Boots and Pants and Boots and Pants! BOOTSANDPANTS!

Life never has enough local mall commercials.

East Hills Mall wanted to create a flashy, exciting, high quality video to promote some of the mall’s elegant luxury brand residents such as OFF BROADWAY SHOES, and RUE 21, and what better way to do that than with an extravagant, serious production value rap video that might have been created by Timbalake* himself?

NEW SHOOESSSSS…. DENIMMMMMMMMM…….

The Backpacks girl is SERIOUS about backpacks. She wakes up in the morning knowing she is going to eat, breathe and sleep BACKPACKS! When she reaches for some sexual pleasure under her bed, shes really reaching to rub a BACKPACK against her down-below parts.

All i know is that I want to get a haircut from the elegant husky queen scene stealer at MasterCuts before shamwowing my gorgeous ass down to buy some BOOTS AND PANTS AND BOOTS AND PANTS from the super chic dude at American Eagle Outfitters which probably saw its profit drop 70% because they keep selling out of boots and pants with their uber astute salespeople.

*Timbalake may or may not be the offbrand fourth cousin of Timbaland

Rita Ora isn’t here for Calvin Harris questions.

Rita Ora isn’t here for Calvin Harris questions.

The most important breakup in SUPER SUPER A-LIST celebrity history known as Rita Whora and Calvin Harris has added another super dramatic chapter to it’s books today.

Rita was at the launching of a new DKNY fragrance (read: turning up at the drop of a hat) and was being interviewed by the Associated Press when things took a turn for the “NOT HERE FOR THIS.”

The interviewer was casually asking Rita such hardball questions as “What do you love about performing?” before he threw her a line with the nice soft question of  “WHY DOES CALVIN HARRIS HATE YOUR WHORA ASS?” . Rita handled that like a pro, and by a pro I mean like Mariah Carey or Naomi Campbell when her publicist jumped in and said “NOT HERE FOR THIS” as she sashayed off into the crowd to find someone else to interview her.

I am not an expert on relationships, but I get the feeling this means Rita Ora and Calvin Harris wont be reconciling? How will i go on without posters of this power-couple of music to slap all over my walls and/or use to pack things when moving house?

Nicki Minaj has a video for Anaconda she’d like you to jizz over.

Nicki Minaj took a break from letting Iggy Azalea snatch her career away to release a new music video for Anaconda and that shit is a predictable mess of jungle references, twerking, wall-to-wall arse and Nicki Minaj giving Drake a lapdance.

The Anaconda video is what would Katy Perry’s Roar video would be if it hooked up with a stripper. That shit is an abortion of colours and stuttering, but Nicki’s face is surprisingly not looking like its been possessed by every demon in the hemisphere. Anaconda sounds like its been sung by a baby prostitute from inside a shoe, because that audio quality is super shit.

I dont think Nicki is all that concerned by the audio on this mess though given she spends most of the video rubbing her naglas against her backing dancers and giving angry blowjobs to a banana. If you wanted to know how low a ho can go to sell a CD, then Nicki Minaj and Rihanna will happily duet to teach you this.

The last minute of this song is literally Nicki Minaj just making noises and giggling and saying “bitch” a lot and also hating on thin people.

The take away from this video i think we are all supposed to have is that Nicki Minaj has a big fat ass and would like to take calls regarding a porn career.

Britney Spears doing the ice bucket challenge is the best.

Britney Spears doing the ice bucket challenge is the best.

So after I saw Oprah doing this ALS Ice Bucket challenge thing, I thought no other celebrity would be able to top the HIGH ART COMEDY that was provided. Seeing Oprah have Gayle fling a bucket of ice cold water on her ass was kind of like realizing that gods also feel heat and cold.

But trust The Queen of The Frapps to deliver an even finer moment  in the niche category of Celebrities getting icy-ass water thrown all over them’. I hope Oprah doesn’t come for me for saying that tonight when Im sleeping. I lock the cupboards at night and check under the beds just incase.


In an amazing turn of events, Brit Brit’s circuitry didn’t explode when she had water thrown all over her, but her sunglasses do get knocked off and she gives her fifty shades of  “me whenever my alarm goes off”

Given that her body is made up of 40% crushed ice I kind of thought Brit’s body temperature would  have been regulated to somewhere between ‘Alaska‘ and ‘Nicole Kidman’ on the thermometer and this wouldn’t have been a problem for her. I mean, it’s not like Brit hasn’t had to deal with extreme frostiness in the past…

BritneyChristina

 

But only Brit Brit would walk away from the heated swimming pool behind her after having a bucket of ice thrown all over her. In fairness, she’s probably wondering off looking for some caramel syrup and whipped cream to put on her head so she can start licking herself.

 

 

Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ Music Video

Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ Music Video

Remember when Taylor Swift was still holding a guitar and trying to make you believe she’d just fallen out of a barn after telling her boyfriend she wasn’t ready yet?

Well on her last album, Taylor did a little thing called  “Selling The Fuck Out!” and her label obviously liked the sound of eight million wallets falling open, cause  Taylor has another pop album coming out and she’s released a new single and video for that shit.

Whatever country backwater town Taylor Swift once came from is now a distant cackle to her at a fancy industry event where, with this song, she’s effectively doing the following.

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