The Queen of Butterflies is separating from Nick Cannon

The Queen of Butterflies is separating from Nick Cannon

The Queen of Butterflies and Princess of Bratwurst know as Mariah Carey is currently living in a separate house from that commoner she’s been married to Nick Cannon.

Nick has confirmed to The Insider that he and the giant DOLLAR sign he married are living separately and encountering a “rough patch”. This might be because  Mimi is too busy being a multi-uber-triple platinum chart topper (in her brain its always 1999) whilst also curating the beautiful butterfly and unicorn kingdom in her dreams to even bother about this basic shit.

Nick denied the widespread rumours that his penis was jogging off to indulge in some ice team with other vaginas during the relationship.

Because Mariah is the ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE and keeps her gracious public at arms length, sources are suggesting that Queen Mimi was most displeased that Nick told everyone who would listen everything about anything.

Whilst she’s stuffing herself into a bandage dress to write another multi trillion selling SMASH,  Nick Cannon is out laughing about the times he banged Kim Kardashian on basic radio.

Nick failed at the #1 rule of gold-digging, and that is to respect your paycheck!!!
Do you think  SyFy Network would ever disrespect their meal-ticket in internationally respected thesp and star of Sharknado, Tara Reid? No! Do you think that Kevin Federline would violate his agreement and talk to the press about the grizzly details of having been married to Brit Brit? No! And do you think the Ecclestone sisters  would talk about how their daddy looks like a Bugs Life insect on acid? Fuck no! Those bitches know where their bread is buttered, and Nick Cannon must have lost his gold-digger induction pack when he originally married Mimi.

The Insider revealed that Mariah is worth $510 Million whilst Nick is worth $20 Million. Translation: Mimi is looking out across Central Park from her apartment’s dolphin tank laughing into a glass of champagne as she reads her pre-nup which she wrote with a glitter pen. Nick is weeping into a can of Tesco Value baked beans….that he is eating froma  gold plated bowl….he’s still worth $20 Million after all.

South African TV aint messing around!

South African TV aint messing around!

So after Kayley Cuoco, Jim Parsons and Johnny Galecki walked up to CBS and grabbed their balls and squeezed and squeezed until they crapped out a giant pile of money, actors all over the world decided that they too were underpaid for emoting! Except because not all countries have TV industries that have executives who douche with 24 carat gold enemas, things aren’t going so great.

The 16 member cast of soap opera Generations in South Africa were on strike with their employers SABC because those bitches said they wanted more money and that SABC were being tighter than Lindsay Lohan when she’s asked to pay her hotel bills.

Well, those bitches were right! Executive producer  Mfundi Vundla (Sidenote: Master Villain’s name, amirite?) told the cast of Generations to bite him in the bagina because he pink-slipped each and every one of those bitches!

The BBC reports

The show’s 16 actors, watched nightly on state broadcaster SABC, were fired after resisting calls to return to work at studios in Johannesburg.

The programme will continue to air until October, while producers have indicated new actors will be recruited.

Mfundi Vundla said of the firing “There were other actors before, there will be other actors in the future,”he told Talk Radio 702. “Generations will go on, it doesn’t mean the demise of the series.”

“We’ve been engaging with them since October last year,” said Mr Vundla, who added the cast had been asked to continue recording the show while negotiations continued but had not returned to work.

“That’s it, it’s finished, it’s a termination,” he added.

Mfundi is not Mfucking around or Mfunding any fancy actor salaries!

He pointed out that the Generations cast have 12 of the top 15 paid actors in South Africa, but the cast of Generations pointed out that being “Top 15 Paid Actor” in South Africa means jack shit when the top salary is a packet of quavers, a box of Krispy Kremes and a $8.00 Uber credit.

Mfundi Vundla is going  be cackling into his flatcap this evening as he serves his family a can of SPAM and tells his daughter not to be so wasteful and instead of buying food for her lunch she should eat air instead because its cheaper. Mfundi Vundla is going to go to the work cafeteria tomorrow and scream OUTRAGE that soup costs $1 and then email an angry email to his local council for having to pay for parking. Mfundi Vundla is that kind of guy. Maybe. Probably.

Boots and Pants and Boots and Pants! BOOTSANDPANTS!

Life never has enough local mall commercials.

East Hills Mall wanted to create a flashy, exciting, high quality video to promote some of the mall’s elegant luxury brand residents such as OFF BROADWAY SHOES, and RUE 21, and what better way to do that than with an extravagant, serious production value rap video that might have been created by Timbalake* himself?

NEW SHOOESSSSS…. DENIMMMMMMMMM…….

The Backpacks girl is SERIOUS about backpacks. She wakes up in the morning knowing she is going to eat, breathe and sleep BACKPACKS! When she reaches for some sexual pleasure under her bed, shes really reaching to rub a BACKPACK against her down-below parts.

All i know is that I want to get a haircut from the elegant husky queen scene stealer at MasterCuts before shamwowing my gorgeous ass down to buy some BOOTS AND PANTS AND BOOTS AND PANTS from the super chic dude at American Eagle Outfitters which probably saw its profit drop 70% because they keep selling out of boots and pants with their uber astute salespeople.

*Timbalake may or may not be the offbrand fourth cousin of Timbaland

Rita Ora isn’t here for Calvin Harris questions.

Rita Ora isn’t here for Calvin Harris questions.

The most important breakup in SUPER SUPER A-LIST celebrity history known as Rita Whora and Calvin Harris has added another super dramatic chapter to it’s books today.

Rita was at the launching of a new DKNY fragrance (read: turning up at the drop of a hat) and was being interviewed by the Associated Press when things took a turn for the “NOT HERE FOR THIS.”

The interviewer was casually asking Rita such hardball questions as “What do you love about performing?” before he threw her a line with the nice soft question of  “WHY DOES CALVIN HARRIS HATE YOUR WHORA ASS?” . Rita handled that like a pro, and by a pro I mean like Mariah Carey or Naomi Campbell when her publicist jumped in and said “NOT HERE FOR THIS” as she sashayed off into the crowd to find someone else to interview her.

I am not an expert on relationships, but I get the feeling this means Rita Ora and Calvin Harris wont be reconciling? How will i go on without posters of this power-couple of music to slap all over my walls and/or use to pack things when moving house?

Nicki Minaj has a video for Anaconda she’d like you to jizz over.

Nicki Minaj took a break from letting Iggy Azalea snatch her career away to release a new music video for Anaconda and that shit is a predictable mess of jungle references, twerking, wall-to-wall arse and Nicki Minaj giving Drake a lapdance.

The Anaconda video is what would Katy Perry’s Roar video would be if it hooked up with a stripper. That shit is an abortion of colours and stuttering, but Nicki’s face is surprisingly not looking like its been possessed by every demon in the hemisphere. Anaconda sounds like its been sung by a baby prostitute from inside a shoe, because that audio quality is super shit.

I dont think Nicki is all that concerned by the audio on this mess though given she spends most of the video rubbing her naglas against her backing dancers and giving angry blowjobs to a banana. If you wanted to know how low a ho can go to sell a CD, then Nicki Minaj and Rihanna will happily duet to teach you this.

The last minute of this song is literally Nicki Minaj just making noises and giggling and saying “bitch” a lot and also hating on thin people.

The take away from this video i think we are all supposed to have is that Nicki Minaj has a big fat ass and would like to take calls regarding a porn career.

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