Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL.

Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect.

Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age.

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Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman”

In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as

I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl.

Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years.  In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in a stunning red dress from Primark Prada. Because she is a smorgasbord of the human condition, she also manages to perfectly capture what I do whenever i enter da club. Laurens reign of global chart domination begins HERE.

Lauren Harries

Update: Mimi still can’t really sing.

Update: Mimi still can’t really sing.

A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong.

It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“.

As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why.

It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.

 

Katherine Heigl doesn’t think she’s difficult.

Against all the odds and a sea of thrown blackberries, Katherine Heigl is currently on television starring in the budget bastard lovechild of Homeland and Scandal called “State of Affairs”.

Accordingly, Katherine has been taking a break from giving The Hollywood Reporter fodder  about what a bitch she is to go on The Meredith Viera Show to talk about how she’s totally not a bitch, you guys!

Of course Hagel decided that she’s not a bitch so stop calling her a bitch! She then went on to become a crusader for all women who don’t feel they can speak up and have opinions and say no to shit without being labelled a giant bitch.

Because of course no A-list actress in the history of all time has ever been able to stand up for herself.

Hagel continued to say she had an epiphany in voicing her opinion in a “gracious way”. I guess by that she means not slaughtering the writers of the hit television show that made her a star in the public domain.

I mean at least Heigl isn’t bringing fifty shades of satan to her interviews in the way that a certain other blonde, successful, nightmarish actress is.

Fergie, Duchess of Pee slays at American Music Awards

Fergie, Duchess of Pee slays at American Music Awards

So the Kinder Delight version of the Grammy’s happened this week and we were subjected to warm up performances from the likes of Taylor Swift playing “Crazy Girlfriend, Taylor Swift” in a performance with vocals so shaky that I honestly thought they were having an earthquake.

There was ever after high doll come to life Lorde who did her really boring Hunger Games song from inside a box, because shes -arty- and because bitch sold out to Lionsgate. Then there was Selena Gomez who sung a song about Justin Bieber in front of a giant crying eye, which is funny because that giant eye served up the emotional response all of us have when we are forced to confront the reality that is Justin Bieber.

But all of those hot, young relevant bitches felt the shade cast by Fergie, Duchess of the Urinal. Fergie brought that wreck of a song LA Love to the stage and actually made you realize that both

A. Fergie is a really great performer and

B. Fergie’s songs are still better than almost anything else out right now.

So Fergie kind of nailed it. A giant big magic mushroom of a bus - CHECK!  the only singer of the night who didn’t sound like she borrowed vocals from a pile of The Voice rejects – CHECK and a body that is killing it for a woman of her age – CHECK CHECK CHECK. The only thing that was really missing to make this performance a legendary AMA one to be remembered was Fergie falling into a bath of pee at the end. No Fergie performance is truly slaying without a little of the yellow nectar.

What Fergie DID bring though (other than her annual supply of botox in its entirety) was this glamorous wardrobe malfunction in which her top got caught in her fanny area. That overgarment was like. “HEY FERGIE’S VAGINA, WHERES ALL THE PEE AT” and she was like “Not today, overgarment”

Heres some pictures of the Queen of my heart and of several urine fetishist web forums at the AMA red carpet with her botox filled permanent surgery face. We love you, Fergie.

DINOSAURS GO RAWR in Jurassic World trailer

DINOSAURS GO RAWR in Jurassic World trailer

Watching Jurassic Park is a spiritual experience, and as such the trailer for Jurassic World is fucking exciting shit. Missing from this trailer is basically everyone from the first movies, so this shit is definitely a “reboot” but could It have hurt to throw us some Laura Dern in there? A little perspective from an old hat?

Whatever, I’ll be there opening night. This shit is amazing.

Also, I guess Chris Pratt is a bonafide A-lister now, which is a pleasant surprise. Now can we get Anna Faris up out of the B- rosters too?

‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1′ opens softer than expected.

‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1′ opens softer than expected.

In tragic sob-worthy news, 2014 has become the year where Hollywood executives have been forced to trade in their blood-diamond encrusted jacuzzis to ones made from humble silver and aluminum, because people have finally had enough of paying eight hundred dollars to go and see a movie being constantly interrupted by twats with mobile phones.

Box office grosses are significantly down year on year, and because Hollywood executives are largely a bunch of stupid fucks, the industry was pinning all of its hopes on “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One” to make dat money. It has, of course, but not enough for those greedy anuses!

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The movie opened to $17 Million from midnight showings despite widespread snowstorms on the eastern seaboard and no I-MAX grosses to help boost the returns this time around.

That’s right, literally millions of people went to watch this shit at midnight through a fucking snowstorm and yet Hollywood execs are running out into the street, throwing their hands in their air and screaming “WHYYYY, WHYYYY CRUEL WORLD??” because they expected that shit to do marginally better. 

Mockingjay also is estimated to be grossing $55.5 Million on Friday for around $130 Million this weekend which is almost a quarter down from Catching Fire and even down from the original Hunger Games (both opened above $150 Million) and those bitches are confused as to why. So I thought I’d help them figure it out.

Reason number one:

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and Reason Number two

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Those bitches got greedy!
Mockingjay still got decent reviews and is getting solid word of mouth, but it’s definitively tepid compared to Catching Fire, and the reason? Because they took the shortest, weakest book in the series and split it into two entire two hour movies to make more fucking money.

I saw Mockingjay on Wednesday and that shit is good. It’s engaging, exciting and everyone is into it in the movie. But you can feel them padding that out with dollar signs. They even visit the same location twice for “reflection”. There’s a lot of “reflection” in this movie. If they’d made the final book into one 2 hour 45 minute movie, that shit would have been perfect. As two parts, it’s good.

Still, Lionsgate aren’t going to be crying because they made the movie’s entire production budget back in a weekend and overseas the movie is on track to be even bigger than Catching Fire. As BoxOfficeMojo also points out, the “Part One” of any final chapter in a franchise sees a dip.

Either way, when a movie that is guaranteed to be the biggest film of the year is considered “disappointing” because it’s only grossing above $120 Million and increasing on previous films overseas then you know you have the most ridiculous first world problem known to man.

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