Cheryl Cole Fernando Chiquitita think’s she doesn’t need the X-Factor

Cheryl Cole Fernando Chiquitita think’s she doesn’t need the X-Factor

Cheryl Cole aka Cheryl Fernandez-Chiquitita-Banana Hammock  is back on X-Factor UK just a few short years after the public humiliation of being dropped from the show’s doomed US version because, Simon Cowell said, she’d gained weight and looked weird.

Since Cheryl Cole is massively talented and has the voice of a thousand angels singing into a heavenly conch shell, she’s confident that she doesn’t need the massive publicity from the X-Factor to sell thousands and thousands of digital downloads to 12 year old girls with hearing issues.

Cheryl told The Metro that the X-Factor is nothing to her career, and doesn’t think it has anything to do with her record sales despite the fact she literally just brought out new music for the first time since her last X-Factor appearance.

Cheryl Said

‘I mean, I’ve just had a No.1 without the show. Almost 300,000 copies now I think it’s sold,’ she said of her duet with Tinie Tempah.

The singer also downplayed the chart defeat she suffered at the hands of Justin Bieber when she released her third album in 2012 following her sacking from X Factor USA. ‘I’ve had three albums now. Two No.1s and one was only beaten by Justin Bieber by 3,000 copies. ‘Otherwise it would’ve been No.1,’ she said.

Cheryl has a point, she was beaten by Justin Bieber by just 3,000 copies. But she was still beaten! This bitch reminds me of me when I used to come last in the sack race as school and I’d say shit like “Everyone only beat me because they had smaller sacks!” My giant sack has always been a problem.

Anyway, Cheryl Cole just wanted us all to know that she’s super into X-Factor not for, you know, her career or money or anything, but because it’s all about THE JUDGING. Cheryl highlighted to another magazine she discovered Cher Lloyd, which isn’t something I’d be screaming from the rooftops about, but nonetheless Cher Lloyd hasn’t heard from this bitch since she left the X-Factor.  I guess this means she wont be performing any of her new music on the highly rated live shows later in the series just in time for a Christmas album launch then. Oh wait, she will? That’s strange!

I guess Cheryl Cole is just trying to figure out how to play this whole “I’m Back on X-Factor” thing without seeming like shes a cash grabbing, publicity hungry flop in America, which is kind of hard when that’s exactly what she is. Oh well, i’m sure Cheryl would have been signed up to do those horrible shampoo adverts either way, so we can’t blame X-Factor for everything.

Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single

Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single

I’m back! (Sort of) I’m going to be moving apartments over the next coming weeks so my scheduled update situation is going to be a little less regular sometimes whilst I pack my LIFE in boxes.

But fuck, I should never go on vacation again – because these celeb whores KNOW that they will be safe from my scathingly chubby fingers and so they go and do all the bad shit when im gone.

Brangelina Married

I returned to find that Brangelina got surprise-married in France! Those bitches had a “small civil ceremony” in a church in France and didn’t tip off paparazzi, didn’t call OK Magazine and didn’t even let the kids sell their locations for pocket money.

The BBC reports absolutely nothing of interest on this, but if you need receipts then here you go. The heavenly family made by Oprah will now ascend back into the clouds for their honeymoon period and will return only when it is time to shill a movie.

I guess that whole “We’ll wait till gay marriage is legal” thing really meant “we’ll wait until everyone forgets we said that and get married”.

As they (aka nobody) say, as one famewhore love life bliss door opens, another closes.

Britney Spears very much not married

Brit Brit Spears has been twaddling her thumbs in the centre of cheating SCANDAL controversies around her basic boyfriend David Lucado lately.

TMZ reports that when they called up David Lucado’s rep for comment on the stories that he’s had his peen in other vajayjays they basically as good as admitted that there is a video of him cheating on Britney being shopped around.

Since TMZ is your nightmare nosey bitch neighbour from HELL, TMZ went on to call Britney’s reps and apparently Papa Spears wanted to blab to them about it but needed to speak to Brit first.

Well he did and this happened.

Poor Brit Brit! She’s so unlucky in love.I guess whilst Basic David cries into his REJECTION letter for the Harvard School of Gold Diggers, Brit Brit is going to go and buy herself KFC. And by buy herself KFC i mean she could probably buy the whole business.

Variety just printed an article highlighting that Brit is the CEO of a multi-billion dollar business, because remember that time when Britney Spears used to pretend she wasn’t just wheeling her ass out on stage for the money? Yeah – she’s done with that.

Basic Dave is going to have to return all of the exquisite hats that Brit Brit bought him to cover his shanky hair. I will NEVER at these peons who are selected by the Holy celebrities to live a life of luxury by doing fuck all for money who always wonder off to get some basic lowly paid poon. When will you amateurs LEARRRN? When you see a celeb, bend and snap! When you see a basic commoner? Eye roll like Liz Lemon and WALK ON BY.

If only Anna Nicole Smith was still with us to show these lessers how it was really done.

 

 

Short Break

Bye Bitch!

So I’m going on my first vacation in seven years tomorrow. I keep telling people that, and I feel like it must be a lie, but It could actually be the tragic truth that is my pathetic, overworked life.

As such LA Deli will be demoted on my priorities list as follows over the next three days.

  1. Getting drunk and mooning people on a boat….WOOOH!
  2. Listening to MJ’s “Black and White”  I forgot about that song. Such a good song you guys
  3. Finding out where the hell Jodie Foster was supposed to be from in Elysium. Seriously, what was that?
  4. Getting drunk and mooning people on a bus….WOOOOH!
  5. Eating a spaced out pot brownie then slapping a stripper on the ass whilst shouting the line “WOOOH, SHOW ME YOUR MONEY MAKER, but also probably get some college education under your belt because stripping is not forever.”
  6. Getting drunk and mooning people from whenever. Like, public transport not that important. WOOOOOOOOOOH!
  7. Updating that trash blog you write. 

I’m sure you understand. And hey, there’s a veritable goldmine* of posts written when semi-concious from wine consumption for you to enjoy! Take this old piece of shit  for example, or perhaps this deaf pug will cheer you up? Maybe you’d like to fap over Zefron?

To keep you ticking over in my drunk time, here’s a video if  Iggy Australia falling off a stage and everyone over-reacting like her giant silicone butt wouldn’t have cushioned that shit.

*If by gold you mean the kind of gold you find on Tutankhamun bust replicas for sale at the back of Take A Break.

Shocking News: Brit Brit doesn’t want to be a popstar any more

Shocking News: Brit Brit doesn’t want to be a popstar any more

In news that will be all over CNN, BBC and NBC all night in constantly updated headlines, David LaChapelle revealed in a recent interview that Britney Spears is totally over being a pop star and is probably just shimmying at Vegas to feed the zillion people who profit off of Britney Spears Inc.

From Breatheheavy

“Britney never actually really wanted this career… When she was 17 years old and we shot Rolling Stone, I met her parents at her house and they were sweet. Everyone was really nice. There were pictures and trophies of her as a beauty pageant girl and then she exploded into worldwide fame. It wasn’t really a life that she asked [for].”

David went on to say when he filmed Brit Brit’s ‘Everytime’ video back in 2004 all she really wanted to do is disappear into the woods with a tanker of frapps and she’d rather that bath she drowned in was a bottomless pit of cheetos. He said Britney basically would rather have burned her nips off than finish that video, because, well,  bitch was over it!

“When we were doing the ‘Everytime’ video and shooting the second day, she didn’t want to finish it. We didn’t have a video. I remember thinking ‘wow, she doesn’t really wanna be here.’ Working with people who are celebrities over the years taught me that there’s a lot of suffering in an artist. When people get rich like that everybody wants something. It’s like winning the lottery… People are making a lot of money off of them (celebrities).”

So the narrative that the world had guessed for the past six years of Britney appearances in which she’s looked like she’d rather throw herself off of Nicki Minaj’s cavernous ass than be there is 100% right, but Brit Brit is trapped by the fact that people make DAT MONEY off her breathing, eating and shitting. If Britney farts heavily, Larry Rudolph buys another mercedes. If Brit Brit falls coming out of the gym, the editor of Star Magazine buy a new house. If Brit Brit looks longingly at a frapp through the window of Starbucks, she puts more cheese grit money in Papa Spears’ short pockets.

Rita Whora is sitting next to Kim Kartrashian at the VMAS

Rita Whora is sitting next to Kim Kartrashian at the VMAS

Because the VMA’s are STUNT BITCHES, they took a quick look at their seating chart at the VMAS and decided that it was missing controversy and ratings.

As such, they decided to sit Rob Kardashian’s ex, walking std Rita Ora literally four seats away from the bag of rotting cottage cheese known as Kim Kardashian. Given that Kim blame’s Rita for rob spiralling into the fat zone, expect plenty of Kim looking off in the other direction and a lot of Rita being suffocated by Kim’s devious ass.

I’m sure  this will change in a few days when MTV add Calvin Harris and Any Basketball team in between those tricks for even more SCANDAL and DRAMA, because nothing is worse than having to sit for two hours next to someone you’ve boned.

Somewhere the CDC is throwing themselves off a bridge, because by putting Rita and Kim so close together there’s almost certainly a serious hazmat situation going to occur and not nearly enough bleach to burn that shit away.

The Queen of Butterflies is separating from Nick Cannon

The Queen of Butterflies is separating from Nick Cannon

The Queen of Butterflies and Princess of Bratwurst know as Mariah Carey is currently living in a separate house from that commoner she’s been married to Nick Cannon.

Nick has confirmed to The Insider that he and the giant DOLLAR sign he married are living separately and encountering a “rough patch”. This might be because  Mimi is too busy being a multi-uber-triple platinum chart topper (in her brain its always 1999) whilst also curating the beautiful butterfly and unicorn kingdom in her dreams to even bother about this basic shit.

Nick denied the widespread rumours that his penis was jogging off to indulge in some ice team with other vaginas during the relationship.

Because Mariah is the ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE and keeps her gracious public at arms length, sources are suggesting that Queen Mimi was most displeased that Nick told everyone who would listen everything about anything.

Whilst she’s stuffing herself into a bandage dress to write another multi trillion selling SMASH,  Nick Cannon is out laughing about the times he banged Kim Kardashian on basic radio.

Nick failed at the #1 rule of gold-digging, and that is to respect your paycheck!!!
Do you think  SyFy Network would ever disrespect their meal-ticket in internationally respected thesp and star of Sharknado, Tara Reid? No! Do you think that Kevin Federline would violate his agreement and talk to the press about the grizzly details of having been married to Brit Brit? No! And do you think the Ecclestone sisters  would talk about how their daddy looks like a Bugs Life insect on acid? Fuck no! Those bitches know where their bread is buttered, and Nick Cannon must have lost his gold-digger induction pack when he originally married Mimi.

The Insider revealed that Mariah is worth $510 Million whilst Nick is worth $20 Million. Translation: Mimi is looking out across Central Park from her apartment’s dolphin tank laughing into a glass of champagne as she reads her pre-nup which she wrote with a glitter pen. Nick is weeping into a can of Tesco Value baked beans….that he is eating froma  gold plated bowl….he’s still worth $20 Million after all.

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