Celebrity Culture, Devoured.
Any of those who were with us during the dark days of 2005 will remember that it was not just the appalling writing of Deli Llama that kept you coming back for more, it was also the terrible writing of Getluv now known as Deli Manager.
Hopefully we can recruit a few Deli Servers and we’ll have a full sandwich bar.
Getluv has a lot to get his head around, so please lets all give him a slow handclap on his return.
J ohn Travolta is back to scene stealing somewhere that isn’t allegedly a bathhouse in Los Angeles! John only had literally three lines to say in the entirety of the Oscars. It took me a quick minute before I figured out he wasn’t some melted pancake who’d wondered on-stage from the props department for a Katy Perry music video, but I shouldn’t shade John or his lacefront, because without him the 2014 Oscars would just be the sad less fun cousins of The Golden Globes.
Yes, after somehow lacing the words beautiful and wicked with some kind of fabulous glittery vibrato and making me never able to say the word “talented” the same way again – John introduced oh, you know, Tony Award winning actress Idina Menzel as
And all I could let out were 160,000 YASSSSSES at the immediate number of Adele Dazeem gifs, facebooks and general internet fuckery that would ensue.
So thank you John Travolta, because otherwise this was just a bunch of people clapping Cate Blanchett for being a good actress.
Police have now launched a full formal investigation into the missing Oscar after Streep reported it to them after having already looked around her house and cars four times, and revisiting the Dolby theatre. When officers initially doubted if Streep ever had an Oscar she proceeded to send them DVD screener copies of Sausage County after which the forces tasked immediately stepped up the search.
“This is very serious, as Meryl Streep is the greatest living actress of our time” said police chief Diego Martinez. “Meryl Streep has been robbed of an Oscar, there is no doubt about it.” he continued.
When asked for comment on the scandal, Streep said ”It’s funny because I remember sitting in the audience and seeing people on the stage, but the thing is I don’t ever even remembering being up there and having the Oscar in my hand”. She went on to say that she can “remember another actress having one in her hands” but “couldn’t seem to find hers anywhere”, and was sure that she hadn’t gotten mixed up with the ones she already has.
Friend of Streep, actress Sandra Bullock also claimed that she couldn’t find her Oscar, but police chiefs insisted that Sandra’s Oscar must have been at home, having all watched Gravity in 3D, but having all cried watching The Blind Side on DVD.
Because the world is a cruel and unforgiving place sometimes we are given the Kardashians whilst supremely talented actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman is found dead.
According to the BBC Phillip was found dead by a friend in his Manhattan apartment after a suspected drug overdose. Last year he was treated in rehab for a prescription pill and heroin addiction.
He had won an Academy Award for his role as Truman Capote.
PSH was most recently seen in The Hunger Games sequel – Catching Fire. There is no word on if he completed his role in the upcoming final parts of the series.
This shit is sad, predominantly because PSH was a really, really good actor.
You know whenever you give a homeless guy a coin and there’s always some dick in your social circle who says something like “I don’t give to charity, charity starts at home!”? Well that guy is Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett has been the head-spokesbitch for Oxfam for a long while now. Like seven years long while. Scarlett is one of a line of celebrities who Oxfam have used to promote their charitable cause, but today ScarJo got handed the pink-slip by Oxfam who were not to pleased that she decided to endorse SodaStream.
First of all, this all makes no fucking sense. Why Is Oxfam mad at ScarJo for whoring out SodaStream? And when the fuck did SodaStream stop being a fun relic of the 90s?
Turns out we are not in 1994, and that SodaStream is making a revival. ScarJo is getting paid loads and loads to be their fronting ho and do what ScarJo does best – sexify the shit out of it.
But the problem being SodaStream operates a factory in the controversial West Bank area in Palestine where it is alleged Palestines are unfairly treated by Jewish settlements and exploited for labour.
So long story short, ScarJo came to a table and looked at a picture of starving people she could help, then turned to the other side of the table and saw millions and millions of dollars, and then said “Fuck u starving children” and dove into the big pile of money instead.
I have to give ScarJo a slow hand clap for not only doing this dick move, but also doing it so brazenly publicly and splitting with Oxfam in an amicable statement which clearly says “I picked money”
