainly only pretending that she’s ever cooked anything more than the books or her skin because a Kris Jenner dinner is a big sack of tabloids, a newborn fetus, a pint of ruthless ambition, and a side of botox for dessert.

Suffice to say Martha Stewart can continue to spend her every waking moment shading Poopy Goopy Paltrow, because the odds of Kris Jenner snatching her perfectly glossy mane are about as likely as me finally convincing Gaspard Ulliel that I am his husband and that he just has really really bad amnesia.

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