Taylor Swift can literally fart in a microphone for a #1 hit.

Taylor Swift can literally fart in a microphone for a #1 hit.

Jewel-adorned buttercup princess, cat collector and former country singer Taylor Swift has proven that crossing over and waving “Bye, Bitch!” to Nashville is the way to go if your life goal includes “owning a state”.

Everywhere you go, IT’S TAYLOR SWIFT.  Taylor Swift managed to overcome the Taylor Swift fatigue….with more Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift wants you to think of her as an adorable fluffy kitten by association and it’s fucking working. Everyone loves Taylor Swift. Look how many times i’ve written the name Taylor Swift in like three sentences and it’s felt natural and right, because everything you read, do, breathe and see is TAYLOR SWIFT.

It turns out Canada is at the centre of the Swiftpidemic and they have a boner for her in a big way. And I mean like a six day viagra boner.

EntertainmentWise reports that Taylor Swift released eight seconds of white noise (“accidentally”) and it went to #1 in Canada immediately. Not only did her white noise go to #1, but it sold enough in the short time to remain #1,  beating out her #2 and #3 positions.

Taylor Swift's White Noise

Yeah so Taylor Swift literally has 4 out of the 10 top ten tracks in Canada, and one of them is literally nothing. Taylor Swift should probably shit in a box and sell it on the Canadian Ebay for $10,000,000, because Canada would clearly band together and buy that poop and place it in a little Taylor Swift’s Poo museum and charge people $500 a time to go and admire the poop.

Taylor Swift needs to realize what Britney realized a long time ago. When enough people are feverishly obsessed with you, then doing actual things like singing, dancing, showing up to things? Un-necessary! You just need to appear on EXTRA! once a year, string together a few words, talk about vanilla candles (you can even look disinterested and uncomfortable if you like) and have someone make a perfume for you. Et Voila.

At this stage i think Taylor Swift just released white noise to show Katy Perry that she’s the boss bitch, and I kind of like her for that.

 

LeAnn Rimes, it really has come to this.

Because LeAnn Rimes has literally nothing else to do with her days, she got on Windows Movie Maker, chose an outfit from her careful pulling of “trashy and slutty Halloween costumes that make no sense” and somehow sold her Christmas tour as a Halloween event in a two part VIDEO SPECTACULAR which clocks in just over 6 minutes in total.  Beyonce and Jay-Z are nothing compared to the creative genius and high budget wows that LeAnn brings.

In the videos, LeAnn Rimes is chased by three dwarf elves who want her to put some fucking clothes on. Not alone there, dwarf elves! But since LeAnn was born with the Tori Spelling bone of famewhoring for your damn life she can’t help herself! LeAnn dresses wildly inappropriately to give children Halloween candy and those dwarf elves are not having it! The neighbours are talking, LeAnn!

If you want to sit and be mortally embarrassed for a grown-ass woman then please take the time to watch the above videos.

Videos courtesy of Dlisted.

Fifty Shades of Grey sucks.

In the most unexpected, world-altering news you will read all week, the upcoming feature film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Why Is My Mother Reading This!?”  is a fucking damn mess and studio execs decided to drop the “R” word on the film – not ricin to kill that shit off sadly, but reshoots.

According to US Weekly, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of Renee Zellwegger’s New Face and The People on Twitter Talking About Renee Zellweger’s New Face All the Time, because producers of the movie are not happy and want them to reshoot a number of scenes, specifically ones where they have to get all sexy like.

The ‘source’ went on to say that Dakota Johnson is turning the sensual on about as much as me after five gin martinis, and that is to say “trying, but not hard enough”. They allege she is about as sexy as, and I quote, a “dishrag”.  Sweet.

In hilarious damage control of the story, Universal said the following about the movie.

No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.’

Well of course Universals’ lead actors are all unquestionably hot and intense, so if you think that they are lukewarm you are WRONG and you should NOT question this. Those pricks at FOX, though? Yuck.

The only thing you really need to know about this movie is that Rita Ora is also in it, and that is as they say, that.

 

Jennifer Lopez to take over from Britney in Vegas

Jennifer Lopez to take over from Britney in Vegas

Looks like Britney Spears will not be building herself a cheeto palace in Vegas to retire to a bath of fraps every night after all. TMZ is reporting that latina pop sensation and Eric Cartman’s right hand Hennifer Hopez is closing on a deal to take over from Britney once she’s finished her residency, and J.Lo will get $40k more per show.

Like that makes total sense to me, except for the whole part about Jennifer Lopez having only headlined one tour ever. Worse still, said tour grossed even less than Brit Brit’s Groupon twofer event spectacular known as the Femme Fatall-i-wanna-do-is-have-a-seat Tour. It also made not even half of Britney’s “Circus” tour gross.

I mean, Jennifer Lopez is not someone you go and see. Jennifer Lopez is someone American Idol subjects you to because celebrity culture is the worst. This is a woman who has had five, maybe six solid hits in her career and the rest is like “Oh yeah, i forgot she recorded all of those other songs about being real”.

Britney Spears has the gays. If those Vegas hos think it’s just drunk gamblers who’ve helped Frostie von Frap sell out almost all of her shows then THEY GOT IT WRONG. The gays have travelled far and wide to see Britney again and again.

And what is that bitch going to do for her entire discography, because everything she’s ever recorded has been Jennifer Lopez FT.!? She can’t move Pitbull in, can she? She’s not going to get LL Cool J on board, is she? Iggy Azelea isn’t going to come and touch her ass every night, IS SHE?!

According to TMZ,  J.Lo will take over lip-syncing duties to not sing through 72 shows over 2 years for $26.4 Million rather than Brit Brit’s 96 shows for $29.8 Million, so even though Britney has a few million extra for her residency, she (ironically) has to work harder for it.

Brit Brit may be as fluid as an 45 year old Volvo after a rough winter at the Cornish seaside right now, but she at least has the starpower and, you know, the hit songs to back that shit up.

H.Ho is kind of like the Nicole Kidman of the pop world, everyone knows her ass but feels totally MEH about her. This is obviously not great news for Britney as it means she’s now gonna actually have to tour again, record another album and do some actual work.

Kris Jenner digitally enhances her instagram pictures.

Kris Jenner digitally enhances her instagram pictures.

In the least surprising and most important news ever written in the history of the written word, Kris Jenner has been found to be digitally enhancing her Instagram pictures before uploading them.

Kris is pimping out her horrible new cookbook and of course since she attracts other famewhores like flies to shit, she got TV Chef Gordon Ramsay to pose with her on her rounds.

However TMZ points out that whilst Gordon’s Instagram shows his face for the Mt Snowdon of crags it really is, Kim Sr’s version Gordon Ramsay has just had a beautiful milk bath, has fallen asleep and seems to be glowing. Kris Jenner’s instagram must have the special “VASELINE” filter turn on because that shit is softer than my dick after seeing a picture of Kris Jenner.

The Curious Case of Gwen Stefani has a new music video out.

Gwen Stefani probably slithered out of Lisle Von Rhoman’s Beverley Hills mansion before she filmed the music video for her new song “Baby Don’t Lie” because bitch has not aged a single iota in, well, ever.

In the video Gwen gives us ten shades of “Couldn’t be bothered making a music video” by effectively walking in-front of a greenscreen for the duration. It kind of looks like the 80s, 90s and 00s are all wrestling for top dominance in this video and that’s sort of a great way of describing Gwen Stefani on the whole.

Because greenscreen music videos are like REALLY EXPENSIVE (except not at all) and weird acid graphics probably cost Gwen’s label all of $10,000, she had to of course get some product placement in that mess, because the Gwen Stefani you know and love is now the Gwen Stefani wearing Pumas you know and love and also heres a nice phone, and look at this app.

I like Gwen Stefani because shes brazen enough to literally replay her music video for 30 seconds in rewind and think no-ones noticing that bitch went for the budget option on this one.

As a sidenote, I love the song. It’s like a Rhianna album cut from before Rhianna went all club, except its way better because its Gwen Stefani, and not Rhianna.

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