Scarlett Johansson is the new box office queen.

Posted by: Deli Llama
July 26, 2014 in Box Office, Movies Leave a comment
Scarlett Johansson is the new box office queen.

Did you know Scarlett Johansson is getting paid up to $20 Million per movie right now?  Hollywood have decided no other doe-eyed woman can emote slutty and vacuous all at once like Scarlett Johansson.

And Scarlett Johansson may have just proved those sleazy old fucks right, because this weekend her starring role in Lucy has laid waste to Dwayne Johnson’s Hercules and will be the #1 film of the weekend.

Lucy is on track to gross up to $44 Million this weekend though shitteous exit polling suggests it’s going to drop like a rock. But the fact that Scarlett Johansson just opened a movie over $20 Million, never mind $40 Million is surprising.

I’d always pictured her as kind of a perfuctionary secondary character. Girlfriend, crew member, background noise. I guess I’m alone there. She’s playing in the Bullock/Jolie league of openings now. Lucy only cost $40 Million, so that shit is going to be hella profitable. Should be noted women have had a pretty phenomenal year at the box office, and a good decade on the whole. Maybe Hollywood is finally, finally paying attention.

And So It Goes flopped hard this weekend grossing no more than $4.5 million. That movie that always looked like a steaming shit version of “Something’s Gotta Give” and I’m not sure how many more times Diane Keaton can act like Meryl Streep on crack before someone punches her in the neck. Calm down, Diane.

Elsewhere, that Purge sequel keeps doing better than anyone expected despite a horrific second weekend drop-off, and Tammy looks to be closing in on around $90 Million for it’s final total.

From DEADLINE

1). Lucy (UNI), 3,173 theaters / $15.4M to $17M Fri. / Total est. cume: $42.8M to $44.5M / Wk 1

2). Hercules (MGM/PAR), 3,595 theaters / $11M Fri. / Total est. cume: $28.3M to $30M+ / Wk 1

3). Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (FOX), 3,668 theaters (-301) / $4.75 Fri. / 3-day cume: $16M to $17M+ (-55%) / Total cume: $173M / Wk 3

4). The Purge: Anarchy (UNI), 2,856 theaters (+50) / $3.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $10.3M (-65%) / Total cume: $51.9M / Wk 2

5). Planes: Fire & Rescue (DIS), 3,839 theaters (+13) / $2.5M Fri. / 3-day cume: $8.2M to $9M (-51%) / Total cume: $35.5M / Wk 2

6). Sex Tape (SONY), 3,062 theaters (0) / $1.98M / 3-day cume: $5.8M (-60%) / Total cume: $26.8M / Wk 2

7). Transformers: Age Of Extinction (PAR), 2,476 theaters (-748) / $1.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $4.8M (-51%) / Total cume: $236.6M / Wk 5

8). And So It Goes (CLARIUS), 1,762 theaters / $1.3M Fri. / 3-day cume: $4M+ / Wk 1

9). Tammy (WB), 2,562 theaters (-840) / $1M Fri. / 3-day cume: $3.4M (-54%) / Total cume: $78.2M / Wk 4

10). 22 Jump Street (SONY), 1,613 theaters (-616) / $767K Fri. / 3-day cume: $2.59M (-45%) / Total cume: $185.7M / Wk 7

Tori Spelling’s cannonball titties are here to say hello.

Posted by: Deli Llama
July 26, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment
Tori Spelling’s cannonball titties are here to say hello.

Tori Spelling took a break from her busy career of pretending to be upset at her husband for sticking his peen in a non Preying Mantis vagina yesterday, in order to take her kids to the beach.

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Tori is at this stage basically as big as Britney and Brangelina combined, so it made total sense that the paparazzi would be following this international A+++ lister to the beach to sneak pictures of her and her family sharing private moments.

Since no Tori Spelling outing would be complete without something a little terrifying for the eyeballs, Tori covered up most of her face with sunglasses but made sure that the world was able to see her giant  cannonball titties.

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As with all celebrity beach pictures, Tori and her family did a lot of fuck all other than splash around and pretend to not know the cameras were there. Dean was there too but was busy surfing. And by surfing I mean looking for any other poon to hit than his wife’s. You have to feel a little bit sorry for Tori Spelling and her general life, but as long as you do it from a safe distance as when she readies her legs she can jump anywhere from 40-45 feet according to Encyclopedia Britannica.

 

Tulisa’s new face is guilty. GUILTY!!!!

Posted by: Deli Llama
July 25, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment
Tulisa’s new face is guilty. GUILTY!!!!

After narrowly escaping a prison sentence for allegedly brokering a drug deal, Tulisa Constantinople’s new sausage lips and exquisite McDonalds arches eyebrows showed up at yet another court today, this time though Mrs Potato Head was not quite so lucky and each of her lips had to absorb a £100 fine a pop for assault.

Tulisa guilty

Tulisa and all of her new face parts were accused of assaulting a celebrity blogger (!) named Savvas Morgan which means that I am probably next and none of us haters are safe. Savvas’ account of his history with Tulisa paints the age old story of celebrity bloggers being composed, stable and genteel men who are definitely not lecherous and would never ever bury their face in an entire red velvet cake from the Hummingbird Bakery to drown the shallow hole that exists where their heart should be in delicious cream.

Aherm.

Anyway, the judge found Tulisa guilty of being rough as tits, and charged her a total of £3,020 according to the BBC which means that Tulisa has some sad nipples who are going to get wrinkly from the lack of botox this month.

Tulisa is also charged with murdering her nasolabial folds with filler. The trial for that is continuing indefinitely.

Tulisa’s new face will not go to jail!

Posted by: Deli Llama
July 21, 2014 in Celebrities 1 Comment
Tulisa’s new face will not go to jail!

Tulisa Constantinopleoisises, also known as the only X-Factor UK  judge to be more rubbish somehow than Nicole Scherzinger, was released from court today with all charges dropped after the judge decided that the witnesses were lying.

Tulisa was on trial after a newspaper reporter pretended to be a big Arab sheikh who promised her a $12 million starring film role in a Leo DiCaprio movie if she could sort him out with some charlie. One would generally wonder how a C-list singer from the United Kingdom failed to really consider the likelihood of being offered a Julia Roberts size salary to star in an A-List picture, but alas. Tulisa bought that shit up and so she charged the reporter for a baggy of coke.

Mazher Mahmood, the reporter for The Sun was deemed to be giving “inconsistent evidence” and apparently the Judge suspected he had coerced his driver to give two different statements. When this proved to be so he had no option but to throw the case out.

The real story here is not that Tulisa isn’t going to jail for dealing drugs, it’s that Tulisa’s stunning new Jodie Marsh face will live in the public eye for another day.

Tulisa Before and After Surgery

Tulisa used to look like a regular human person, but since Kim Kardashian came on the scene every female celebrity is now endeavouring to look as much like a blow up sex doll in human form as is physically possible – so as with most societal problems we can probably just blame the Kardashians again. And as for her gently morphing into Jodie Marsh? Well which girl didn’t grow up wanting to look like Jodie Marsh?

 

Shakira is the QWEEN OF FACEBOOK

Posted by: Deli Llama
July 20, 2014 in Celebrities Leave a comment
Shakira is the QWEEN OF FACEBOOK

You may be surprised to learn that whilst Justin Bieber is the King of Douchebags and Taylor Swift may be the Queen of Fairtyale Forests it is in-fact Shakira who is the most liked person on Facebook.

Shakira just passed 100 Million likes on Facebook, which means over 100 million people clicked a button next to Shakira’s name admitting that they have fapped whilst watching “Whenever, Wherever” on mute.

Shakira is now not only the most popular goat on Facebook, but she is the most popular goat in the world, as only Facebook itself has more likes than Shakira on the social network. Accordingly, Facebook dedicated a video to Shakira as Mark Zuckerberg ordered an immediate market research report on how Facebook can purchase Shakira.

Post by Shakira.

Shakira should probably take this as a sign to set up Goatbook as there are obviously 100 million Latin American goats who are hungry to praise their idol with statements such as

“Shak dear i love u from the core of my heart missing u sweet heart plzzz be mine forever and since i am very glad among one of 1 in the 100,000,000 once again love u dear”

Shakira is the Qween of the Goats and your faves could never. Except maybe Rihanna, that bitch also sounds like a goat and she got nearly 90 Million likes already.

 

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