Nicki Minaj has a video for Anaconda she’d like you to jizz over.

Nicki Minaj took a break from letting Iggy Azalea snatch her career away to release a new music out for Anaconda and that shit is a predictable mess of jungle references, twerking and Nicki Minaj giving Drake a lapdance.

The Anaconda video is what would Katy Perry’s Roar video would be if it hooked up with a stripper. That shit is an abortion of colours and stuttering, but Nicki’s face is surprisingly not looking like its been possessed by every demon in the hemisphere. Anaconda sounds like its been sung by a baby prostitute from inside a shoe, because that audio quality is super shit.

I dont think Nicki is all that concerned by the audio on this mess though given she spends most of the video rubbing her naglas against her backing dancers and giving angry blowjobs to a banana. If you wanted to know how low a ho can go to sell a CD, then Nicki Minaj and Rihanna will happily duet to teach you this.

Also Drake, Amanda Bynes was right about you dude, you’re better than this.

Britney Spears doing the ice bucket challenge is the best.

Britney Spears doing the ice bucket challenge is the best.

So after I saw Oprah doing this ALS Ice Bucket challenge thing, I thought no other celebrity would be able to top the HIGH ART COMEDY that was provided. Seeing Oprah have Gayle fling a bucket of ice cold water on her ass was kind of like realizing that gods also feel heat and cold.

But trust The Queen of The Frapps to deliver an even finer moment  in the niche category of Celebrities getting icy-ass water thrown all over them’. I hope Oprah doesn’t come for me for saying that tonight when Im sleeping. I lock the cupboards at night and check under the beds just incase.


In an amazing turn of events, Brit Brit’s circuitry didn’t explode when she had water thrown all over her, but her sunglasses do get knocked off and she gives her fifty shades of  “me whenever my alarm goes off”

Given that her body is made up of 40% crushed ice I kind of thought Brit’s body temperature would  have been regulated to somewhere between ‘Alaska‘ and ‘Nicole Kidman’ on the thermometer and this wouldn’t have been a problem for her. I mean, it’s not like Brit hasn’t had to deal with extreme frostiness in the past…

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But only Brit Brit would walk away from the heated swimming pool behind her after having a bucket of ice thrown all over her. In fairness, she’s probably wondering off looking for some caramel syrup and whipped cream to put on her head so she can start licking herself.

 

 

Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ Music Video

Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ Music Video

Remember when Taylor Swift was still holding a guitar and trying to make you believe she’d just fallen out of a barn after telling her boyfriend she wasn’t ready yet?

Well on her last album, Taylor did a little thing called  “Selling The Fuck Out!” and her label obviously liked the sound of eight million wallets falling open, cause  Taylor has another pop album coming out and she’s released a new single and video for that shit.

Whatever country backwater town Taylor Swift once came from is now a distant cackle to her at a fancy industry event where, with this song, she’s effectively doing the following.

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Britney Spears lipsyncs to Sia singing her song.

Britney Spears lipsyncs to Sia singing her song.

Oh Britney, it was all going so well.

Night two of Brit Brit’s big return from her summer of Fraps and an unfortunate video has appeared on Instagram of Brit Brit lip-syncing.  ‘Britney, lip-syncing?! Quelle Surprise!’ I hear you cry, but this was a particularly embarrassing incident.

When it was time to perform Brit’s latest ballad  ‘Perfume’  her sound engineer appears to have pushed up the wrong fader resulting in Britney’s ‘vocals’ being barely audible, drowned out by backing vocals from the unmistakable Sia Furler.

Someone is going to get a firm turn of Team Britney’s backhand tonight for this mess and Daddy Spears is going to create a “No Cheese Grits For You” list from here on in. Brit Brit probably walked off stage afterwards and was like “Did y’all hear mah voice, oh mah god y’all I sounded AMAZEENG! I didn’t even feel like ah was singing, isn’t that crazay?”

It’s one thing to lip sync to your own vocals on a song. It’s quite another to lip sync to your backing vocalist’s. Probably not super wise given that there are already questions over how much singing on your own songs you actually do these days. Le sigh, team Britney is always so close to a slam dunk and then they snatch it back away.

Anyway, Brit Brit looked great and lip-synced that shit power hard, but let’s get down to the REAL question of the night, what the hell was on her head?

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6 times Blake Lively’s lifestyle blog made me throw up in my mouth

6 times Blake Lively’s lifestyle blog made me throw up in my mouth

Because Goopy Paltrow wasn’t enough insufferable blonde celebrity telling the world how to live,  the walking human cardboard person known as Blake Lively also launched a lifestyle blog known as Preserve.us.

It is the website equivalent to putting on a tweed blazer with a $500 maxi dress and heading out to a barn to listen to some Lumineers whilst you make jam with your best friend called Petit Filou, who talks about how she bought great onions at the farmers market this morning . She then asks if you’ve been to work this month and then you both laugh hysterically because fuck no!

If your idea of the good life is posting pictures of yourself putting candles in mason jars whilst wearing a vintage dress and saying things like “I don’t have a tv” then you might want to skip this post.

However if you aren’t an insufferable twat, then you’ll understand exactly what I mean by the next six things.

The Six times Blake Lively’s Preserve.us made me vom in my mouth a little bit…

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Fergie likes to french kiss her son

Fergie likes to french kiss her son

Fuggie Fug is an LA-Deli icon, saint and legend. For those of you who don’t remember, Fergie peed herself on stage one time . Fergie also once announced that she stopped taking meth because after talking to a clothes hamper for 8 hours, she realized it wasn’t a hamster, as if talking to a hamster for 8 hours is perfectly rational behaviour. For this, she became the patron saint of LA Deli.

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But as with all good things, the fruitful days of Fergie’s solo career dwindled off so she could bang babies out with Josh Duhamel (who can blame a bitch?!) but Fergie must have some project coming up because shes out talking about her family life - and how she’s just like any other mom who french kisses her 11 month old son.

Wait….What?

Fuggie was on Chelsea Lately and told Chelsea

“I kissed Axl and Josh [Duhamel, her husband] at home — both French,” she told Chelsea Handler on “Chelsea Lately” Thursday. “My son likes to French kiss me a lot. It’s so delicious! He goes in for the kill, but I’ll have to cut that off at a certain age, or else it’ll be weird, a little bit Oediupus.”

I really hope this is Fuggie just being Funny-Fug, Poor baby Axl never asked for this, just like he never asked for that mess of a name! He never asked for terrifying Fuggie to shove her grammatically-challenged tongue down his throat.  If you knew ANY other mother in the world who french kissed their kids tell me or tell me not, would you not be calling CPS right fucking now?

But not for Fergie, because remember, she pee’d herself on stage, and that is a get-out-of-everything free card. If Fergie detonates a nuke in a downtown area, she’d still be allowed to walk free, because she peed herself on stage one time. If Fergie defrauded Obama himself, he’d be like “We Good”, because she peed herself on stage one time.  Hell, if Fergie libelled beautiful recording superstar Heidi Montag for not singing live, she’d even get away with that, because she peed herself on stage one time.

She’s paid her dues world, she’s done her time.

 

 

 

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