Paul Ross had a gay drug fuelled affair. Blames drugs for the “Gay” part.

Paul Ross had a gay drug fuelled affair. Blames drugs for the “Gay” part.

Paul Ross has revealed to The Sun (read: The Sun threatened to publish the lover’s tell all so he gave quotes for damage-control)  that he had a six month gay affair behind his wife’s back  (GASP) and they did drugs (GASSP) and he was addicted (GASP!) oh and the other person was a dude (!!!!!!!)

Incase you’re wondering who the fuck Paul Ross is, he’s Jonathan Ross’ brother who basically shills himself out to any fronting UK tv quiz shows. He’s become kind of part of the tapestry of the UK tv business, like a second rate cousin of Richard & Judy.

Paul has been married to wife Jackie for ten years and has five kids. He said he initially went online to look for sex because he was stressed out financially. Which makes total sense. But LiLo level delusion and lies doesn’t stop here.

Paul met up with Barry Oliver, a former English teacher, at a local dogging spot. Somehow we’ve jumped from “being stressed out and going online to look for sex” to “meeting a male man to have sex with in a dogging spot”. It was obviously love at first fumble in the bushes, because this is when Paul decided to meet up with Barry regularly for sexytimes.

It was also Barry who introduced Paul’s precious naive self to Mephedrone or Meow Meow. To say that Paul was into Meow Meow would be an understatement. That bitch snorted Meow Meow from every fucking surface up to six times a day. If Paul saw a horizontal plane he’d look at it and think “that’d look better with meow meow being snorted off of it”. At his drug addiction peak, Paul even snorted it from Barry’s face.

He said

 ‘I was on telly in the Eighties and drugs were all around and I never tried them. Anyway, so I tried this stuff and then we had sex and it was just incredibly intense. It was all about the drugs.’

Right. Again not really hearing all that much about the whole “Oh by the way I had sex with a man behind my wifes back” part of it. But sure.

His wife became suspicious when Paul would return home with his eyes lolling around his head and a leeeetle bit of semen on his chin. No im kidding, but she did become suspicious though, because Paul’s ass was out getting pounded at night, so she did what any loving wife would – she tracked him using the Find My Iphone App.

That pesky Find my iPhone app is ruining all kinds of lives this week! First Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver, now Paul Ross’ secret life as a homosexualist!

It didn’t take Jackie long to figure out that Paul wasn’t down at waitrose for four hours every night and thats when shit ended, so say they. Jackie served up high levels of delusion when she downplayed the whole “My husband could well be gay” part of things by saying

‘I know 90 per cent of Paul is a good man. He’s a good dad. I feel the sex was part of the mephedrone package, I don’t see it as a gay relationship, I see it as part of the drugs.’

Translation: Paul Ross is broke, bitch and Jackie aint getting shit if she divorces him now!  I guess Jackie must have missed the whole part where Paul only started taking drugs when he was at his male lover’s apartment.

The BBC have currently given Paul “some time off” to deal with his “personal issues”. But thankfully for Paul Lindsay Lohan is currently hard at work writing a welcome letter to the thick-as-thieves club of public tomfoolery. She’s sending  the induction pack, where the first chapter discusses how best to lie to the public about being in one place, even if you’re clearly photographed being in another.  These are skills Paul might find useful.

Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

I have still to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but if the word of mouth is to be believed then my life will never be the same and I should cut off my testicles now because not even sex will compare to the awesomeness of this movie.

As such it has now become the top-grossing movie of the year in America, beating out “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”  and it’s a dead-cert to cross $300 Million all in.

Worldwide however, Guardians has some work to do. The superhero romp trails the billion-dollar grossing Transformers: Age of Extinction as well as Maleficent, X-Men, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and How to Train your Dragon 2.

MALEFICENT

I have to give a slow hand clap to Disney and St Angie this year. Not only are Disney literally vomiting up Marvel money to then eat it up and shit it back out, but with the addition of Frozen’s international rollout and the huge overperformance of Maleficent as the second biggest film of the year worldwide, the Disney shareholders will be fapping into Maleficent branded cups as the tweak their icy money nipples.

Another overperforming story at this years box-office is one which only genius and visionary Megan Fox foresaw, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not only opened well, but has actually developed impressive box office stamina as it lurches towards $200 Million. Disgustingly.

Finally this weekend its worth mentioning that The Hundred Foot Journey has already passed a 4.0x multiplier after a month of release. This pic will definitely close north of $50 Million now as we predicted. I like saying “as we predicted” because not only do I get to be smug about being right, but I also get to pretend theres more than one of me, as If i had a conference about this shit. A conference with the drunk, slurry vision of me in the mirror, maybe.

Full chart after the jump

(more…)

The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

The fugitive who stopped to play with cats.

Any cat owner will know that whilst cats are definitely Satan and also can poop smells that you didn’t know were possible to exist without the accompanying sight of 1000 corpses, they make great occasional lap cosies and also can be quite entertaining if you strike the right balance of “play”. ( and by that I mean the balance where you don’t end up with the arms of a Hot Topic store manager.)

No one knows this better than Florida fugitive Daniel Pinedo Velapatino. Whilst Daniel was running from the cops after smashing up a whole bunch of cars, he decided to stop by Candace Noonan’s house and play with her cats.  Because nothing is more soothing when you are being chased by armed law enforcers for a crime than stroking a little kitten behind the ears. Oh and since he technically didn’t know Candace Noonan,  he technically kind of just let himself in and got on her floor and played with her cats. 

Candace said she started to put two and two together regarding the complete stranger who’d entered her home and was now playing with her cats on her kitchen floor only when she started to see cop cars outside.

She later added that it was only when she was being interviewed by police she realized that actually letting a stranger into your house to play with your cats isn’t always a smart idea.

Well, her name is Candace.

 

Nothing like cheating to short circuit Britney.

Nothing like cheating to short circuit Britney.

It started out as any other night behind the scenes at Piece of Me at the AXIS, Planet Hollywood.

The dancers were spritzing down their faces as they hung out of their skin-tight outfits, enjoying the final moments of release before they’d have to suck in for the next hour and a half. Business managers paced back and forward, staring intently into their iPhones as they awaited confirmation that every seat was filled.  Screaming fans bustled outside whilst hairdressers moved wigs that honest-to-god could be made of nylon into another room. The lighting tech team made final adjustments to the programming, and somewhere, lost in the bustle of that madness, Britney Spears sat in a dark corner whilst her own evening’s programming downloaded into her brain.

It took team Britney half an hour before they suddenly realized that something was amiss.  Instead of giggling and coyly suggesting that the audience was “Really hot” (Or any such bland pre-programmed variant) when she lined up an overly excited audience member for participation in the next number, Brit Brit’s broken heart appeared to beat out her standard subroutines as she veered dangerously close to appearing human.

If Britney continues like this, we may see an interview in which she reveals more than just her love for vanilla candles at some stage in the future.

Im glad that Brit Brit is going with the whole “Empowered / Angry” thing rather than the “Eat ten tubs of Ben & Jerry’s and end up looking like a manatee” thing.

Like, I’ve definitely never done that second thing. Nope.

 

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays.

In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE.

Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something.

icloud

I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in.

The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave meals and help me identify what an Ariana Grande is in the near future.

Interesting names absent from this list: Any celebrity over the age of 40. Wheres the Liza Minnelli nudes?! Wheres my Jane Fonda leaks?! What about a little Star Jones pre-surgery titty? Such a flop of a leak IMO.

I guess I should be glad of this leak, from this stage on every time I look at my web traffic i’m going to see the search term “Celebrity nudes leaked” or “celebrity flange”  because people will google these terms in outrage and fappage that Jennifer Lawrence now has pictures of her naked in her fancy hotel rooms on the internet. And also because “flange” is a great word for a vagina.

I absolutely 100% believe that the completely unfair invasion of privacy of a bunch of famous women dumb enough to take naked selfies should be the #1 priority of the media and our world right now, and thanks to feminism, it is!

By the way, that whole terrifying Ebola thing is still happening. Just so you guys know.

 

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