Any of those who were with us during the dark days of 2005 will remember that it was not just the appalling writing of Deli Llama that kept you coming back for more, it was also the terrible writing of Getluv now known as Deli Manager.
Hopefully we can recruit a few Deli Servers and we’ll have a full sandwich bar.
Getluv has a lot to get his head around, so please lets all give him a slow handclap on his return.
J ohn Travolta is back to scene stealing somewhere that isn’t allegedly a bathhouse in Los Angeles! John only had literally three lines to say in the entirety of the Oscars. It took me a quick minute before I figured out he wasn’t some melted pancake who’d wondered on-stage from the props department for a Katy Perry music video, but I shouldn’t shade John or his lacefront, because without him the 2014 Oscars would just be the sad less fun cousins of The Golden Globes.
Yes, after somehow lacing the words beautiful and wicked with some kind of fabulous glittery vibrato and making me never able to say the word “talented” the same way again – John introduced oh, you know, Tony Award winning actress Idina Menzel as
And all I could let out were 160,000 YASSSSSES at the immediate number of Adele Dazeem gifs, facebooks and general internet fuckery that would ensue.
So thank you John Travolta, because otherwise this was just a bunch of people clapping Cate Blanchett for being a good actress.
Police have now launched a full formal investigation into the missing Oscar after Streep reported it to them after having already looked around her house and cars four times, and revisiting the Dolby theatre. When officers initially doubted if Streep ever had an Oscar she proceeded to send them DVD screener copies of Sausage County after which the forces tasked immediately stepped up the search.
“This is very serious, as Meryl Streep is the greatest living actress of our time” said police chief Diego Martinez. “Meryl Streep has been robbed of an Oscar, there is no doubt about it.” he continued.
When asked for comment on the scandal, Streep said ”It’s funny because I remember sitting in the audience and seeing people on the stage, but the thing is I don’t ever even remembering being up there and having the Oscar in my hand”. She went on to say that she can “remember another actress having one in her hands” but “couldn’t seem to find hers anywhere”, and was sure that she hadn’t gotten mixed up with the ones she already has.
Friend of Streep, actress Sandra Bullock also claimed that she couldn’t find her Oscar, but police chiefs insisted that Sandra’s Oscar must have been at home, having all watched Gravity in 3D, but having all cried watching The Blind Side on DVD.
Because the world is a cruel and unforgiving place sometimes we are given the Kardashians whilst supremely talented actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman is found dead.
According to the BBC Phillip was found dead by a friend in his Manhattan apartment after a suspected drug overdose. Last year he was treated in rehab for a prescription pill and heroin addiction.
He had won an Academy Award for his role as Truman Capote.
PSH was most recently seen in The Hunger Games sequel – Catching Fire. There is no word on if he completed his role in the upcoming final parts of the series.
This shit is sad, predominantly because PSH was a really, really good actor.
You know whenever you give a homeless guy a coin and there’s always some dick in your social circle who says something like “I don’t give to charity, charity starts at home!”? Well that guy is Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett has been the head-spokesbitch for Oxfam for a long while now. Like seven years long while. Scarlett is one of a line of celebrities who Oxfam have used to promote their charitable cause, but today ScarJo got handed the pink-slip by Oxfam who were not to pleased that she decided to endorse SodaStream.
First of all, this all makes no fucking sense. Why Is Oxfam mad at ScarJo for whoring out SodaStream? And when the fuck did SodaStream stop being a fun relic of the 90s?
Turns out we are not in 1994, and that SodaStream is making a revival. ScarJo is getting paid loads and loads to be their fronting ho and do what ScarJo does best – sexify the shit out of it.
But the problem being SodaStream operates a factory in the controversial West Bank area in Palestine where it is alleged Palestines are unfairly treated by Jewish settlements and exploited for labour.
So long story short, ScarJo came to a table and looked at a picture of starving people she could help, then turned to the other side of the table and saw millions and millions of dollars, and then said “Fuck u starving children” and dove into the big pile of money instead.
I have to give ScarJo a slow hand clap for not only doing this dick move, but also doing it so brazenly publicly and splitting with Oxfam in an amicable statement which clearly says “I picked money”
Please excuse the mess whilst LA Deli moves from our home on Tumblr to this new dedicated site.
It Gets Butter
LA Deli has had a bit of a rough ride over the past few years. I like to call this dark period our “La Lohan Era”
As I’m sure all four of you know, I forgot to pay the bills for the domain name back in the day and, at the apex of our popularity (when there were eight of you), we lost our original home known as The Deli. It was immediately snapped up by a celebrity site wannabe and the death threats began rolling in. Okay the death threats didn’t roll in, but this dude was the All Saints to our Spice Girls. The Christina to our Britney. The Gayle to our Oprah.It was upsetting to see something I had barely worked at at all fall into the hands of a random guy who I imagine to be fat and wearing a sombrero in my head. Sure he could write better than me, but so could a toddler so that’s not even a big deal.
Fast forward five years and I am looking at olde time bloggersphere chums Michael K and Perez Hilton basically buying speedboats and working from their penthouse apartments whilst I’m thinking “BITCH, WHAT THE WHAT” as I rub together two ritz crackers to make a little shower of ritz sprinkles for my tongue to keep me from passing out for another day. Not passing out becomes surprisingly important when the lion sized rats in your apartment are hiding in the corner thinking “SOOON!”
Recently, I managed to claw back a .com domain name (though you can still access us as La-Deli.net and La-Deli.org). It’s part of my strategy to try and gently relaunch the site as something that you can rely on for a daily queef during your lunch hour once again. (By the way, Elaine from finance wants you to know she is well aware you are queefing during lunch and she doesn’t appreciate it. Elaine is such a bitch and really needs to mind her own fucking business, right?)
Unfortunately, as our original hosts are about as honest as a John Mayer love song – we also lost the original The Deli content from our wild Britney highs in 2004-2009, which is probably for the best because there are only so many poorly written posts I can re-upload before the internet breaks. I am still hunting for these nuggets of prose gold, but don’t hold your breath – the Pulitzer is safe for another year.
What is news, though, s that there will be some changes over the coming months to the site. Think of this as the new kid rolling into town and telling you “things are gonna be changin round here!” and then you punch him in the neck and tell him this isn’t an 80s sitcom.
The first item on the agenda for the site is to move us to our own paid platform again. We’ll be returning to using WordPress thanks to a drastic drop in how shitty it is, and will begin to pay a monthly bill to trial the sites standalone popularity. If we fail miserably, we will move back to tumblr, and i’ll weep into my empty pockets, but all you need to know is that either way, the same mediocre content will be available and it will be available both via la-deli.com and also via ladeli.tumblr.com.
This way, every ho wins.
Exciting times, so buckle up you tramps.
Do you have any suggestions for the site? Please dont say “shut it down” because I can only punch so many people in the neck in one day – and the 80s version of me has taken quite a beating already.
As the Britney Spears of 2014 consists of a plainly dressed woman driving to the gym, working out, buying Starbucks, going to soccer games with her kids and then dancing on a stage for a few hours a day, the tabloid industry have cruelly forced us to endure The Kardashians instead, but, in these dark days we struggle on knowing that we gave our glory days of vulturism up for the greater good of the Britney.
Speaking of vultures and Britney, anal wart and former paparazzo/Britney Boyfirend Adnan Ghalib has run out of money to fund perfectly manured facial hair only designed for persian concubines and as such has sold his story, again, of the darkest days of Brit Brit seven years ago.
As the article is actually quite sad and also long as fuck (Translation: He got £80,000 rather than £15,000) I will brief you on it because I’m a kind soul and also because no-one should have to read the journalism of The Sun.
Adnan said that Britney
So all in all Adnan basically paints Britney as a tragic woman tired of the business who was deeply affected by the breakdown of her marriage to the stage she embraced prescription drugs and alcohol too much, compounded infinitely when she lost her kids.
What he forgot to mention is that she had constant beer goggles on, because DAMN BRITNEY WHAT WERE U THINKIN GURL.
Hitting it with Adnan Ghalib after even Kevin Federline is like a mayjuh downgrade. MAYJAH.
Poor Brit Brit. The only joy in her life right now is probably knowing that this Vegas gig of hers is her final gig. Please everyone, go see Britney Spears in Las Vegas. Every ticket sold goes towards her retirement Cheetos fund – where she is saving to buy the biggest bath of Cheetos in the entire world in which she can frolic and play night and day.
In case you’ve not been dedicating your every waking hour to reading entertainment industry rags which spin boring production stories into dramatic and exciting tales, then first of all, call me and let me know what a life feels like, and second of all , you should probably know that Angelina Jolie recently took on the horns of Disney’s greatest bitch Maleficent.
Hollywood has kindly appreciated Angelina’s inherent evil ability to ruin Jennifer Aniston’s life by awarding her a lot more money and much better roles than Jennifer Aniston on a consistent basis, and since Angelina Jolie was ze biggest stahhh in dah wurld! until Sandra Bullock decided to stop being terrible, it totally seemed like a great idea to cast her as Maleficent at the time. I will admit when i heard this casting news I nodded and said “Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this decision making process” but now ive seen the trailer for this shit and I’m suddenly I’m feeling like Ross when he was at the alter with Emily when he really wanted Rachel.
As you can see Angie is really giving it her all in the trailer. And by giving it her all I mean looking over her shoulder all evil-like four or five times and laughing like she’s just seen Jennifer Aniston’s People magazine wedding shoot to the guy who isn’t Brad Pitt (Read: With great glee and malice).
The trailer also stars Lana Del Rey singing a lot like how I feel when I listen to a Lana Del Ray album – i.e. nearly comatose and entirely despondent.
They really cut her down a lot in this trailer, probably because the other trailer they cut kind of looks like Alice in Wonderland but with the CGI budget of Revenge. But more likely because Angelina Jolie as Maleficent sounds a lot like Mary Poppins on her period.That’s probably exactly what this is, Mary Poppins floats off into the sky, has her period, and this is what happens when she lands.
For that artistic interpretation of this Disney classic alone, I SHALL GO TO THE BALL. Though i’ll probably get more pricks than Sleeping Beauty IFUKNOWHATIMEAN.
