Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Remember the last time Kim Kardashian was pregnant and it was the hilarious Kanye-Styled media gift that just kept giving?

Well shit has not changed. Kim is well into her second pregnancy, because everyone deserves a second chance to bring around the apocalypse if you fail first time round.

Attending Khloezilla’s boyfriends birthday party on a boat somewhere, Kim had to follow the dress code of “cumstain white” and something tells me Kanye and the fruity onboard servers had a hand in that dresscode…

kim kardashian pregnant

I mean, she looks fucking ridiculous. Being pregnant makes you sort of look hilarious anyway, but Kim K has the absolute talent of taking pregnancy and making it just hysterical.

Only Kim Kardashian would go pregnant onto a BOAT IN FUCKING STIELLTOS. Even disgusting Elder Jenner recognises this bitch is playing and Kanye is also proving to us why he never smiles…because you realise his true age is 94. I live for the fact that Kim gets absolutely huge when she’s pregnant because i have a really fucking sad life and this is all I have to live for now. Fuck you.

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Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

In a breakup,  there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners.

The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken.  Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous.

The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway.

And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having also announced their divorce months ago.

I mean sure theres a global financial meltdown underway and you know, the Koreas are dangerously close to launching a global nuke war, but fuck that! Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding band!

What this really means for us all as a public is that we don’t have to ever endure the crushing second-hand embarrassment of seeing Ben Affleck humiliate Jennifer Garner in front of 30 million viewers ever again. Nor do we have to listen to Jennifer Garner act like a super peppy cheerleader for her husband’s career on every talk show under the sun, presumably a distraction method to she gently dance around the fact that she’s pretty much resigned herself to starring as “the supporting mom character” in every movie she’s in now.

Silver linings.

Literally nothing is happening

Literally nothing is happening

So it’s been a long time since we updated LA Deli, and you might think that’s because Perez Hilton broke the site with his general being since he was the last thing we wrote about.

I mean, it’s not like there’s been a shortage of shit going down. Bennifer / true love are over, Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner and, most importantly, internationally renowned music superstar uber-sensation Heidi Montag remains as elusive as she is demure and keeps fans around the world waiting for her hot new beat to drop.

So, there should really be no excuse for me to not pick up and write about something really exciting and interesting, but you’ll be happy to know that Hollywood is quiet and no one is doing anything.

 

This is definitely not my way of secretly shirking out of writing about some Kardashian stories or having to talk about the STILL TOO RAW Bennifer collapse. It’s also not my way of saying that I am too lazy to talk any more about anyone on the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.  Nope. It’s really just an opportunity for me to remind you what classic gems LA Deli’s Youtube channel brought you so that I don’t have to do anything.

Did you know we have nearly a million views on Youtube? If each of those people gave me a handjob i’d have incredibly painful friction burns and probably be in jail. Food for thought.

 

Two genital warts hate each other on Channel 5

Two genital warts hate each other on Channel 5

Separately, the names Perez Hilton and Katie Hopkins are toxic enough to require a hazmat suit, so it’s sort of a no brainer that that the high-brow geniuses at Channel 5 thought that chucking them together into the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother House was all we’ve ever hoped and dreamed of.

Katie, of course, is best known for being the UK’s punishment for allowing The Apprentice to happen. She is the adult female version of a 2002 internet forum. Remember forums? The things once used for something other than increasingly desperate cries for Vodafone technical support?

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Perez on the other hand, is basically the human version of this website. That is if this website simply posted pictures of famous people with Microsoft Paint jizz coming out of their mouths, called everyone cunts, outed a bunch of celebrities, posted a lot of self-promotional news and directed you to merch wishing that mentally ill people would have died instead of troubled movie stars.

Unlike Perez, LA-Deli is (at the very least) dedicated to bringing you hot new music from breakthrough artists like the unforgettable Three Beat Slide.

Basically Perez and Katie are the two proudest people in the world of how inhumanely awful they are and arewalking examples of the liberal abuse of free-speech. Accordingly it makes 100% sense they’d be put together in an awful house on the worst television channel (Yes, worse than that one that only shows dodgy Irish country music) for the viewing pleasure of, I’m sure, the most interesting people at any watercooler.

You’d think that because Perez and Katie are two parts of the horsemen of the apocalypse that they’d get on swimmingly! Festering in their own putrid shit and inhaling the heady depths of each others massively important opinions about everything. But alas, the great ego required to be the most attention-whoring of trolls of the universe has prevented both parties from uniting in an unholy partnership to serve their Kardashian overlord.

Katie and Perez have been at it like two gay weiner dogs since they entered the house, and – in troubling news for Perez – his relentlessly exhausting general existence has played strongly in Katie’s favour.

'Celebrity Big Brother' TV show, Elstree Studios, Hertfordshire, Britain - 20 Jan 2015

When Perez spent the day wandering around in his just his pants (shudder), Katie, being the shrinking violet that she is, remarked that he had more “back fat than a blue whale”. Perez responded expectedly unfavourably –  pushing Katie to counter that he should “man up“.

It was roughly at this stage that Perez dipped into his big bag of fuckery and pulled out the sparkly-ass homophobic card, a move that went down not so well with the other celebs. Those poor, poor nobodies. Vague shells of human beings  at this stage whom, I’d imagine, are asking themselves which basket of adorable kittens they set ablaze to deserve this punishment.

All I can say is BRAVO to Channel 5 for making me remember they are still a network. BRAVO to Jordan for actually making herself appear relevant by surrounding herself with the only human beings in the universe less relevant than she is. And BRAVO to Perez Hilton, for doing the impossible and making Katie Hopkins look positively tolerable next to him. I mean, she’s not tolerable of course, but he’s just the absolute fucking worst.

 

‘Mockingjay’ becomes 2014’s biggest film.

‘Mockingjay’ becomes 2014’s biggest film.

As we’ve already documented, Hollywood is full of greedy hos and those greedy hos will do anything to make a dollar. This includes splitting the shortest and weakest installment of The Hunger Games trilogy into episodic installments. Still, Mockingjay – Part One overcame the adversity of much cooler critical response to become the biggest film of 2014 today.

 

With just shy of $332 Million in the bank, Mockingjay just eked past The Guardians of the Galaxy to be the top grossing film of the year. As Catching Fire was last year’s biggest picture, this means that the HG franchise stands a good chance of three-peating it’s reign as the #1 films of the year if Mockingjay – Part Two can push over the $400 Million mark this year.

Of course, these are only domestic gross figures. Internationally, 2013 was Frozen’s to own. This year’s global chart will see Mockingjay end up as only the third or fourth largest pic of the year, depending on it’s results from the upcoming key China release. Japan is unlikely to contribute much, but with a holiday release in it’s favour, the pic could gross over $50 Million from China alone.

 

Still, Disney is unlikely tFrozeno be crying about it. Frozen continued to gross well into 2014 with multiple theatrical re-releases and a record-breaking run on DVD with a soundtrack that became the biggest music release of the year. They also knocked it out of the park with the perfectly marketed breakout Maleficient (sealing the deal for Angie as a screen icon) and Marvel proved its acquisition value again with  a double whammy with Captain America: Winter Soldier and Guardians of the Galaxy. With Big Hero 6 performing admirably and Into the Woods still climbing, Disney has had another stellar year.

Bradley Cooper made ALL the money this weekend.

Bradley Cooper made ALL the money this weekend.

Now that we know an Alias reunion is a possibility, let’s sell this shit to executives since Bradley Cooper is a bankable movie star now. I’m not sure if Bradley Cooper would ask for second billing but bitch you need to remember you are, and always will be Will Tippin. You’re Jennifer Garner’s backup bitch, so don’t get all Oscar nominee on me for this shit, we need you humble and willing to take off your shirt, Bradley.

Humble is not what the box office gross for his new Oscar nommed pic “American Sniper”  was on Friday. Sniper blew all expectations out of the water with a huge $30.5 million Friday total – which broke a bunch of January records (read: all of them) and also blew director Clint Eastwood’s’ previous entire weekend records out of the water.

The industry had expected a $50 Million four day bow for Sniper which has, in turn, duly jizzed money all over the industry’s face. The film ended up making over $105 Million over the four day weekend and $89 Million over the three day. That is, by a significant margin, January’s biggest release ever.

This will come as welcome news to the movie studio executives who’d expressed concern during recent research which showed the huge dip in box office grosses is due to it being too fucking expensive, though 10% of polled audiences said “the taste of Harvey Weinstein’s sweaty balls in my soda” was a limiting factor for their attendance too.

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I’m happy not just for Bradley Cooper, but for that birds nest of vagina known as Sienna Miller, who also got top billing for the film. As much as you bitches are going to roll your eyes in my general direction, Sienna Miller is an underrated actress. She’s like the super less annoying and infinitely less frigid cousin of Gwyneth Paltrow to me.

Elsewhere in the box office chaattttts, noted not gay person (don’t worry son, we don’t want you) Kevin Hart scored another hit, with his new piece of shit The Wedding Ringer which is due to make around $20 Million over the three day weekend.

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According to critics, Paddington is the best film of 2014 tied with Boyhood,  so that tiny adorable little mess is going to be hovering around $20 Million for the weekend too. When i saw the trailer for Paddington and saw Nicole Kidman’s campy ass frostface and hair I thought this shit was going to be a grade A trainwreck, but I guess Nicole wanted to try something fresh by not starring in an utterly appalling waste of celluloid for once. Well played, Nicole – it’s been a while. But if they are going to make movies about messy bears who can’t keep their shit together and like to wear latex hats, then when are they going to do a film about John Travolta? 

1). American Sniper (WB), 3,555 theaters (+3,551)/ $29.1M Fri. (+18,537%) /3-Day:$66.8M (+11,427%)/4-Day:$75.4M /Total cume: $78.8M/ Wk 3

2). The Wedding Ringer (Sony), 3,003 theaters/ $6.9M Fri./ 3-Day: $20.5M/ 4-Day: $23.8M /Wk 1

3). Paddington (TWC), 3,303 theaters / $4.8M Fri./ 3-Day: $19.3M / 4-Day: $24.1M /Wk 1

4). Taken 3 (Fox), 3,594 theaters (0)/$4.3M Fri(-71%). / 3-Day: $14.5M (-63%)/4-Day: $17.3M /Total cume: $66M/ Wk 2

5). Selma (Par), 2,235 theaters (+56) / $2.49M Fri. (-34%)/ 3-Day: $9.1M (-19%)/4-Day: $11.2M /Total cume: $28.8M / Wk 4

6). Into The Woods (DIS), 2,758 theaters (-75) / $1.7M Fri. (-31%)/ 3-Day: $6.8M (-29%)/4-Day: $8.9M /Total cume:$116.7M / Wk 4

7). The Imitation Game (TWC), 1,611 theaters (+45) / $1.8M Fri. (-14%) / 3-Day: $6.4M (-11%)/4-Day: $7.7M /Total cume: $51.3M / Wk 8

8). The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies (WB), 2,220 theaters (-1182)/$1.3M (-47%)Fri./ 3-Day: $5.2M (-44%) /4-Day: $6.7M /Total cume: $245.9M/ Wk 5

9). Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb (FOX), 2,437 theaters (-934) / $975K Fri. (-40%) / 3-Day: $4.3M(-35%)/4-Day: $5.7M /Total cume: $106.7M / Wk 5

10). Unbroken (UNI), 2,602 theaters (-699) / $1.2M Fri. (-51%)/ 3-Day: $4.1M (-49%)/4-Day: $4.8M/Total cume: $109.1M / Wk 4

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